BrokenInPieces

I've been dating an amazing guy for a little over two years. He is everything that I've wished for and wanted in a man... except that he drinks. Every night. He doesn't get fall down drunk or sloppy drunk. He's never so much as raised his voice at me. He has always been very respectful, chivalrous, unbelievably thoughtful, and loving toward me. He doesn't miss work or other obligations. He only drinks at night - but usually alone. His "couple of drinks to relax and unwind" equates to about 8-10 shots of hard liquor - sometimes a little more - every night.

The issue of his drinking - and my concerns about it - has come up a few times over the past couple years. I've done my best to express my concerns to him as honestly and openly as I possibly could without coming across as judgmental or nagging. I've told him how much I love him and how much I hurt when I see him drink. I've told him that I wanted us to be the best us we could be, as I wanted to share my life with him. I've told him that I want to be able to go away for the weekend or on vacations with him without having to - rather NEEDING to - bring the bottle with us.

He doesn't feel that there's a problem. He feels that I'm trying to change him and even if he were to quit drinking, I'd find something else "wrong" with him.

He let me know almost a year ago that he was ready for me to move in with him. I hesitated - because of his drinking. A couple months ago, I said to him that I very much wanted to move our relationship forward but I felt like we were stuck. I couldn't live with something that he couldn't live without. And it made me so very very sad for us. We are so great together.

I've spent too many nights reading posts here in a futile attempt to glean some shred of hope that I am over-reacting, that it isn't really that big a deal, or some guidance with how to be "ok" with it.... but there is none. Everything points to what I am so very sad to realize - that whether it's one year, or 5 years, or 10 years or 20.... it WILL get worse.

I truly believe he is my soul mate, but I refuse to live waiting for the other shoe to drop. His ship is slowly taking on water and I refuse to go down with it.

So after another very fun and enjoyable weekend together, I left Monday morning feeling so very sad. We have so much fun together and I think "this is the man I want to be my life partner"... and then reality hits me that this is the best we'll ever be.

So I've been feeling down the past couple days - he knew that. I called him tonight at work and we chatted a bit and then he asked "so what else is going on.. are you ok?"... and i said "yeah, I'm ok. nothing that I want to talk about over the phone while you're at work - we can talk another time".... then he said "i know what this is about, and i told you the last time it came up that i'm not having another discussion about it. I've made concession after concession for you and it's never enough. I'll take the burden for this. I'm done. I can't live like this. Don't text me, call me, email me or come by my house.".... I didn't know what to say. I just said "ok". And then he said goodnight and hung up.

And now I'm left completely broken to pieces and thinking about all we've shared and everything we had before us. It didn't mean a damn thing to him. His drink is more important than I ever was.

I don't even know where to begin to start over. I've got a very long, painful path of loneliness and longing and hurt and sadness ahead of me.