pattyG

I have not see my xagf in 10 days, i have spoken to her once during that time, she ranted and raved and hung up. I has since blocked her number. I truly believe she also has bpd...because of her inability to EVER be wrong, her villianizing me, her lies and inability to see anything but her beliefs. She has revealed that she has started drinking again...not in so many words but that she no longer feels she has an addiction to alcohol. she blames me for her drinking and my insanity. She is now totally focused on my kids (there are four aged 6 to 1 yr), and accuses me of stealing "her" kids....stating "my" kids constantly. I have gotten a few (maybe one a day) angry emails accusing me of being evil, stealing her kids, abusing her, etc. I did respond once, with a short explanation that we did have a plan after court that she would go to rehab, we would go to counseling, work on our relationship and being a family, and move in together after 6 months of sobriety. Her lies, DWI and now living with an alcoholic changed all that. And now that it has become evident that she was only with me to stay close to my kids, it was game over.
I know no contact is best. I know you are going to say, delete the emails, don't respond. Move on. I feel like I am doing the very best that I can. I have been in this relationship for 5 years....been gaslighted, called every name in the book. I have started to come to realize that a huge majority of the chaos has come from her...or maybe my reaction to her behavior. I
I was truly concerned and worried about my own mental health...because I saw BPD behaviors in myself: the hysterical crying, the arguments when i didn't get my way; the running over there when she wouldn't answer the phone to confront the situation...the desparateness. I found an article that talks about the various types of "non"'s those who are in a relationship with a BPD. There is a reactive counter BPD...someone who doesn't have the disorder, yet continued contact with BPD they start mirroring these behaviors. I believe that is me. This relatinship has made me feel crazy since the beginning. I'll be honest, when i read all your posts about your A begging forgiveness, or making promises (no matter how empty) I envy it. My A never once admitted she was wrong, never woo'd me....just acted angry and disturbed. I have to constantly ask myself why I put up with it and why even now not going back is a huge struggle. I know some of it has to do with my fantasies and dreams of what this relationship was going to be. I do know deep in my heart it will never happen. It hurts to know she has all this warmth and empathy for everyone except me...although that is the nature of BPD. I try to be thankful...yes even for my struggle. I know that her being there for the first year after the twins were born made it doable, that her slow extrication from this relationship taught me that I am capable of taking care of them and my 90 yo mom without her help. While I still find it hard to accept she didn't love me (she even wrote "felt love" like it was a clinical symptom....not in love in any way) the events of the past 2 years are artrocious and lend more to an enemy than a friend. I am trying to accept my piece in this...that no matter what her + me = toxic. I am tryng to accept that even though I feel guilt about not letting her see my kids, for my own stability I need to not see her and what is best for my kids is to have a stable mom. I also read all the struggles on here from divorced parents dealing with custody and safety issues....I don't want that. Anyway, I could use some kind words today.