Eddiebuckle

BIP, I know your story because it is almost exactly like mine. The difference being that in mine I was the one who drank. There are two conversations that occurred, one that was spoken and one that was not. The verbal conversation you had with him was the story, what he had to say to make it OK to walk away. I seriously doubt that he is any happier about this than you are, but deep down inside he knew it couldn't work. This is where the other conversation occurs: in the alcoholics mind. I told the woman I spent 15 years of my life with that I saw no reason for us to bother with counseling to try and save our relationship. I lied to her, and knew it when I did it. I could not face the prospect of not drinking, and I knew I could never drink in a way she would find acceptable.

In a way, your ex paid you a compliment. He knows you well enough to know that your integrity (ie the fact that your emotions, words and actions are consistent with one another) and his drinking are not compatible. He bailed, because he can not bring his actions in line with his emotions and words, and sooner or later the outcome would be the same. He cut his losses, and he cut yours as well.

For me, my drinking escalated from something around your ex BFs current state to in excess of a liter of vodka a night, seven nights a week. It wasn't until the prospect of staying the same was as scary as dying that I chose to go to detox. Nothing my ex could say or do could give me that epiphany - it was a conclusion I had to make for myself in my own time.

While I know you are hurting, in my view you are at your bottom: there is no way but up from here. Be gentle to yourself, let time heal at its pace, and know that whatever happens, you will never go wrong by continuing to be true to yourself.