thanks time2surrender
The last two post was what happened to me.
I was aware of the signs but I was unable to inturpt them.
It was gradual and didn't happened over night.
relationship demands, job demands or just living.
Little pin pricks that eat at me little by little.
I become aware of them more as I became more and more
emotiinally and spiritually bankrupted.
As stated , I didn't develope a long term behaviors or
fell back into my old behavior pattern.
I just GOT OVER THEM on a day to day basis,
but deep down inside I felt like crap.
And being clean and sober as long as I've been
kept me in further denile of I can handle it.
I'll go when I need to....when that time arrives, I don't go.
"I can handle it."
So I do one those fox hole prayer.
God dose answers me in differnt ways, I was fully aware
of that also. but I was unable to change even a part of
me knew and wanted to. And the cycle of self defeat
continues.
I also see it happening to one of my best freind in recovery.
And I don't really know how to go about tell'in him.
He's not thinking about getting high or relapse.
He's working like a mad man trying to surpport his family.
It is also why I'm currently on step 6 again and
still keeping myself on this step for a while.
I belived I've rush through this step or process
LET GO.....
I'm also getting a better understanding of my defects
or relapes signs. My sponsors said he goes thur the same thing.
I basically get up and feel I'm in a funk almost every morning.
It's been a while since I've wake up with a zest for life.
I'm basically powerless over all my defects and would have to treat them
like I did with drugs or alcohol. It all goes back to step 1.
I'm trying to develope or practice this as a long term behavior
pattern. Surrender and let GOD fight my battles for me.
I'm basically powerless over everything other then turning
my will and life over.
Maybe I'm missing something so tell more .