Skipping feeling/acceptance

Old 10-31-2013, 07:15 AM
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Skipping feeling/acceptance

I went to alanon yesterday, what a break thru for me personally. I about had a melt down and still could. I was suppose to read page 92, which I did and it just jumped off the page in a wow moment. The page is from Courage to Change and talks about the 3 A's -- Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, "I am inclined to try to jump from awareness to action without even pausing for acceptance...The problem is that until I accept the situation, defect, or memory that has come to my awareness, I can rarely take effective action or live serenely with the consequences..Even if it does work, I am usually too full of selfdoubt to realize it. Most of the time, I still have to to back, sit still, feel the feelings, and come to some acceptance." Reading this about knocked me out of my chair; this is exactly me. Funny thing is, I read from the wrong book during alanon. The head lady, much wiser in experience than me, kindly allowed me to read it, share, and cry until she let me know it was the wrong book at the right time for the right person inspired by my HP.

But I have been doing this. I'm not sure how to "feel" any of this. I've literally jumped from being aware of the situation to the need to plan my next 5 years to make sure I can care for myself and my family should my AH not be able to in the future. I'm freaking scared.

So I go about the rest of my day planning how to take care of my 3 sons who will be travelling to another state for a basketball game while I travel tomorrow moring to TN in the other direction from them. I've made sure my AH will not be driving them anywhere and when they get home they will be staying with the same friend that is picking them up from school and driving them to the game.

I let my AH know that these arrangements have been made, but he is clueless that I have made these plans in an effort to prevent him from driving them. Right after telling him that this morning, a news piece comes on the morning show about a drunk driver in Wisconsin being chased by police; it ended VERY badly. The drunk hit some concrete pilons, went airborn and hit the police car that was chasing him. It was all on the police cars camera. The guy was arrested on his 3rd DUI and bonded out of jail w/in a couple of hours. It was utter awkward silence in our bed after watching that. My AH has had 2 DUI's. All I could think about is, that could have been my family and I just wanted to cry but couldn't in front of him; I couldn't even show any emotion. I feel like my AH is a kid I have to take care of and make arrangements for -- I HATE IT! There are just so many things i absolutely hate about this.
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:45 AM
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I love those big AHA moments, I'll never forget the first time I "felt" detachment for real after all the reading on it.... it was such an epiphany!

There was a phenomenal post on another forum last week that you might really appreciate reading (it's been turned into a sticky): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
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Old 10-31-2013, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I love those big AHA moments, I'll never forget the first time I "felt" detachment for real after all the reading on it.... it was such an epiphany!

There was a phenomenal post on another forum last week that you might really appreciate reading (it's been turned into a sticky): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
Thank you for that
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Old 10-31-2013, 09:55 AM
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I am so sorry! I do think that he should know that is why you are doing what you are doing. It is a consequence your entire family has to deal with, he should share that consequence. I could hear in your post the other day what stress his not being able to drive the kids will put on you.

I too hate this. There have been so many times I feel like I have three children instead of two. I am slowly changing that. I am slowly making him step up as I need to see what sort of father he will be if we do separate. I too am scared, you are not alone. Take it a second at a time. Breathe. You are safe, your children are safe.

Have a safe trip!
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Old 10-31-2013, 10:07 AM
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I found,---and I have seen so often reported, here, on the forum that in many situations that one is functioning like a single parent, anyway, without realizing it. It became so much easier for me when I became single--without all the inner stress that the husband was causing me.

When one becomes a single parent, we change our expectations. No more unfulfilled expectations. Reality is actually easier to deal with than high expectations that disappoint us..over and over...and over.......UGH!!!

I also think it would be fair to let him know why you have made these arrangements for the children---you don't have to, of course--but, it would only be fair if you did. I know the Universe gives me pleanty of feedback when i have F*****-up! LOL

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Old 10-31-2013, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post

When one becomes a single parent, we change our expectations. No more unfulfilled expectations. Reality is actually easier to deal with than high expectations that disappoint us..over and over...and over.......UGH!!!

dandylion
^^^ YES ^^^^

This is a huge thing, can't be overstated. The constant let downs, and bracing for them, and endlessly hoping for something different from the SAME person with the SAME lack of capacity, is soul-killing - for every member of the family.

Letting go of this behavior hurts, because it has become our own ingrained, sick habit, but I believe this is when actual healing and growth can take place.

I am so sorry you are having to be the only responsible adult right now, with the stakes so high. Take heart, you are on the right path.
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