Thanks Marie. I am trying to give myself credit for the little things....I haven't called or emailed.. I didn't call her friend back when I missed his call.....I gave her things to her friend rather than use it as an excuse to see her. I have only cried for short periods (less than 15 min)...using refocusing to distract myself. I have journaled every day. I refuse to pick it apart anymore and play "what if?" Or minimize the gravity of the lies or deception. I read here and bpd family forum many times a day. I am trying to smile...even when I don't want to. I have an overwhelming life- fulltime job...military career...15 rental properties...4 kids under 6...pregnancy...and a 90 mom with dementia who lives with me. I know I chose this...all of it yet sometimes I want to be taken care of too.