Oh God, What Have I Done
Hi everyone, I haven't posted for a while. Those who have read my previous posts will know that I threw my alcoholic partner out about 6 weeks ago following a night of his drunkenness that ended up with him spitting in my face. Well, I did the stupidest thing ever about 2 weeks ago, took him back. I genuinely thought he had changed, we talked like we hadn't talked before, he had modified his drinking, only having 2 or 3 beers after work, maybe a few extra on the weekends but never getting blind drunk. Things were great. Yesterday was my 50th birthday. He was so sweet, caring and loving, gave me perfume and flowers, came home from work early to spend time with me etc. my daughter had organized a surprise dinner for me with family and friends. This went really well, I was so happy. My partner didn't get rolling drunk, things were great, that is, until we got home. On the way home he started saying that he was worried that I just wanted him for money and what i could get out of him etc (not that he has anything, this is my house and everything in it is mine and I have a job). I then took the engagement ring off that he had given me when we were together previously and told him if that's how he felt, I wasn't going to wear it cause if that's what he thought of me, then it was all a lie. He then proceeded to do his old trick, get in the car and drive off, carton of beer with him. He has sent a number of texts, blaming me, saying that I didn't want him anyway, how it's my fault etc etc. the messages sounded like he was actually pleased to be away from me. I feel terrible, like I want to curl up and die . I feel so stupid for believing in him again. I feel embarrassed because this went in in front of my adult children and I feel so hurt, I feel it was my fault in some way, I shouldnt have reacted like I did etc etc. he's ignoring my messages now.
God, I'm 50 years old, will I continue to get it wrong all thr time ? I just want to die, will I be alone for the rest of my life??? Why does this happen to me. My previous relationships have been with alcoholics also.
Money is a worry also, I can only work a few hours per week due to chronic back problems and it's tough to survive. I live in one of the cheapest rentals, have cut down on lots of things but it's still so hard. Please, please help, advice please.