Another hard night...

Old 11-21-2013, 10:47 PM
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Another hard night...

They don't come as often...they don't last as long..but still, over 2 years and I still have those nights I just want to crawl in bed and cry...

The whole, how did I get here thing, missing the man I use to know and love, feeling like there has been a death with no funeral. Im working on me, and giving it time but time doesn't seem to be working. Really??!! TWO YEARS LATER?? and Im still missing and crying over this person who thought so little of me and my boys? How pathetic must I be?

I miss being a family, a wife, having a partner. Having that person who cares if you made it home from work or if you had a bad day, or if your sick etc.....

I just miss being cared about. But really, did he ever care??????
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Old 11-21-2013, 11:01 PM
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Blessings on you. I'm so sorry.
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Old 11-22-2013, 12:08 AM
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Somewhere deep down, I'm sure he did care. You had years together, and it's going to take a while to grieve it and move on. I think a therapist told me once it was something like six months for every year you were together. Anyway, I don't think anyone here would tell you when you should be "ok" by. You are grieving a loss. Just let it happen. But if you think you're going to a deep, dark place, please seek out help.(((Hugs)))
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Old 11-22-2013, 01:08 AM
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formy, time is different for everyone. maybe it takes longer for those who are feeling lonely, instead of seeing the life you have, you still see the life you had. Have you let go? it doesnt sound like it. excuse me if im wrong, but maybe you just need to be in the NOW everyday, instead of remebering the WAS. Cause I really understand where u r.

All the best
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Old 11-22-2013, 01:59 AM
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
I think a therapist told me once it was something like six months for every year you were together.
Please make this NOT be true. Please? Someone? Anyone? Bueller?

If so, (doing all the calculations) it means I have another 10.43 years until I am healthy enough to have a new relationship or even think about dating. For real?

FML.
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Old 11-22-2013, 02:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post
Please make this NOT be true. Please? Someone? Anyone? Bueller?

If so, (doing all the calculations) it means I have another 10.43 years until I am healthy enough to have a new relationship or even think about dating. For real?

FML.
Oh Lulu 39 - I would have 11.5 years! By then I would be 63 and truly a 'mad cat woman' rather than a designer diva! Surely it depends on the person? I have been unhappy and lonely for the last 4 years! I second Lulu39 PLEASE someone tell us it isn't true - we in long term marriages/relationships need to have HOPE.:
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Old 11-22-2013, 03:23 AM
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The death without a funeral--exactly how I've been feeling. I feel like my ex has died, and I'm left with an angry ghost and a mountain of legal bills. I'm so sorry, Formyboys, it's just so hard.
My therapist also mentioned the 6 month rule. Clearly I have a "broken picker" but 5+ years of singledom seems like a long time. On the other hand, I have 3 kids to raise and don't know how I would add another person into the mix! I was thinking about starting a thread on broken pickers. My hairdresser's father was an A, her ex is an A, she spent 6 years single, working on herself, and the first guy she starts dating is almost a year into sobriety. For me, addiction of any sort is a deal breaker! I know that sounds like black and white thinking, but honestly, I'd rather be single than have addiction in my life.
I'm tapping this out on my phone, so pardon any typos. Formyboys, there are a lot of us in the same situation and it is heartbreaking. I can take responsibility for my part of the situation, but still, I have experienced a great loss and shouldered a huge responsibility at the same time. ((Hugs)) to you.
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Old 11-22-2013, 03:50 AM
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Lulu and Quish, you might enjoy checking out this website:

Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts |

It's a little over the top sometimes, but "Mama Gena" and other women on the site share a lot about how they turned around the feelings of being lonely and disconnected.

I get her "Daily Fluff" emails (they're free) and I find that they're like a booster shot of confidence and joy when I'm starting to feel a little ragged.

~ B
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Old 11-22-2013, 07:08 AM
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You are not only mourning him, but as you said, having a partner, a family, a way of life. So don't think of it as being pathetic. Every person wants those things, happiness. So give yourself time, and don't monitor how much time it takes. Just get yourself to where you need to be to have that happiness and remember you don't have to find that in another person!

Hugs!
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Old 11-22-2013, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post
Please make this NOT be true. Please? Someone? Anyone? Bueller?

If so, (doing all the calculations) it means I have another 10.43 years until I am healthy enough to have a new relationship or even think about dating. For real?

FML.
First thing is that damn knife.



Really scares guys, I am thinking. We do have some insecurities, yunno.

Don't blame me. It is Lorena Bobbitt.

===================

Here is what I discovered in this So Called Life thing we seem to go through.

While we can argue answers and numbers for days, months, or years . . . what I see very few figure out is that if they do not like the answer -- All they really ever had to do was . . . . Change the Equation.

Do and be someone else.

When it was time for Dorothy to go and do and be somewhere else -- she only had to click her heels.



Click this >>>

You've Always Had The Power... - YouTube

And click those heels.




.
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:41 AM
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I'm so sorry you are struggling today.

Having up & down days myself. It's only been 2 months but when he is choosing to be nice, I see the man I married and feel heartbroken and sympathetic. I tend to back off on moving forward. When he is defiant, angry and throwing insults & threats I get mad for what he continues to put me through.

The thing is - getting po'd lights a fire under my butt and gets me with the resolve to say to he** with you, I am going to do everything in my power to move myself forward.

Life changes for us all and I have to believe that one day I am going to wake up and none of this will matter anymore.

Hugs and prayers for you today.
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:58 AM
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Thanks everyone...@Hammer, that was awesome!!!...if only it was as simple as clicking my heals. I actually did and ended up in Alabama. been here 6 months and adjusting but love it.

I thought it was time to start over...you just don't realize how hard starting over is, at least for us ...As seem to have no problem. I want to know their secret.
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:59 AM
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Oh...and I was told it was 1 year for every 5 you were married. That seems a little more doable...shoot, Im half way there!!!.....:/
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Old 11-22-2013, 09:08 AM
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I swear it's the season. I get grumpy, cold, depressed, and morose through the winter months. In spring, summer, and fall, I'm outside and active whenever possible. But winter? It's not a great scene, and the old saggy armchair I like to sit in is the "I'm so alone, nobody cares about me, I'm such a loser" armchair. I'm predicting it now, by February I will post that here.
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Old 11-22-2013, 09:15 AM
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Florence, I feel the same! I can't leave AH alone much and I hate the dark nights. At least in the Summer, I could get out in the garden or sit with the cats in the run and talk to the neighbours. Now my 'highlight' of the day is going to get the paper and going to the library with AH. But the darkest hour is before dawn and before too long we shall see the signs of Spring.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
Hammer, I don't always understand your posts because I am English but you always make me smile! Difficult to do nowdays so thank you so much.
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Old 11-22-2013, 09:45 AM
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It really makes me feel better knowing that Im not the only one feeling so down....
thanks for all your shares, they mean so much now.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if he was still drinking...the fact that he is sober 3 years and 9 months is hard to take. Hes sober and happy, what I always wanted. But he got sober and then decided he didn't want our family. That's hard to take. someone else gets to share his sober life. I was only good enough when he was a drunk.
Don't get me wrong...Im glad he is sober I suppose but I also resent it....how crazy thinking is that??!!
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:01 AM
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I have been having a lot of trouble finding words to post onto other's threads lately. However, I seem to be right behind you in your journey. I am recently separated from my AH and struggle everyday with the notion of what to do with myself. All I know is my relationship. I have been away for only four months, and getting those checking-in calls, at least when AH was sober, is what I miss too. I am also going away on a vacation in January to see if I want to click my heals to a new location. I really have nothing new to add. I just wanted to let you know that I understand.

Keep the focus on you in the present, and as I have been reading- everything will be okay all in time. ((Hugs))
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Quish16 View Post
Hammer, I don't always understand your posts because I am English but you always make me smile! Difficult to do nowdays so thank you so much.
Some Translation?

Regarding Lulu and the knife. (Lulu . . . dear <snicker> . . . . please forgive me while I talk of you as object)

I suppose the real theme is -- We see the world as we are, not as it is.

While I may think "fishwife (as she calls herself, some), with a Big Knife" is mighty hawt . . . . a lotta guys would find that sort of scary.

The knife in the picture is the knife Lorena Bobbitt used to cut off her husband's penis.

John and Lorena Bobbitt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

While she has the sort of twisted Alice In Wonderland and Cheshire Cat thing going on -- You do know that story, right? Lewis Carroll was English? Alice, especially Alice with a Big Knife can and could take care of herself. Nobody's Victim No More.

Where it gets twisted to American is the less forceful and more victim-like Dorothy. Do you know the Story of The Wizard of Oz?

Dorothy had went off to her Dreamland riding a Tornado -- Somewhere Over the Rainbow. While there, she had followed the Wizard of Oz, did his bidding, and the Wizard has flown off and left her. Maybe just call our various "A's" the Wizard of A instead of Oz, and we would all be there.

But at the end -- Dorothy -- us, as it were -- NEVER NEEDED the Wizard to get to What, and Where Home Sweet Home is and should be in our hearts. So she followed the advice and Good Ordered Direction from Glinda the Good Witch -- her HP, in our metaphorical model. She just had to know what it was in her heart and make it so. She clicked her heels, and she was home.

You follow that in my HP Realm, I do not have a population of Witches, Munchkins, Wizards and Talking Tin Men, Lions, and Scarecrows. I have a God that I call Joe, and I sort of ummm, really actually think, I see "Angels" all around me in Real Life. I am probably nuttier than Dorothy. But really we all might as well be in the same wacky story.

Dorothy woke up from her dream, back where she wanted to be, and I am pretty much still in Dream Land. Really I think a lot of us are just not quite ready to click our heels, yet. And that is okay, too. Dream on.
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