O my girls!!..it brought tears to my eyes to read that you had thought of us and remembered my story, I remember all of you ..dandylion you have always been amazing to get feed back from!
Lateeda, I checked those post and that's not me, all though I remember her story well, it was similar to mine. I wish I could find my old post it would be really interesting (and probably painful) to read ...see how far I have come if at all...
I know I take way to much of the blame for the whole situation...I remember somewhere reading that's our ego talking...giving ourself so much power, it MUST be our fault and OUR doing...lol!..sometimes I feel like my feelings toward his dad has contributed to the whole thing. While I have tried extremely hard not to bash or bad mouth his dad and to keep him out of the middle, there have definitely been times when he has seen me just broken...and falling apart. And im sure the anger I have toward the situation with this other person is impossible to feel. I think he feels like he is betraying me if he talks to or has a relationship with his dad.
And lets be honest, part of me enjoys seeing him (his dad) get some kind of punishment for leaving us...after all those years he gets sober and then leaves us...we don't get the chance to have a life with him sober...that's not easy to admit but I am human. Most of the time all I can think about is how happy he is with his new family and perfect little life now. I hate that I feel that way because obviousely it is painful and not healthy for my son and I don't encourage it...actually I often encourage him to call his dad or try to involve him in what is going on ..but Im being honest and saying a tiny piece of me says "you deserve it you idiot"...
a few days ago it was 2 years since I caught him with that person...its hard to believe here I am still struggling with the aftermath and still trying to get over it. still resentful of all those alcoholic years wasted and swearing I will be alone the rest of my life instead of going through anything like that again!!!