Pernell,
Thanks for support. Things have been getting worse. Our marriage has been failing for a long time partially becasue of me also, not drugs (I dispise drugs) but my trust in people is zero. I ask too many questions and always think he is lieing to me about woman drugs or whatever. Now that I've found all these things out about my husband (drugs, friends I've never heard of and now woman "friends that I've never herd of".) I seem to have lost my sanity. The fights are Tsyon vs Tyson and seem to be getting worse as my depression seems to be overcoming me like a mac truck.
I really am afraid as much as I threaten my husband that I want to die. I think I may follow through one day. Each time I keep getting closer and closer. Todayf I cut off a chunk of my long hair. I wanted to cut it all of but he stopped me. All becasue he has the girl "friend" (friend only he claims) that I have found out about. He has e-mailed her a story in sexual undertone about his flower rising and a woman stopping by dressed as a school teacher. Now there are messages on his machine from a girl he claims he has no idea is. She e-mailed him back and said she's been calling and calling where is he? My husband and I are seprated but I've been with him the last few days thinking we're going to work things out now that he says he will stop the "crank." He says he needs a couple of days to get it out to his friends and people that we are back together. I've also recently was 7 weeks pregnant with my husband and lost the baby a few weeks ago. I can stop thinking about if there is another woman or if he lieing to me about the drugs or what.
We made an marital counseling appointment for Monday and I hoping to find some help there as I am ready to give up on life. I love my husband dearly and wish we could just get along. I think my fear in him cheating on me lies within the fact of my child hood. I was sexually abused by my Uncle and his 2 sons. My parents are divorced and for a long time my father never bothered with me. My mom's new husband beat here black and blue right in front of me. I can't trust anything my husband tells me, and now that I know this about the drug use and the lies I can beleve anything. I'd rather die than be with out him. I worry so much about his health and him being a good person.
Thanks for listening to me.
Torn