Are we twins? Sisters from other mothers? I just posted something about this yesterday. I'm already feeling the blues.
Does your state have visitation guidelines? Mine has these public guidelines, so that when there is a question of where the kids are when, you look there first. They aren't hard rules (unless you have them as part of your custody agreement, which we do for holiday time) but they do give you a point to negotiate from.
My family is split. My mom thinks this is her personal divorce and her personal loss and has made it extra hard on me by undermining me left and right. Additionally, she has leaned hard on one of my sisters, who tells me now that I'm a loser and this is all a product of my choices -- my divorce, my husband's alcoholism, my finances, etc. My other sister thinks my mom is nuts and has supported me through this. This is on top of a lot of historical drama around the holidays (there was the Christmas nobody got me a present, which no one realized until after they were done with the unwrapping orgy; there was the Christmas my sister told me my son was illegitimate; numerous childhood birthdays where my parents took breaks from icing me out over some infraction for cake and ice cream, just to ice me again when it was over). I didn't complain. I suffered with it -- I thought maybe I deserved it. I was a difficult teenager and as a young adult I'd had my son "out of wedlock" and thought maybe this was the bed I should lie in. I put up with all of it because I didn't want to seem like a victim or like some kind of sad sack. But here in the end, I just feel this immense sorrow over it. I wanted support for my family and hung around looking for table scraps. Maybe all that was wrong. Maybe that's not how families are supposed to work, you know?
When I got married (we were engaged on Christmas Day), his family was, in my mind, going to take the place of my very fraught FOO. They appeared to be very inward focused and supportive of one another. What I didn't realize in my warped mind was that I was looking at a codependent nightmare between all of them. We did have some good times, but frankly, as I found my own recovery I got more and more freaked out and disgusted by their codependent behavior around the holidays. Like, it was rude not to give someone TWO cards on their birthday, but it wasn't rude when the adult sister in law showed up late to all the holiday celebrations late and empty handed. It was expected by the adult children -- not appreciated, but EXPECTED -- to receive upwards of $1000 in Christmas presents, and not get their parents anything. It always felt like I was on the outside of this circle. Eventually I realized I was still looking for table scraps, and when I stopped begging for them, I was shocked at how quickly they decided I wasn't trustworthy. The circle closed.
Finances are always rough through the holidays. I decided to take it into my own hands and interviewed for a part time job in addition to my regular job. I aced the interview, and they called me back yesterday to tell me I got it. Instead of being happy, to my surprise, I was really sad. I was sad that I'm still struggling like this after fifteen years of busting my butt. I was sad that I'm about to say goodbye to free time again. I thought I was through the "working three jobs to make ends meet" phase of my life. Turns out I'm not! It made me wish I had a partner. It was that fantasy of my sober, productive, supportive husband blowing through my life again, which makes me feel sadder than just about anything else.
I'm rambling. Some of this is within the range of normal family dysfunction, I know, but it doesn't change that the holidays have been, for me, a long history of personal disappointment and sorrow. I recognize that my goal needs to be to adjust my expectations and plan for other, healthier things than sitting around in the dark by myself on every PTO day (doesn't mean I don't want to). What that will look like, I don't know yet.
But you're not alone.