Katchie

I went to alanon yesterday, what a break thru for me personally. I about had a melt down and still could. I was suppose to read page 92, which I did and it just jumped off the page in a wow moment. The page is from Courage to Change and talks about the 3 A's -- Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, "I am inclined to try to jump from awareness to action without even pausing for acceptance...The problem is that until I accept the situation, defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences..Even if it does work, I am usually too full of selfdoubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to to back, sit still, feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance." Reading this about knocked me out of my chair; this is exactly me. Funny thing is, I read from the wrong book during alanon. The head lady, much wiser in experience than me, kindly allowed me to read it, share, and cry until she let me know it was the wrong book at the right time for the right person inspired by my HP.

But I have been doing this. I'm not sure how to "feel" any of this. I've literally jumped from being aware of the situation to the need to plan my next 5 years to make sure I can care for myself and my family should my AH not be able to in the future. I'm freaking scared.

So I go about the rest of my day planning how to take care of my 3 sons who will be travelling to another state for a basketball game while I travel tomorrow moring to TN in the other direction from them. I've made sure my AH will not be driving them anywhere and when they get home they will be staying with the same friend that is picking them up from school and driving them to the game.

I let my AH know that these arrangements have been made, but he is clueless that I have made these plans in an effort to prevent him from driving them. Right after telling him that this morning, a news piece comes on the morning show about a drunk driver in Wisconsin being chased by police; it ended VERY badly. The drunk hit some concrete pilons, went airborn and hit the police car that was chasing him. It was all on the police cars camera. The guy was arrested on his 3rd DUI and bonded out of jail w/in a couple of hours. It was utter awkward silence in our bed after watching that. My AH has had 2 DUI's. All I could think about is, that could have been my family and I just wanted to cry but couldn't in front of him; I couldn't even show any emotion. I feel like my AH is a kid I have to take care of and make arrangements for -- I HATE IT! There are just so many things i absolutely hate about this.