Warning! depressing post incoming...but i need to vent this stuff somewhere, sometime & it helps me to write stuff out and know that understanding people are digesting it & perhaps even identifying with it. I havnt told anyone else im trying to get sober...yet
It's 7:30pm & I would normally be getting blotto right about now, but im not! im sober & posting on SR. I probably drink most days starting late afternoon & always drink till im drunk & 95% of the time it's on my own. Normally by now i would be cranking up some music & pottering around the house finding inane things to do, achieving nothing, slowly getting more & more out of it till the tiredness comes...then bed & then the inevitable 3am ish wakeup / feeling truly horrible, skull some water, take painkillers & drift off till around 7am & wake feeling slightly less disgusting and get on with my day of anxiety & acting like a ghost around others. pretty pathetic really but the allure of that 3pm drink is really strong & i make damned sure there is at least 3 bottles wine (or equivelent ammount of alcohol) on hand, or i just don't bother to drink. i HATE the running out feeling!! so ive gotten really good at making sure i dont run out.
You know what else?
Ive deleted my facebook account recently because 1: I kept getting drunk and waking up to find id embarrassed myself with awkward posts & often didnt even make sense.
& 2: i find it to too depressing seeing the happy lives other people in my feed are (apparently) having. My answer? quit drinking?? nope...ban myself from social networking...lol...so i can drink in undisturbed peace.
SO yeah, I've isolated myself terribly & only occasionally see family, never enjoy it. Very rarely I'll spend time with some life long friends who live an hours drive from me. I work part time, but it's a huge effort to hold the job down & im struggling. & then theirs my 2 1/2 year old daughter who I have half of the time. She adores me! & iI am a loving father who would like to think he would do anything for her. On the days i drink, i make sure i go to bed in time to wake up to look after her...but who am i kidding?? looking after your kid while hungover is not much fun for anyone involved, although she's so young she doesnt seem to notice anything...yet
SO yeah, end of rant. I promise i will make an effort to be positive from now! I know this is not rock bottom for me, but it feels bad enough for me to not want to ever get close to that.
Nice to read how well some others of you are doing & i can identify with some others on the challenges they are facing.
thanks for reading & hopefully not judging
