itsmc4u

At the same time.....


I am a 27 year old daughter of an alcoholic mother and father. There are 4 of us kids. Two who seem to have walked away. 1 who is halfway out the door, and then myself. The baby

I despise my father.... he beat us all. He was angry while sober, and drunk every night.... he made my mother walk out on us when I was 12 years old.... she moved across the country, until about a year ago....

they were both terrible addicts when they met. My mother sobered up when I was born, she put up with my dads abuse and his alcoholism until she just couldnt take it anymore. She left, And she did it completely wrong, and ruined a few lives in the process. .

I guess about 10 years ago or so, she couldn't handle the guilt she felt, of leaving her kids and maybe some other self loathing ... she picked up the habit again... I cried and cried for years and begged and begged her to come back. When I finally gave up, she showed up, moved into my house and showed me just how screwed up she had become.


anyway.

My dad is on his last leg... he has been in and out of the hospital for years now. He looks like a walking skeleton. I still go visit occasionally. Although he never did anything but wreck me. And that is not an exaggeration. He has really lost his mind in the last year. I'm just waiting now..... his body is somehow hanging on with a completely shot liver, and one completely shot kidney. He still drinks, he still smokes a few packs a day. I dont know how he is still alive. I knew my entire life that this is how he would die....

it was to my complete shock, that this is how my mother would die
I didnt know how much damage she had done to her liver until she showed up to my new house (we had to move, long story) looking 9 months preggo, wasted away, no meat on her bones whatsoever, yellowing eyes and skin, cankles.... claiming she was gassy.... but this isnt my first rodeo you see..... I had to bug her for several days to go to the hospital .. and of course my suspicions were right..

ascites, adema, liver failure....

This is just too much for me. None of us kids have inherited this awful sickness, but I'm terrified of it. Im pretty sure I would have become an alcoholic by now, but I always worry if something falls apart, I'll fall into that trap. .

We turned out so good. I'm so proud of all of us. We all are happy. We all have beautiful families. ...

I love my mommy so much, I know she is just sick. I forgive her.... im sad for her.. she didnt have to do this to herself. I always had my arms open to her. Why didnt she just come back sooner... maybe I coukd have saved her life. I really hope she quits for good, and can ride this out. Who knows, maybe it isnt too late.

I know I am jumping around, but I'm terribly upset.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.