Oh God, What Have I Done

Old 11-18-2013, 01:39 PM
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Oh God, What Have I Done

Hi everyone, I haven't posted for a while. Those who have read my previous posts will know that I threw my alcoholic partner out about 6 weeks ago following a night of his drunkenness that ended up with him spitting in my face. Well, I did the stupidest thing ever about 2 weeks ago, took him back. I genuinely thought he had changed, we talked like we hadn't talked before, he had modified his drinking, only having 2 or 3 beers after work, maybe a few extra on the weekends but never getting blind drunk. Things were great. Yesterday was my 50th birthday. He was so sweet, caring and loving, gave me perfume and flowers, came home from work early to spend time with me etc. my daughter had organized a surprise dinner for me with family and friends. This went really well, I was so happy. My partner didn't get rolling drunk, things were great, that is, until we got home. On the way home he started saying that he was worried that I just wanted him for money and what i could get out of him etc (not that he has anything, this is my house and everything in it is mine and I have a job). I then took the engagement ring off that he had given me when we were together previously and told him if that's how he felt, I wasn't going to wear it cause if that's what he thought of me, then it was all a lie. He then proceeded to do his old trick, get in the car and drive off, carton of beer with him. He has sent a number of texts, blaming me, saying that I didn't want him anyway, how it's my fault etc etc. the messages sounded like he was actually pleased to be away from me. I feel terrible, like I want to curl up and die . I feel so stupid for believing in him again. I feel embarrassed because this went in in front of my adult children and I feel so hurt, I feel it was my fault in some way, I shouldnt have reacted like I did etc etc. he's ignoring my messages now.
God, I'm 50 years old, will I continue to get it wrong all thr time ? I just want to die, will I be alone for the rest of my life??? Why does this happen to me. My previous relationships have been with alcoholics also.
Money is a worry also, I can only work a few hours per week due to chronic back problems and it's tough to survive. I live in one of the cheapest rentals, have cut down on lots of things but it's still so hard. Please, please help, advice please.
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Old 11-18-2013, 02:46 PM
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My previous relationships have been with alcoholics also.

you've got a faulty PICKER. for reasons, probably long unresolved, you keep trying to recreate a certain dynamic (with an alcoholic) to see if THIS time you can get it to work out right.

only, it never will. alanon would be a GREAT place for you to be able to focus on you and the choices you make, and how to go back thru your life, see the patterns, learn the whys and then once settled, begin to make new clear choices. whenever we make choices in partners that are NEED based, we setup a codependent cycle. they become as critical as our organs, we feel we cannot live without them.

so stop the drama. you do NOT want to DIE. this guy is a poor choice....FOR YOU. so be it. be done for good this time. only you can make the changes to bring about a different desired result.
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Old 11-18-2013, 03:16 PM
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I believe Albert Einstein said something like "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Your doing the same thing over and over and it always comes out the same way? So, why not try a new path? Al Anon would be a good place to start.
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Old 11-18-2013, 03:32 PM
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Thanks, but I live in a small country town in Australia and there is no alanon close by, otherwise I would DEFINETLY give it a try.
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Old 11-18-2013, 03:38 PM
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Have you considered seeing a therapist? They could help you talk out your issues and maybe figure out a way to get you a little more self-esteem and realize that you deserve better than what you've chosen before.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it really sounds like you are better off without him. (((HUGS)))
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Old 11-18-2013, 03:42 PM
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I'm actually booked into a councillor this Friday. Again because of the small town, I've had to wait a while to get in.
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Old 11-18-2013, 03:53 PM
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Good deal! In the meantime, you can Google "Is my picker broken" and find several sites that talk about this. It is not at all uncommon. (((HUG)))
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Old 11-18-2013, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Des1163 View Post
I'm actually booked into a councillor this Friday. Again because of the small town, I've had to wait a while to get in.
Hi Des. Firstly, I will let you know I never drank until my early 30s, and was with a person addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol during that time.

I now have alcohol problems myself, so have been on both sides of the situation.

Please don't take this mans actions personally (easier said than done). Sounds like he's created an argument to justify internally to himself going off drinking. Don't buy into the charade and let your self esteem be knocked by this.

On the other hand, you do mention health issues, cutting back on expenses and renting the cheapest home you can afford. These are your priorities, not this man or a relationship. I hope you find a way to let go if all it's bringing you is pain. Is all the drama worth it?

If any of the above sounds harsh, I don't mean it that way. I just hate to see people trying to make sense of an alcoholic, when the best you can do is focus on your own life and what you can make of it.

Best wishes and hugs.xx
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Old 11-18-2013, 06:07 PM
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My picker was broken (it could probably still use some spiffing and shining), but I finally got it into the repair shop after a therapist helped me realize the dynamic I was trying to recreate. My alcoholic father (funny, charming, magnetic personality, etc.) left us when I was a little girl. If I could find a guy like him who would love me and not leave me, then all would be well again. I tried it with an alcoholic husband (now my xah) and again years later with an alcoholic/addict boyfriend. And guess what? Alcoholic husband left me with three babies just like alcoholic father left my mother with four young ones. Fortunately, I took my picker to the repair shop during one of my break-ups with my next alcoholic and got it running before the relationship became a marriage.

It's not too late to get your picker fixed. We're the same age, Des. I'll be 50 in about three weeks and have really just done my healing in the last couple of years. I am alone right now, but not the least bit lonely. I am at peace. Happy. I no longer feel the need to replace my alcoholic father. I don't care that I'm alone, nor do I care what others think of me being alone. If I am fortunate enough to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, that will be some nice icing on an already beautiful cake.

The pain that you're experiencing right now is bearable. It may not feel like it at times, but you can do this. You can start your healing now. We're here for you. Keep posting.
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Old 11-18-2013, 06:20 PM
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oops, wrong thread.
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Old 11-18-2013, 06:26 PM
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From one 50 year old to another, relax my friend.

We have endured many storms in the sea of life.

I am sorry you have chosen an unavailable partner. ( I have walked your path)

I am not going to sugarcoat this, as I might have for one of my teenage daughters experiencing a break up/heartache,........... we are 50 years old for God sake, ........... he spat in your face, .........what else do you really need to know or hear? His actions are HIGHLY unacceptable, THE END.

He has ZERO respect for you!!!! or himself, sounds like a done deal to me.
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Old 11-18-2013, 07:03 PM
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Yah, another almost fifty year old here. Don treat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. I know I have believed my AH far too many times to count. I have stopped beating myself up and have started distancing myself from him. All I can do.

I have a "faulty" picker too. I left a perfectly normal husband when I was 29 and proceeded to embark on a series of bad relationships trying to fill some hole in my soul. One alcoholic guy to the next. Made the mistake of marrying this one. And had two children, now 8 and 5. They are a joy but I am now dealing with the wreckage of a lying, stealing AH.

But, as I said, I am distancing myself. To keep myself sane and to protect my kids. I have not attended al anon. I come on here for support. I am an alcoholic myself and attend AA meetings to take care of myself.

Keep coming here. Be kind to yourself. Good on you for going to counseling. It is a good step.
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Old 11-18-2013, 07:14 PM
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He was looking for a reason to drink... He couldn't maintain the lie of hardly drinking so he ruined your bday and was nasty to you & unloaded his distress onto you bc he's a child emotionally who can't tolerate feelings which is why he drinks.... And once he upset you sufficiently bc you're loving and kind & have a soul which he does not, he then had his excuse to go get drunk.

I'm hurt and angry for you. I can't blame you a bit for giving him another chance. We all warn to believe the best of people and you wanted to believe the bill of goods he was selling you. I did the same for years w my XAH.

Sorry for all you're going through
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Des1163 View Post
Thanks, but I live in a small country town in Australia and there is no alanon close by, otherwise I would DEFINETLY give it a try.
Alanon is also available online and by phone. http://www.al-anon.org/electronic-meetings

You can also find tons of Alanon literature by going to Amazon and searching Alanon books. A lot of these are available used, so you can save $$ when buying.

It's a shame there is no face-to-face meeting you can get to, but these are some other options you could try.
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:18 AM
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Wow, thank you HoneyPig! Long time lurker here, and I didn't know those meetings were available.
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Old 11-19-2013, 09:46 PM
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Des,
You are just fine and there is no way I would ever call you stupid. You want to believe that things can change and that is noble. You want to give the benefit of the doubt and that is gracious.
Get the support you need that speaks the truth-

You are precious, you are important, you are cherished, and you are loved.

The memory of the situation will fade and so will the embarrassment that you currently feel. You don't have to feel bad because there is no way that HIS ACTIONS are your fault. If you picked up his hand and made it grab the beer or used his fingers to type cruel texts then fine but otherwise HIS ACTIONS are HIS FAULT.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:56 PM
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Des, like others have said mate, he spat in your face....... from my point of view( male ) a woman in her 50's has just met her prime. And like im sure many of us has done, has let them back in just to be rewarded with the same treatment.
so.....
you are a woman in her prime.
you are a woman who deserves to be treated like such.
you deserve to be treated better.
you deserve better.
belive it.
live it.
do it.
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:05 PM
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Hey Des, I just want to reinforce the posts from others that say he wanted to drink A LOT and he manufactured the argument as an excuse. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally, if you can find it in your heart, pity him.
I don't think we should live our lives through our children, but I've found my adult children a great comfort during difficult times. You sound close to yours and they might be a resource for you.
As for your financial position, rather than looking for a man, how about aiming to live the best possible life within your constraints. Write yourself a list of things you can do to improve your life. You have many resources you can draw on online as well as SR.
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