Your post is so confusing, but then so is this disease. It seems as if you almost want us to tell you to go ahead, drink and use. Get really bad off! Lose everything...just as long as you get a few more drunken days out of it. I can't tell you how down you have to be, how sick, how sorry you must become to want to stop. Most of us finally stops because we've made such a mess of our lives that we have no other choice. Is there one single person on this website who I is happy that they got to drink longer than they should have? I doubt it.
If you can do it, stop now, before your health or the things that you love are taken from you.