thanks Tim2surrender.
There's a paragraph in the NA text, that got my attention
from earily on.
Getting things back, being employed, being socially acceptable,
dose not = recovery.
It bothered me a bit at first. As more clean time I got, I relized
that being an addict didn't only apply justs to drugs and alcohol.
Over working was the first thing I did. I felt just as F@%k up
as I did when I was using or worst, since I wasn't using.
I wasn't happy. Yes , I had a job, relationships, kids, cars and
a house.
There are many symtoms beside the drugs I notices as years went
by. The more I learned the more reconnize them.
I changes my life style in many, many ways.
Being in the fellowships, excercizing, hobbies, ect...
All these helped.
But I can get addictive to these activities just that same.
As my recocery grew. I also felt there was something dark
inside of me growning. It didn't have anything to do with
my childhood, losts ,or how good or bad I was living.
It feeds on the negatives of course.
To keep it short...It sucks to be in me.
This F@#cken thing inside of me wants to kill me and destroy me
or my life with or without the drugs or alcohol.
Recovery is easy sometimes, but it's f$@ken hard work most of
the time. I get sick and tired if sick and tired of working it also.
But I feel this disease getting stronger inside of me no matter
what I do.
Sometimes it dosn't matter what I do or don't do. I feel like
I'm going NUTZ
All I can do is Pray like hell weather I belive or don't belive.
Becuase this dark thing keeps tells me that there's no GOD.
I know its a symtom...
To live with it SUCKS. On a good day it okey.
ON a bad day..a dry drunk, insanity, or juast plane NUTZ...
I feel like not getting out of bed or living becuase everything
I touch or everything i do is just freanken wrong, but I can't do that, so
I make mistakes just trying to live to the best of my abilities.
One day at a time.
I came into recovery at 23,it tore me an extra A back when.
I'm currently 37 it's more powerful today than I can ever imagine..
Please share more on the matter. I need all the help I can get.
I know I'm responsiable for my recovery and not my disease,
but Damn......it ain't easy.
I have gray hairs, I don't dye them. I earned them.lol