Its been months.....hope someone remembers my story

Old 11-02-2013, 07:38 AM
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Its been months.....hope someone remembers my story

It has been at least 6-8 months since I have posted. I went through a big move, and between all the moving, resetting internet service and email I lost my password and had to reset my account. The sight has me as never posting but I did for quite awhile and got really good and caring responds from a lot of you.
In hopes of refreshing anyones memory, in a nut shell, married to an A for 18 years (ours divorce was final in March) He has almost 4 years sober. I left because of his drinking, he went into a program and hit AA with a vengeance. We were on the road (so I thought) to working it out. Caught him in an affair, he wanted a divorce and that was that. He then proceeded to drag me through it for the next 18 months, our then 15 yr old son started experimenting with drugs and acting out defiantly..police were called several times when he would not come home. I put him through a local chemical dep. program for teens which dad did not attend once. some may remember the story of him letting our family dog waste away in his back yard with a tumor before he finally called a vet to come to his house and put her to sleep. Things were escalating with our son, he was acting out in order to gt his dads attention and it just never worked so he continued to keep taking it up a notch. I finally decided a move to Alabama to be near my family was my best choice.
We are here and getting settled, got here in June. He has started school and making up credits that he lost by flunking most of his classes sophomore year. Playing on the school baseball team. I got a great job at the hospital here and we found a little farm house on 20 acres .....I could not love this house more. Just leasing it but I feel like its home.

Dad is still with the woman. He at first had a hard time when we left. We drove and he called or text at least 4 times a day until we got here. It was the most contact we had with him in over a year. He was so caring and concerned.....until we arrived. Then it went back to not really hearing from him at all. That was to be expected and didn't surprise me at all. He seems relieved now that we are gone and he doesn't have to deal with the after math from our son and can focus on his gf. And now he has a reason that he is not involved with him...as he says "its hard to parent when your 3000 miles away"...I don't ask what his excuse was when we were 3 blocks away...it would be pointless.

Son still has a lot of anger....but not nearly as much as he did 6 months ago when he was punching holes in my walls and taking off. my problem is I feel like hes going to hate me when he gets older, I moved him away from his dad. He wanted to move, and dad put up absolutely no resistance, and I really believe he is better here with my uncle and brothers supporting him. and grama cooking his favorite foods all the time ...but I still have this horrible feeling that he and his dad will never have a relationship because I moved so far away. Dad doesn't even attempt to keep any kind of communication going. he will text me and ask how he is and I say fine and that's the end of the conversation. Ive told him to call him or text him...he says "he never answers me".....

And Im still working on my issues...feeling dumped by an alcoholic. Resentful that he left our family for another woman who seems to me is an alcoholic herself. he still has no contact with my 2 older sons who he raised as his own for 16 years. And understanding why after being with him for years through his drinking and then I catch him in bed with another woman and he treats me like im the one who did something wrong...like Im the crazy ex wife ...I hate that...
well just wanted to check in, see if anyone remembered me. Im still here...a little bitter and bruised but still here.
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:44 AM
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I remember you! Wasn't the name fourmyboys? I do remember your story.

SR has been a wonerful support for me!

Love from Lenina
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Old 11-02-2013, 07:54 AM
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Your story is inspiring. Congratulations on a healthy move for you and your son. Is there an Alateen organization in your area that your son could participate in? My xah left me and our three children for a gf many years ago. They were babies, but the situation has left some deep wounds. They each have their own issues related to their dad's alcoholism. It has been a form of abandonment for each of them. I'm trying hard to educate them about alcoholism so that they can understand that they had no fault in their dad's decision to leave them or to not fully participate in their lives. And to teach them how to make future healthy relationship choices in their own lives.

I love that your family is there for your son. Even though my family is thousands of miles away, my kids adore them and consider their uncles their second fathers. Welcome back to SR!
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Old 11-02-2013, 08:12 AM
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formyboys, I remember you quite well!! As a matter of fact, I have wondered whatever happened with you and the boys.

I am so glad to hear that you successfully got over the "hump" of the move--we all know how major that k ind of move is! It does sound like your overall situation is much improved over what you were living, before.

To be very honest with you, formyboys, I feel like you are giving far too much "head space" to guilt and taking responsibility for what is not yours. (these are things that we co-dependents are famous for). You did not take him away from his dad!! You are not responsible for the relationship between him and his dad---I know that you have never tried to block contact between the two of them.

My dear--try to look at this business of the "other woman" in a different way. You were not rejected by an alcoholic--you chose not to live in alcoholism. You rejected the alcoholic home and life---that, in my opinion, was a healthy choice. He went to another enabler. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ANY DEFICIT IN YOU!!
I think as you continue to grow within your self--you will come to see this, one day.

For my boys--I say all this, not in criticism, but in support of you. Don't beat-up so much on yourself! This is an order.

very sincerely,
dandylion

****I am sooo glad that you came back and let us know how you are doing!!!
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Old 11-02-2013, 01:09 PM
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Hi, Formyboys! Your little house sounds like a slice of heaven.

I was the crazy, manipulative ex-wife too. Most likely, in his world, I still am. *shrug* A year ago, if some one had told me just how little that would matter to me, I'd've thought they must have rose-colored glasses superglued to their face.

I do still however have a hard time dealing with feeling guilty that DS doesn't get to see his father. I think, because it really has very little to do with AXH and more to do with DS (9 yo). I think I get it worked out and... something comes up. The thing is, it's AXHs fault there is no relationship between hm and DS. Not mine. The steps I took during our divorce about custody and visitation were because of AXHs drinking and behavior. AXH not seeing DS for the past year and a half has been all AXHs doing.

I'm raising DS to understand there are consequences to our actions. If we make bad decisions, it's no ones fault but our own. Any decision we make changes the next string of choices available to us. If we make bad choices, some avenues of being are forever lost to us. Even if the decisions are solid and 'good', the making of those choices still changes the paths on front of us.

There are days I'm 99.99% certain DS won't blame me for his father's absence. Then there are days where I'm 99.99% certain otherwise. I hope that if he understands the connections between choices, actions and consequences, he'll be more understanding of the choices I made in leaving his father, and understanding of the fact that it's his father making the choice to continue to be absent from his life. Likewise, it's not his (DS's) fault that his father isn't around; it's not a choice that is his to make.

Hugs.
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Old 11-02-2013, 01:39 PM
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I remember you and I found your history here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s/4myboys.html

It was the number 4, not the word.

Happy to hear that things are better. And try to remember that it's not up to you to forge a relationship between your son and his dad. That's his dad's job.

L
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Old 11-02-2013, 08:00 PM
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Welcome home, formyboys, I have missed you and wondered how you were. It is good to have you back, and I am so glad that you have moved and found a stable base for you and your sons amidst loving family.

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Old 11-03-2013, 05:08 AM
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O my girls!!..it brought tears to my eyes to read that you had thought of us and remembered my story, I remember all of you ..dandylion you have always been amazing to get feed back from!
Lateeda, I checked those post and that's not me, all though I remember her story well, it was similar to mine. I wish I could find my old post it would be really interesting (and probably painful) to read ...see how far I have come if at all...

I know I take way to much of the blame for the whole situation...I remember somewhere reading that's our ego talking...giving ourself so much power, it MUST be our fault and OUR doing...lol!..sometimes I feel like my feelings toward his dad has contributed to the whole thing. While I have tried extremely hard not to bash or bad mouth his dad and to keep him out of the middle, there have definitely been times when he has seen me just broken...and falling apart. And im sure the anger I have toward the situation with this other person is impossible to feel. I think he feels like he is betraying me if he talks to or has a relationship with his dad.

And lets be honest, part of me enjoys seeing him (his dad) get some kind of punishment for leaving us...after all those years he gets sober and then leaves us...we don't get the chance to have a life with him sober...that's not easy to admit but I am human. Most of the time all I can think about is how happy he is with his new family and perfect little life now. I hate that I feel that way because obviousely it is painful and not healthy for my son and I don't encourage it...actually I often encourage him to call his dad or try to involve him in what is going on ..but Im being honest and saying a tiny piece of me says "you deserve it you idiot"...

a few days ago it was 2 years since I caught him with that person...its hard to believe here I am still struggling with the aftermath and still trying to get over it. still resentful of all those alcoholic years wasted and swearing I will be alone the rest of my life instead of going through anything like that again!!!
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Old 11-03-2013, 05:27 AM
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if anyone knows how I can find my old threads...maybe through the your responses to me ? that would be great. Im pretty sure my user name was formyboys, it has my location as my old one before I moved, I just could not remember my password and just ended up starting new.
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Old 11-03-2013, 05:46 AM
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I was in the psychologist's office one time and I said "I want to move away, but I don't want to take my kids' dad away from them."
(Because I am all about playing the martyr.)

And the psychologist said

"Maybe you won't take their dad away, but he can take himSELF away from them by his drinking and other irresponsible behavior."

I like the part where someone said "taking responsibility for something not yours."

Enjoy that precious, peaceful life in the country. You have earned it.
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Old 11-03-2013, 06:07 AM
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formyboys--trust me--he doesn't have a perfect little life. It may look like it to you--from the outside. A person who has his behaviors is not an actualized person. The only satisfying "revenge"--if you can call it that--is to live well. I have found this out myself!!!!!

How you are feeling is human and it is real (all feelings are real). It is just that it doesn't have to feel this way forever...LOL. You have more healing to do---and you will recognize the healing when the past is no longer mucking up your future.

You are doing well, girl!!!!!!!!

dandylion

P.S. I'll give you a confession of mine--After a painful break-up in the past (I was a hot mess for quite a while), I drew great revengeful comfort by wishing that he would go bald, develop a huge gut, and suffer from very premature sexual dysfunctions.
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:05 PM
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I am so glad I posted on this sight again!!..I have been stuck since we got here...hadn't even worked on unpacking in weeks. This old farm house is perfect and I have all these ideas and then I would just sit..and think...and mope. I still have days, be it further between, that I sit and sob over the life that I lost. If Im honest with myself I took this house because it was what I and XRAH always wanted...and Ive had dreams of him coming back and having that life we always dreamed of...pathetic really since im sure I rarely cross his mind..2 yrs out and I still cry over him and he has a whole new family.
good gawd!!
but today after reading some of your post I got motivated...I unpacked some boxes and started working in my sun room..I have huge ideas to make it my reading room with all the things I love..just for me!!. I even did some more work in the kitchen and hung some pictures etc.
Thanks girls..dandylion, I have definitely had the same thoughts of my ex..but hes already bald, has a huge gut and well the rest.......I can only wish..LOL!!!
stella your right I deserve this and I need to start enjoying my life. Today I really did, I don't know how I will feel tomorrow but today was a good day.
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:12 PM
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formyboys---That is too funny...LOL! Of course, we know that these things are "scenatrio dependent". lmao

dandylion
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Old 11-04-2013, 10:36 AM
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Hi formyboys...I remember you; I don't know that I posted on your threads, but I remember reading your story.

I'm SO happy to hear the excellent update on your son! Sounds like a complete turnaround for him so far and the move may be exactly what he needed.

I don't have kids, but I do have teens in my life and memories of friends from that age. Your son is 15...he's old enough to make decisions about his relationships. He may not really want to communicate with his dad much right now. He may see the choices his father has made and be wanting to distance himself from that. It's up to him to decide what kind of relationship he has with his father, not you. In my state, he is at the age where the courts start deferring to the child about custody issues because they are old enough to understand & make good decisions, especially if they have a parent (like you!) giving them good guidance.

So glad you're back!
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Old 11-11-2013, 10:23 PM
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I figures out what my name was back then when I was posting regularly...it was my3sonsnme..it wont let me use that account anymore but for those confusing me with 4myboy, well that's why..lol!!
Thanks for all the feed back girls ...you guys are the best!
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Old 11-12-2013, 03:34 PM
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I definitely remember you & thanks for coming back & updating us.
Firstly try not to read into the future of how things may be & how your son may feel in the future, it will drive you crazy.
Accept that you made a healthy choice for yourself & your family & focus on the now & a brighter future.
Do not hold yourself responsible for the relationship between your son & his father, that is their relationship & you have no control over that.
I'm glad to hear your son is doing better.
Look after yourself, focus on you & given time you will be in a much happier healthier space, I promise.
Big hugs.
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