How to deal with all these emotions...support please

Old 11-20-2013, 10:19 AM
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How to deal with all these emotions...support please

I have not see my xagf in 10 days, i have spoken to her once during that time, she ranted and raved and hung up. I has since blocked her number. I truly believe she also has bpd...because of her inability to EVER be wrong, her villianizing me, her lies and inability to see anything but her beliefs. She has revealed that she has started drinking again...not in so many words but that she no longer feels she has an addiction to alcohol. she blames me for her drinking and my insanity. She is now totally focused on my kids (there are four aged 6 to 1 yr), and accuses me of stealing "her" kids....stating "my" kids constantly. I have gotten a few (maybe one a day) angry emails accusing me of being evil, stealing her kids, abusing her, etc. I did respond once, with a short explanation that we did have a plan after court that she would go to rehab, we would go to counseling, work on our relationship and being a family, and move in together after 6 months of sobriety. Her lies, DWI and now living with an alcoholic changed all that. And now that it has become evident that she was only with me to stay close to my kids, it was game over.
I know no contact is best. I know you are going to say, delete the emails, don't respond. Move on. I feel like I am doing the very best that I can. I have been in this relationship for 5 years....been gaslighted, called every name in the book. I have started to come to realize that a huge majority of the chaos has come from her...or maybe my reaction to her behavior. I
I was truly concerned and worried about my own mental health...because I saw BPD behaviors in myself: the hysterical crying, the arguments when i didn't get my way; the running over there when she wouldn't answer the phone to confront the situation...the desparateness. I found an article that talks about the various types of "non"'s those who are in a relationship with a BPD. There is a reactive counter BPD...someone who doesn't have the disorder, yet continued contact with BPD they start mirroring these behaviors. I believe that is me. This relatinship has made me feel crazy since the beginning. I'll be honest, when i read all your posts about your A begging forgiveness, or making promises (no matter how empty) I envy it. My A never once admitted she was wrong, never woo'd me....just acted angry and disturbed. I have to constantly ask myself why I put up with it and why even now not going back is a huge struggle. I know some of it has to do with my fantasies and dreams of what this relationship was going to be. I do know deep in my heart it will never happen. It hurts to know she has all this warmth and empathy for everyone except me...although that is the nature of BPD. I try to be thankful...yes even for my struggle. I know that her being there for the first year after the twins were born made it doable, that her slow extrication from this relationship taught me that I am capable of taking care of them and my 90 yo mom without her help. While I still find it hard to accept she didn't love me (she even wrote "felt love" like it was a clinical symptom....not in love in any way) the events of the past 2 years are artrocious and lend more to an enemy than a friend. I am trying to accept my piece in this...that no matter what her + me = toxic. I am tryng to accept that even though I feel guilt about not letting her see my kids, for my own stability I need to not see her and what is best for my kids is to have a stable mom. I also read all the struggles on here from divorced parents dealing with custody and safety issues....I don't want that. Anyway, I could use some kind words today.
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Old 11-20-2013, 10:31 AM
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Patty, it sounds like you have educated yourself on this quite well. You have typed it all out, how the relationship is/was. You have said...I don't want that.

Keep reminding yourself why you do not want a relationship w/that person. You've got this.

We are holding your hand every step of the way! hugs!
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Old 11-20-2013, 10:32 AM
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Hugs Patty. And good for you for putting YOUR children and your own well-being first. I grew up in a home with mental illness, alcoholism and codependency. (2 homes, actually, my parents were divorced). Sounds like she knows exactly what button to push (the kids) that will make you feel the worst, but what you are doing to separate from her crazy behavior is actually the best example you can set for your children.
I know it can be hard with work and family responsibilities- kids plus caretaking an elderly mother, but have you done anything for yourself- Alanon, individual therapy? Your awareness and your questioning your own willingness to accept unacceptable behavior sound like good jumping-off points to begin a healing journey of your own. You could at least check out a book from the library- Codependent No More, Love is a Choice. I've seen others recommended here, but those two I've read myself. They're pretty good.
You and your kids deserve kindness and love and peace. Sending lots of positive energy your way! Stay strong.
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Old 11-20-2013, 10:42 AM
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Thank you! I am in counseling once a week. I come here and to the BPDfamily forum. I don't go to alanon...it is too hard with the kids and mom. But the kind words are appreciated!
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:58 AM
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Patty. Getting healthy is a non-stop thing. I see your posts here whenever there is another break-up between you and her.
Which makes me wonder about when you're not here. The times things are going "well" with her.
You can't get better on a roller-coaster, coming here when it falls apart again.

They are not her kids. Right? They are just your kids.
Please whatever you do, never tell them or her again that the two of you share those kids. Not during the good times.
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:45 PM
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Agree with BlueSkies, you certainly keep hopping on the emotional roller coaster from hell.

The choice remains yours, Let go or be dragged........

Nothing changes in this equation, same sh*t, different day.

I have followed along and read much about your partner/x partner, but I haven't heard much about YOU, if you feel comfotable, would like to hear more about you.
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Old 11-20-2013, 01:00 PM
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I remember your first post here on the forum.

Honey, nothing has changed.

You said your kids, remember, they are your kids, she is not getting what she wants, the pounding will just continue.

Block her texts, phone calls, emails, etc...

Let her go, she needs to focus on her own issues, if she is BPD, which by the way is pretty prevelent with those who suffer with addiction, the hatchet will just keep coming down on you.

You can not fix her, love her, but you and your kids, a good life awaits you all, I hate to say it but it seems that life will not include her.

The only life you can heal is your own.
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Old 11-20-2013, 01:15 PM
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No new contacts, no new hurts.
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Old 11-20-2013, 03:38 PM
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Thank you all. It is hard not to go back when your SO says they will go to rehab and try. I did not reinforce things as "our" kids...I feel now in my heart I gave/did everything. ..rehab...counseling both couples and myself...a vacation to "reconnect"....more time. I set the yard stick low - sobriety and honesty. ..which to an alcoholic may be impossible. I am not making excuses...but trying to process through this.
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Old 11-20-2013, 04:00 PM
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Blueskies...the sad thing is...what good times? I spent my sons 1st birthday in the VA ED sending her to detox. She came back for outpt angry...hostile...just as noncommunicative as ever. I went away for my Reserve duty...childcare to be shared between the fulltime sitter and her. Total chaos...came home 8 dayseearly. My mom had to be admitted urgently to the hospital at 2am....again not there...no answer on her phone...had a friend come sit with my kids so I could go to the ED.end of August this time she ends it with me...4 days later gets a DWI....I am the last to know. That one time she did profess her love for me and wanting me back. Sept this alcoholic woman who she got her DWI suddenly becomes front and center...I find texts on her phone from an old gf on my mom's 90 birthday professing her undying love for my ex...from weeks earlier...another secret. I break things off for almost 3 weeks. Then because she owed me $2000 and was going to make a payment. ..I let her come by. Sucked back in. The remaining few weeks were suck it up....cruise is 2 weeks off. I find out the other alcoholic is living with her. Am upset but am told she will be gone at the end of October. Go on the cruise....no significant conversation. ..just sex that bonds me in deeper and fear that something I say will **** her off. Return from vacation and left with 4 kids...my mom...and 6 loads of laundry...5 months pregnant. Next day she says she'll be there to go to the store with us...suddenly the roomie needs to go to walmart and my ex needs to take her. I lose it. Off to the store with 4 kids. Crying fight. Her calling me horrible names. Hanging up on me while I am crying hysterically. Me breaking things off. That was it...the end. Next day she dropped off the remaining $900 she owed me in gift cards and the campaign of hate began in ernest. I have not contacted her. After she told me her view of not being an alcoholic and everything is my fault ...I blocked her. She didn't seem to be drinking all that time...including the cruise. But I am sure she was drinking at home and lying about it.
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Old 11-20-2013, 08:22 PM
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Oh patty, you are still talking about her, is talking about you for a bit, an option?
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Old 11-21-2013, 02:04 AM
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Marie...I have a hard time talking about me. I also find if I don't write the truth...I sugar coat it and think well it wasn't that bad. I am hurt....I am disappointed....I am truly hoping I am done this. I am sad that she had this opportunity to get help and straighten her life out and chose to go back to the familiar. I am perplexed why she hates me so much.
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Old 11-21-2013, 06:51 AM
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Patty, At one time or another, all of us here, have sugarcoated and swept all the unacceptable behavior under the rug. It's what this disease is.

Currently, she cannot love herself or give love to another, she consumed in her addiction, again it's what this disease is.

I know you are hurting today, I believe it really helps to get it all out, so keep talking, we are listening, and we care, ( ( Hugs))
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Old 11-21-2013, 07:06 AM
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Thanks Marie. I am trying to give myself credit for the little things....I haven't called or emailed.. I didn't call her friend back when I missed his call.....I gave her things to her friend rather than use it as an excuse to see her. I have only cried for short periods (less than 15 min)...using refocusing to distract myself. I have journaled every day. I refuse to pick it apart anymore and play "what if?" Or minimize the gravity of the lies or deception. I read here and bpd family forum many times a day. I am trying to smile...even when I don't want to. I have an overwhelming life- fulltime job...military career...15 rental properties...4 kids under 6...pregnancy...and a 90 mom with dementia who lives with me. I know I chose this...all of it yet sometimes I want to be taken care of too.
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