OT? - Found a little strength to do what I wanted
I guess I'm posting this as a realization, maybe/hopefully it's helpful for someone to read too. Not sure if I should have put off topic in the title.
It is amazing what the codependence can do to you.
I decided today to go home to my parents for the Christmas holiday for a full week. It'll be longest I've gone home for in over 10 years. I don't know if I'll even be with my girlfriend by that time, but even telling her that I'm staying that long will be an act of non-codependence. She knows that I normally stay less time because up until several years ago, things were very turbulent and the holidays were a time for me to engage in daily arguments and fights with my mother. Days usually ended with me crying in a room, her eating dinner separately without me and my father, her driving off into the night to do christmas shopping till the stores closed, then silent reconciliation the next day. Rinse and repeat until I get back on the plane. As I type this, it's striking how similar it sounds to the confusing sequence of events of those 'worst nights ever' I've had with my girlfriend. (my parents have never been drinkers)
The thing is, my experiences the last month or two with my alcoholic girlfriend have made me miss home more than ever. I live several hours away by plane. I only go home once a year. I'm an only child, have no friends in my immediate metro area, and no extended family.
My girlfriend will be at home with her mom and step-father. It's a quiet and stable place. She hates the holidays and views them as the saddest time of year. My impulse was not to go home at all this year. My impulse was to stay with her and shower her with love, and 'nurse' her wounds while she deals with the time of year I know is so painful for her for reasons still mysterious to me. I actually got it into my head that I could tell my father, who looks forward to my visit every year, that I'm opting not to come home for the first time in my life, even though I really do want to go home. I need it more than ever.
I just want to eat some good food, watch the discovery channel with my dad, drive around where I grew up, see a friend from high school maybe, read books at the local book store, and take it easy. I'm so exhausted. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading it if you did.