itsmc4u

At the same time.....


I am a 27 year old daughter of an alcoholic mother and father. There are 4 of us kids. Two who seem to have walked away. 1 who is halfway out the door, and then myself. The baby

I despise my father.... he beat us all. He was angry while sober, and drunk every night.... he made my mother walk out on us when I was 12 years old.... she moved across the country, until about a year ago....

they were both terrible addicts when they met. My mother sobered up when I was born, she put up with my dads abuse and his alcoholism until she just couldnt take it anymore. She left, And she did it completely wrong, and ruined a few lives in the process. .

I guess about 10 years ago or so, she couldn't handle the guilt she felt, of leaving her kids and maybe some other self loathing ... she picked up the habit again... I cried and cried for years and begged and begged her to come back. When I finally gave up, she showed up, moved into my house and showed me just how screwed up she had become.


anyway.

My dad is on his last leg... he has been in and out of the hospital for years now. He looks like a walking skeleton. I still go visit occasionally. Although he never did anything but wreck me. And that is not an exaggeration. He has really lost his mind in the last year. I'm just waiting now..... his body is somehow hanging on with a completely shot liver, and one completely shot kidney. He still drinks, he still smokes a few packs a day. I dont know how he is still alive. I knew my entire life that this is how he would die....

it was to my complete shock, that this is how my mother would die
I didnt know how much damage she had done to her liver until she showed up to my new house (we had to move, long story) looking 9 months preggo, wasted away, no meat on her bones whatsoever, yellowing eyes and skin, cankles.... claiming she was gassy.... but this isnt my first rodeo you see..... I had to bug her for several days to go to the hospital .. and of course my suspicions were right..

ascites, adema, liver failure....

This is just too much for me. None of us kids have inherited this awful sickness, but I'm terrified of it. Im pretty sure I would have become an alcoholic by now, but I always worry if something falls apart, I'll fall into that trap. .

We turned out so good. I'm so proud of all of us. We all are happy. We all have beautiful families. ...

I love my mommy so much, I know she is just sick. I forgive her.... im sad for her.. she didnt have to do this to herself. I always had my arms open to her. Why didnt she just come back sooner... maybe I coukd have saved her life. I really hope she quits for good, and can ride this out. Who knows, maybe it isnt too late.

I know I am jumping around, but I'm terribly upset.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

RevivingOphelia

I'm sorry for all your pain. My thoughts are with you. Sending strength.

chicory

I am so sorry, for your entire family. I hope with you,that your momma will want to get well, before it takes her life, but that is only in her hands. Seems you have done what you could, she knows you love and forgive her, and that is all we can do for them.

I am glad for you kids, though, on your determination to live lives not ruined by addiction. Be strong and take care of you, and your families. This is a good place to learn about how it affects the family. Alcoholism can affect us even after the alcoholics are not with us, after a lifetime of living with them. I am sorry for the pain you went through as kids, tho. I remember that misery well.

my best wishes to you. thank you for sharing and I hope being here helps you as much as it has me.

Kialua

This is a lot all at once for you. I'm sorry you had such bad parents, like I did. You didn't deserve that. Please read my blog, we have some common experiences, it might be of some help. My Mom didn't leave us but she joined in and allowed my Dad to beat us saying, "Not where it shows John!, not where it shows" So she was emotionally absent. I hope you have some spiritual and emotional support for this trying time. Can you attend any meetings or find a therapist? Let us know how you are doing.

jjj111

Itsmc4u, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. My parents were both alcoholics, both had problems with anger. They were sometimes abusive and sometimes oblivious to me and my siblings. Both of them died from the effects of alcoholism. It's been over ten years now since my father passed away, and he drank as long as he was well enough to hold a glass. My Mom passed away three years ago. It was so hard to lose them, and I still feel sad and angry sometimes. It's weird to miss them but also to feel this strange relief that I no longer have to deal with their problems. And I know that feeling of worrying that you will turn out like them! My childhood was so chaotic that it's hard for me to remember sometimes that I am grown up now and can choose to live a peaceful life! Anyway, it has been hard, but life goes on and it gets easier with time. I have the peace in my life now that I never had as a child. My thoughts are with you--please do know that it will get better. Hugs!