Feeling completely broken...

Old 10-30-2013, 08:59 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BrokenInPieces's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Feeling completely broken...

I've been dating an amazing guy for a little over two years. He is everything that I've wished for and wanted in a man... except that he drinks. Every night. He doesn't get fall down drunk or sloppy drunk. He's never so much as raised his voice at me. He has always been very respectful, chivalrous, unbelievably thoughtful, and loving toward me. He doesn't miss work or other obligations. He only drinks at night - but usually alone. His "couple of drinks to relax and unwind" equates to about 8-10 shots of hard liquor - sometimes a little more - every night.

The issue of his drinking - and my concerns about it - has come up a few times over the past couple years. I've done my best to express my concerns to him as honestly and openly as I possibly could without coming across as judgmental or nagging. I've told him how much I love him and how much I hurt when I see him drink. I've told him that I wanted us to be the best us we could be, as I wanted to share my life with him. I've told him that I want to be able to go away for the weekend or on vacations with him without having to - rather NEEDING to - bring the bottle with us.

He doesn't feel that there's a problem. He feels that I'm trying to change him and even if he were to quit drinking, I'd find something else "wrong" with him.

He let me know almost a year ago that he was ready for me to move in with him. I hesitated - because of his drinking. A couple months ago, I said to him that I very much wanted to move our relationship forward but I felt like we were stuck. I couldn't live with something that he couldn't live without. And it made me so very very sad for us. We are so great together.

I've spent too many nights reading posts here in a futile attempt to glean some shred of hope that I am over-reacting, that it isn't really that big a deal, or some guidance with how to be "ok" with it.... but there is none. Everything points to what I am so very sad to realize - that whether it's one year, or 5 years, or 10 years or 20.... it WILL get worse.

I truly believe he is my soul mate, but I refuse to live waiting for the other shoe to drop. His ship is slowly taking on water and I refuse to go down with it.

So after another very fun and enjoyable weekend together, I left Monday morning feeling so very sad. We have so much fun together and I think "this is the man I want to be my life partner"... and then reality hits me that this is the best we'll ever be.

So I've been feeling down the past couple days - he knew that. I called him tonight at work and we chatted a bit and then he asked "so what else is going on.. are you ok?"... and i said "yeah, I'm ok. nothing that I want to talk about over the phone while you're at work - we can talk another time".... then he said "i know what this is about, and i told you the last time it came up that i'm not having another discussion about it. I've made concession after concession for you and it's never enough. I'll take the burden for this. I'm done. I can't live like this. Don't text me, call me, email me or come by my house.".... I didn't know what to say. I just said "ok". And then he said goodnight and hung up.

And now I'm left completely broken to pieces and thinking about all we've shared and everything we had before us. It didn't mean a damn thing to him. His drink is more important than I ever was.

I don't even know where to begin to start over. I've got a very long, painful path of loneliness and longing and hurt and sadness ahead of me.
BrokenInPieces is offline  
Old 10-30-2013, 09:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Dear Broken;

I am so sorry this has happened and that you are suffering. These kind of breakups are so traumatic because to us, it seems like they are choosing something so unimportant over us; and it wrecks our confidence. Your boyfriend sounds very much like my Ex. He drank vodka every night, about the same amount as yours. He knew how I felt about addiction issues going into our relationship so he went secret with his drinking. I also hesitated about moving in with him, because things just seemed wrong. I actually never saw him drunk. But other things in his life starting being affected. He had constant headaches, rarely felt rested, became increasingly negative and depressed. I don't know what came first; his emotional issues or his addiction to alcohol, but I guess in the end it did not matter. I am so glad both of us followed our intuition and did not move in. Sometimes, love is not enough.

Welcome to the site; I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found the forum like I did three months ago. It has been a HUGE help for me. It will be for you too. Keep reading and writing. It helps.

Hugs to you
nbay2013 is offline  
Old 10-30-2013, 09:24 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. You can start over by working on yourself and your own happiness, one day at a time. Learn to love life on your own again. You did have a very long, painful path of loneliness ahead of you (married to an A, I can attest to that), but now, whether or not you can see it yet, you will hopefully have something else much better ahead. (((((hugs)))))
Mango blast is offline  
Old 10-30-2013, 09:41 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Sorry you are going through this Broken. His drinking sounds a lot like mine toward the end. I never got in any trouble or got crazy when I drank. I actually thought because of that I did not have a problem. At least not one big enough to quit. It would have made me angry if I was challenged on it. The damage it did to my brain totally twisted my thinking. He doesn't see things clearly so there is no way for you to make sense of it. He will have to be quit for awhile before he gets back his ability to reason. You were right to be concerned but he doesn't see it that way.
silentrun is offline  
Old 10-30-2013, 10:16 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
OnawaMiniya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Welcome to the forum, BrokenInPieces. Please keep posting. There is a lot of support and knowledge among the people here.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and down.

This isn't going to be easy to do, but try your best to refocus on facts when your feelings get the best of you..when you feel upset, longing for those good times and feelings, turn that thought around and remind yourself of things such as: if it was that painful to deal with, it would have been infinitely harder to deal with had you lived with him; that while you describe him as wonderful aside from drinking (and I'm not saying he has zero good qualities) he was actually, in my opinion, abusive toward you when confronted with his drinking problem; things like that. What you are doing by reminding yourself of these things is making the best out of a situation that is causing you pain. In other words, it could have been far worse, and in the long run, you are avoiding more pain. You were right, insightful, and very smart to not move in with him. I'm married to one...there were red flags...I didn't listen to that little voice inside of me like you did...and it's a nightmare.

Heart ache SUCKS. It just does. Fact.

Also fact: as cliche as it sounds, with time, the pain will lose that horrible raw quality, and you will heal. Though that's not very comforting when the wound is fresh, just knowing that you WILL eventually feel better can help to get you through some of the hard days ahead.

The fact that he went off, talking about making "concession after concession" for you (hmmm....yet he's still drinking? Sounds like quacking to me...in other words, sounds like BS), and harshly insisting on no contact of any kind simply because you have (valid!) concerns about his drinking...that right there tells you all you need to know about what kind of "life" you would've had with him. Remember that you are mourning your DREAMS of what life COULD HAVE been like with him - and that the reality of what life WOULD HAVE been like with him is another story. It hurts to have a dream stomped. Be kind to yourself and make yourself a priority at this time.

I can promise you that living with him would have been so much worse...the resentment that builds night after night, day after day of the same old bullsh!t is horrible and unhealthy to experience.

Alcoholics don't appreciate it when anyone or anything tries to get between them and their precious bottle. It's not you. It's them.

I am sorry for the pain you feel. Wishing you strength, and the calm, quiet peace that comes with understanding and accepting the truth for what it is. You deserve better.

Peace.
OnawaMiniya is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:18 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome. I hope you find insight here. It is surprising isn' it. We hear about the big bad times, but there are just as many times that they drink and remain the same person until you push the issue. Then they reverse it all back to being YOUR problem and they have sacrificed so much...quack, quack, quack.

I would say for him to have such a reaction means that he is much deeper into this than you realize. Stick to what you believe in. What you are reading is correct, I too have not seen times that it does not get better without them getting help.

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you take the time to work on you and realize this is his issue and he had to fix it.

Blessings!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:59 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm sorry, babe. I'm an old fart now but when I was in my teens, I dated this amazing guy. He told me I was the love of his and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That nobody understood him like I did. That he was terrified that I would leave him because I meant everything to him. And then I found injection needles in his bathroom. And I knew he wasn't a diabetic.

I gave him an ultimatum: Me or the drugs. Never for a second did I think he would actually choose the drugs. After all he had said. But he did. He chose the drugs over me.

I was heartbroken. I couldn't understand how the drugs could mean more to him than our love. Than me. Than what we had together.

I honestly didn't understand until I got out of a marriage to an alcoholic some 30 years later. It's like... addicts have a choice but they don't. It's not an even choice. It's not like they can look rationally at "on the one hand here, I have this amazing relationship with a woman who adores me -- and on the other hand, I have this substance that will first take my money, then my integrity, then my life. Now let's see which one I should choose..." Rationally, it's a no-brainer. But there's no rationality to how an addict thinks about his drug of choice.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Please remember that the fact that he isn't able to see that he has a problem says NOTHING about you. It doesn't rob you of a single ounce of your worth and value.

Take good care of yourself.

Oh -- and one more thing: Don't be surprised if he contacts you again, tells you that he loves you and can't imagine life without you, and that he wants to marry you but you can't talk about his drinking. I've heard that one before.
lillamy is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 09:59 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
firebolt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow - goosebumps - this sounds exactly like my relationship, and my A, except I am the one that ended it. We've had the same conversations, and are in the same position, except we do live together. When I ended it, he flipped out mad, came back 2 days later and vowed to quit drinking. He quit for a month (maybe?) then said he could drink like a normal person. He has a few beers a week (that I know of,) never gets drunk (that I know of,) and it has been 3.5 months since he made that bs promise to me.

If I had stuck to my guns, I would be 3.5 months into my new life with HALF of the pain of alcoholism that I currently deal with (my boss is also an A - that's fun...)

Anywho - he didn't quit, alcohol still feels like the most important thing in his life, AND I get to deal with the mood swings, depression, and distance from him because he is not drinking nuts out like he wants to be. And I am just waiting for the day when he says F it, I don't care, and buys his first of the next thousand half gallons of cheap vodka again....

As others said, don't be surprised if he calls making promised and begging you back - I NEVER thought my A would do that, but he did...and I fell for it against my better judgment.

He did you a favor - you will be SO much better off. A's are not perfect for us, they are not our soul mates, and they will not give us the happiness, or reciprocal relationships that we deserve. (((HUGS))) I empathize so much with you.
firebolt is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 10:12 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by firebolt View Post

A's are not perfect for us, they are not our soul mates, and they will not give us the happiness, or reciprocal relationships that we deserve.
True words.
nbay2013 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:10 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BrokenInPieces's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I am so incredibly sad - and know I will be for some time. I think of our plans for this weekend, that I am no longer welcome to. Our plans for the holidays, that will never happen. The tickets I bought just a week ago to a show we wanted to see, that now we won't. And I think of how much it hurts that the one person who could take away my pain is the one causing it.

I'm not enough, and never will be.
BrokenInPieces is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:29 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
csd
Member
 
csd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Aussie
Posts: 50
Hi Broken, I feel for you, really. dont ever say your not enough, cause one day your going to be much much more than enough to someone who is truly going to give you what you deserve. I had the same thought you did with my ex, so much love and affection, it felt so right.... now the further I am away from her, the more i lean to the fact it was so wrong. I know its hard now, but you deserve better and I believe you will get better.
csd is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:29 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I'm not enough, and never will be.

BrokenInPieces, none of us who love an alcoholic or addict can ever be enough. It is not you; it is all of us.

It is heart-breaking, and most of us here have felt the pain and loss that you are describing.

No one can ever fill the hole inside an addict/alcoholic that is burnt there by their drug of choice which then demands, insatiably, to be filled.

No one can do that for anyone.

We are here to comfort you, and as we do that, we comfort ourselves.

I am so sorry for your loss, for my loss, for all of our losses.

ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:50 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces View Post
Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I am so incredibly sad - and know I will be for some time. I think of our plans for this weekend, that I am no longer welcome to. Our plans for the holidays, that will never happen. The tickets I bought just a week ago to a show we wanted to see, that now we won't. And I think of how much it hurts that the one person who could take away my pain is the one causing it.

I'm not enough, and never will be.
This is my life too! All the dreams that he has taken away from me... I feel like you are writing my story! My ABF is in rehab and will be for the next few weeks. It hurts like hell knowing that i need to move on in my life without him. i know thats the best decision i can make for myself. i am seeing that every day I feel just a little more human. Someday I know I'll be grateful that this happened to me because I know there is a guy out there who is better for me. You will too.
Jd77 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:15 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BrokenInPieces's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
I am a flood of raw emotion right now and know that some of my thinking/feeling is irrational. But I will admit that there is a part of me that wonders if it would have made more of an impact on him if it had been me to end things, not him. That, once again, he has "control".

And I'm mad that after two years together, he dumps me over the phone.

And then I'm sad again.
BrokenInPieces is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:23 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
It's a hard place to be ...but when the sun comes up try to be thankful for knowing what you know now....Yes, can you imagine 10 years from now?

It sound's like you've known the truth for quite sometime now. Reality sucks, but it sure saves us from more disaster in the future.

Honestly, Im quite proud of you for figuring this out early in the game. It took me years, and years, and years of misery to understand "it's more than just drinking too much" every night!!...Good for you! ...Pat yourself on the back and don't look back!!
BobbyJ is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:31 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
I'm not enough, and never will be.

BrokenInPieces, none of us who love an alcoholic or addict can ever be enough. It is not you; it is all of us.

It is heart-breaking, and most of us here have felt the pain and loss that you are describing.

No one can ever fill the hole inside an addict/alcoholic that is burnt there by their drug of choice which then demands, insatiably, to be filled.

No one can do that for anyone.
Wow....yes, this really hit home with me. I felt exactly like this with my XABF. As his alcoholism quickly revealed itself during Round #2 of our relationship, I was left so hurt and confused. I did feel like I wasn't "enough" for him, because he clearly put alcohol first, time and time again. My feelings and needs came second to the fleeting pleasure he seemed to get while wasted....And, in the end, he vanished and I felt even more worthless and inadequate...

BrokenInPieces, I'm so sorry you've experienced this. I know that horrible feeling when it's pretty clear that alcohol is being chosen over you...The very fact that your guy doesn't see the problem, is exactly the problem.....And, that's what it came down to with my XA, as well. I don't wish this on anyone, but if anything, please know that you aren't alone with these feelings. And, also remember that nothing you could've said or done would've made him 'come around.' I tortured myself with those 'what ifs' for so long, and now I do see that the whole situation was so totally out of control....We are powerless as far as what *they* choose to do. Still, we tend to want them to chose *us*, no matter. It's so hard....It does get better with time.
trixie56 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:38 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces View Post
I am a flood of raw emotion right now and know that some of my thinking/feeling is irrational. But I will admit that there is a part of me that wonders if it would have made more of an impact on him if it had been me to end things, not him. That, once again, he has "control".

And I'm mad that after two years together, he dumps me over the phone.

And then I'm sad again.
My XABF also dumped me over the phone...On New Year's Eve...This time around, after we reconciled, he just went AWOL, as if I didn't even exist..So yes, you have every right to be confused and hurt and full of rage. I was for quite a while.

If anything, let this immature, disrespectful, insulting, and cruel behavior reinforce the fact that he is NOT the kind of person you need in your life. Aside from my XA, I don't think anyone else in my life would ever handle a relationship ending (or a relationship, in general) so horribly. I've learned here on SR that alcoholism makes healthy, loving relationships impossible....Breakups such as yours, and mine, are clear evidence of that, if anything.
trixie56 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:46 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
BrokenInPieces's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
I know for a while I've tried to find any shred of hope that it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. It's always the same time of day (10pm-midnight or so), it's always the same type of hard liquor, it's always the same amount (or nearly). So how could it be a problem if it seemed so "controlled"? But when his nightly "couple of drinks to relax" was equivalent to about 8-10 1.5oz shots of hard alcohol (which would put most people under the table), then his "ramp it up a little with the boys" was clearly more than that.

Ugh. I hate alcohol. I love him. I wish the two didn't like each other so much.
BrokenInPieces is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:48 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eddiebuckle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces View Post
His drink is more important than I ever was.

I don't even know where to begin to start over. I've got a very long, painful path of loneliness and longing and hurt and sadness ahead of me.
BIP, I know your story because it is almost exactly like mine. The difference being that in mine I was the one who drank. There are two conversations that occurred, one that was spoken and one that was not. The verbal conversation you had with him was the story, what he had to say to make it OK to walk away. I seriously doubt that he is any happier about this than you are, but deep down inside he knew it couldn't work. This is where the other conversation occurs: in the alcoholics mind. I told the woman I spent 15 years of my life with that I saw no reason for us to bother with counseling to try and save our relationship. I lied to her, and knew it when I did it. I could not face the prospect of not drinking, and I knew I could never drink in a way she would find acceptable.

In a way, your ex paid you a compliment. He knows you well enough to know that your integrity (ie the fact that your emotions, words and actions are consistent with one another) and his drinking are not compatible. He bailed, because he can not bring his actions in line with his emotions and words, and sooner or later the outcome would be the same. He cut his losses, and he cut yours as well.

For me, my drinking escalated from something around your ex BFs current state to in excess of a liter of vodka a night, seven nights a week. It wasn't until the prospect of staying the same was as scary as dying that I chose to go to detox. Nothing my ex could say or do could give me that epiphany - it was a conclusion I had to make for myself in my own time.

While I know you are hurting, in my view you are at your bottom: there is no way but up from here. Be gentle to yourself, let time heal at its pace, and know that whatever happens, you will never go wrong by continuing to be true to yourself.
Eddiebuckle is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 08:14 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle View Post
BIP, I know your story because it is almost exactly like mine. The difference being that in mine I was the one who drank. There are two conversations that occurred, one that was spoken and one that was not. The verbal conversation you had with him was the story, what he had to say to make it OK to walk away. I seriously doubt that he is any happier about this than you are, but deep down inside he knew it couldn't work. This is where the other conversation occurs: in the alcoholics mind. I told the woman I spent 15 years of my life with that I saw no reason for us to bother with counseling to try and save our relationship. I lied to her, and knew it when I did it. I could not face the prospect of not drinking, and I knew I could never drink in a way she would find acceptable.

In a way, your ex paid you a compliment. He knows you well enough to know that your integrity (ie the fact that your emotions, words and actions are consistent with one another) and his drinking are not compatible. He bailed, because he can not bring his actions in line with his emotions and words, and sooner or later the outcome would be the same. He cut his losses, and he cut yours as well.

For me, my drinking escalated from something around your ex BFs current state to in excess of a liter of vodka a night, seven nights a week. It wasn't until the prospect of staying the same was as scary as dying that I chose to go to detox. Nothing my ex could say or do could give me that epiphany - it was a conclusion I had to make for myself in my own time.

While I know you are hurting, in my view you are at your bottom: there is no way but up from here. Be gentle to yourself, let time heal at its pace, and know that whatever happens, you will never go wrong by continuing to be true to yourself.
Thank you, this was very helpful for me to read as well. I felt this way with my XA after he vanished, "two conversations...one that was spoken and one that was not." His actions had not at all been living up to his words, his promises of "change." I was never against drinking, and I could never understand why my way of drinking (not getting crazy drunk) never seemed 'good enough' for him. To him, I wasn't 'a drinker' like him. (Now I see that is a good thing..) It made no sense, but then again, now I see that it had more to do with me being uncomfortable with his excitement for getting drunk.

Deep down I could feel what was really going on, and why he really left. But of course, I couldn't get validation/explanations from him by that time, and even if I could...they probably wouldn't have been totally honest.

Thank you for offering the A's perspective.
trixie56 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:02 PM.