My picker was broken (it could probably still use some spiffing and shining), but I finally got it into the repair shop after a therapist helped me realize the dynamic I was trying to recreate. My alcoholic father (funny, charming, magnetic personality, etc.) left us when I was a little girl. If I could find a guy like him who would love me and not leave me, then all would be well again. I tried it with an alcoholic husband (now my xah) and again years later with an alcoholic/addict boyfriend. And guess what? Alcoholic husband left me with three babies just like alcoholic father left my mother with four young ones. Fortunately, I took my picker to the repair shop during one of my break-ups with my next alcoholic and got it running before the relationship became a marriage.
It's not too late to get your picker fixed. We're the same age, Des. I'll be 50 in about three weeks and have really just done my healing in the last couple of years. I am alone right now, but not the least bit lonely. I am at peace. Happy. I no longer feel the need to replace my alcoholic father. I don't care that I'm alone, nor do I care what others think of me being alone. If I am fortunate enough to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, that will be some nice icing on an already beautiful cake.
The pain that you're experiencing right now is bearable. It may not feel like it at times, but you can do this. You can start your healing now. We're here for you. Keep posting.