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How can I want sobriety? I want to want it, if that makes any sense...

Old 10-27-2013, 09:45 PM
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How can I want sobriety? I want to want it, if that makes any sense...

For those of you that haven't seen my recent posts, I am without a doubt an addict/alcoholic. My behavior is certainly abnormal and I am in no denial about that, 90% of the time...

I've had my run in with rehab and 12 step programs before, so I have a small glimpse of hope after seeing what is on the other side, and I have a small bit of wisdom to go along with it. For the most part I am capable of recognizing this self destructive behavior along with my addictive thought processes.

However, at the current moment, I just don't feel desperate enough for recovery. Does recovery require desperation? Does it require a severe bottom? I am unsure. It may be necessary for me, sadly. In my current state, my only desire to seek help comes from the idea that I have pissed away my family's money and I no longer want to be a burden on them.

Would it be possible for me to detox and then enter a 12 step program, all the while being on the fence? Can I find a genuine desire to stop drinking and work a program of recovery? Right now the desire is not really there, but I'm just wondering if it's possible for it to come with time, without having to ride this thing into the depths of hell?

As much as I hate to say it, I am, for the most part, content with my drinking. It keeps me "comfortably numb." I know what the right thing to do is. I know what the wrong thing is. I know what the right thing to live for is, but sometimes I just love to do what's wrong. Occasionally I get the feeling, "I'm not about this life, I want something more, I want to live for what I know is righteous, and pure- I can't do that when my life is ruled by such an obsession..." but the thought is a fleeting one. I then find myself pouring another drink and indulging in the pleasures of this world.

I want the desire to quit drinking, and not only that, work towards a meaningful recovery... the question is though, how can I find it? Is this something I have to have before entering AA or is it something I can gain there?

Perhaps what sickens me the most is the fact that I have not had a hard life at all. I have no reason to have such an issue. Sure, I was once an angsty teen but as I've grown I've realized that I have no reason to drink so much damn alcohol or use drugs. I should be happy sober. I just find drinking and using to be so damn easy. I know this is selfish behavior, but the obsession is something I cannot seem to kick
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:11 PM
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Hi underoath, My resolve was certainly strengthened after going thru de-tox. Certainly worth a try. Maybe it will help you. Try it.
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Old 10-28-2013, 03:56 AM
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I was not desperate when I quit, but I did want the things that come with sobriety enough to be motivated to quit and stay quit. What is the longest stretch of sobriety for you?
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Old 10-28-2013, 04:28 AM
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I wanted to quit for a very long time. I could easily afford it. I had (still have) a great career. Married. Own my own home. No reason to drink or abuse drugs whatsoever. How did I become an alcoholic? ------>I enjoyed it, and I had every excuse necessary to keep on drinking. Unfortunately I waited until my body started to shut down and now I don't really have the choice. The question I keep asking myself "Why didn't I quit while I was ahead?" I'm very new to sobriety and recovery, so I'm still learning (albeit the hard way).
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Old 10-28-2013, 04:55 AM
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Everyone has a different journey.

Maybe you haven't hit bottom yet, or, maybe you haven't faced the reality of what your life is becoming? Pissing away your family's money as you put it is pretty serious....perhaps because you are still drinking you can't see it yet.

Not sure, but it's easy to be tricked into thinking drinking is not so bad when you are still drinking....you are feeding the beast.

It wasn't until I was at least a month sober that all the horror of what I'd done in the name of feeding my need for alcohol had really done to my life. I am still uncovering it. It's not possible to assess the damage whilst still drinking though, mate.

I hope you find a way.
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Old 10-28-2013, 05:00 AM
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I think rthere a very big leap between knowing we should quit and accepting we should quit.

I was still looking for a way to drink and not have the bad stuff happen right up until my last drink.

If not for the fact that last drink nearly killed me, I might still be looking for a way to have my cake and eat it too...who knows?

All I can say is I look back now at all the risks I took and the years I wasted and I wish I'd done this years earlier - it's a common refrain.

Drink on and things will get worse - have no doubt. It;s a choice between quitting now when you want to and coming out relatively unscathed...or quitting later when you have to, and maybe losing everything...

some people never get the chance to make that choice and quit, UQ.

This stuff kills - it can be the difference of an instant - a bad decision, a drink too far, an organ failing...

I've lost some good friends.

I wish I could convey this too you in a more effective manner, but that's all I got.

D
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Old 10-28-2013, 05:24 AM
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After reading Dee's post and being new here I can't help to add more to my previous post and story. I have quit because I took it too far, luckily not far enough to kill me. But far enough that life for me will never ever be the same. I saw the warning signs, I knew I had a problem. I was told of what its like to have you're stomach pumped. I was told of the blackouts. I was told stories of people having seizures from drinking. I have seen the effects and toll it has taken on others and their families etc.

But I'm different. I'm not like the others. I can handle it. I'm in control.

How wrong I was. How very wrong I was. I'm paying the price now, and having to face reality for the first time in over ten years. At 36, I take more medications then most people in their golden years and get 100% of my nutrition through a tube. Nerve damage created from binge drinking.

The more time I have to sit and think about things, the more I wish I could help others see first hand, the damage alcohol can dish out to the body. Also gives me more time to regret the decisions I made over 10 years ago.

P.S. please forgive my rant, andI hope this doesn't come across the wrong way.
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Old 10-28-2013, 05:55 AM
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Hi Underoath, everyone has their own motivation to quit. For some it's the approach of certain death, others because a spouse leaves them, and as many other reasons as there are people. Many people don't have to hit a horrible bottom to be motivated to quit. I didn't.
I knew I should stop for a long time before I did, but the only victim of my drinking was me so I needed to find my own reasons. Here are some:
1. My doctor made it plain I should stop
2. I was putting on weight
3. I was beginning to prefer staying home and drinking to a social life
4. I knew there would be health consequences

I spent a lot of time googling alcoholism, the stages and side effects. That was pretty scary because it was like a window into my future. I suggest that if you want motivation look it up and believeit applies to you. I worked out I was between Stages 1 and 2 of the progression and it wash't going backwards. That was a powerful incentive to stop right there.

Everyone's different but I hope some of this resonates with you.
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Old 10-28-2013, 05:58 AM
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You want to be sober but your addiction wants you to keep on doing what you are doing. You might benefit from reading about rational recovery and the addictive voice (AV) because your post is pure AV.

When you are tired of letting your addiction rule your life, maybe you'll be committed to quitting.
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
I spent a lot of time googling alcoholism, the stages and side effects. That was pretty scary because it was like a window into my future. I suggest that if you want motivation look it up and believeit applies to you. I worked out I was between Stages 1 and 2 of the progression and it wash't going backwards. That was a powerful incentive to stop right there.

Everyone's different but I hope some of this resonates with you.

Progression doesn't go backwards for sure, but on the positive side many damages we inflicted do stop and can get better with time. To me that would be worth it.

BE WELL
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Old 10-28-2013, 02:24 PM
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There's two things going through my head right now- really my only two real options regarding my current situation... I can either withdrawal from my classes with no penalty right now, and probably won't get help for my addiction; or I can take a medical withdrawal, which will hold me accountable and require I attend some sort of treatment in order to come back to school.

A part of me keeps saying just drop out and I'll get help later, but I know that's ********. The other half of me just thinks about how ****** it's going to be not drinking. I can't imagine a life without alcohol. The only way I can find myself realistically going through detox is if I take the medical withdrawal, but it's hard for me to make that decision. I keep saying I will just withdrawal and detox later, but I know that probably won't happen on my own accord.
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Old 10-28-2013, 02:36 PM
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When drinking, none of us could imagine a life without alcohol.

My drinking defined me. I thought I'd be dull and boring without it.

I always imagined a sober life would be a cold lonely existence, devoid of joy and full of sacrifice and self denial.

Nothing could be further from the truth

D
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Old 10-29-2013, 02:49 AM
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Don't know about desperation. It might help. Me, I was simply hopeless, I did not believe it was possible to recover. I only know my sobriety date because someone else told me. I have found, in the meantime, that the essentials for recovery are honesty, openmindedness and willigness. These are indispensible.
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Old 10-29-2013, 04:12 AM
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For me there was a lot of detox visits, not my will but my family's will. I wasn't ready to stop. Even finding out my liver enzymes were abnormal. Still wasn't stopping me. Waking up in ER's; one time I had so my alcohol in my system that the ER doctor told me there was a chance I wasn't going to make it. Apparently my heart stopped for a while.
Toward the end of my drinking I wanted to die, because the anxiety was killing me. I was getting so sick that even shaking to try to get liquor into me wasn't doing it.
I got to the point where I couldn't drink anymore, was sober enough to realize that I'm going to die or end up in prison.
Shortly after, a young kid (18 I believe) was driving drunk down a street near me, struck a police officer, didn't stop. Hit and run. Was caught about 6 miles away. The officer died. His family buried him on Memorial Day. He had a little boy.
I remember driving by the funeral. Officers and firefighters from everywhere.
I look back asking is it worth it for me and my pathetic stupid drunk binges worth affecting so many people, because I was heading down that road.
Once you take care of yourself, reach out for help, realize it's not too late you can change your life. Once your sober for a while you turn your focus from yourself into a life a serving others and you experience joy that no substance can ever bring.
That's just been my experience.
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Old 10-29-2013, 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by underoath View Post
For the most part I am capable of recognizing this self destructive behavior along with my addictive thought processes. . .

However, at the current moment, I just don't feel desperate enough for recovery. . . . In my current state, my only desire to seek help comes from the idea that I have pissed away my family's money and I no longer want to be a burden on them.

. . . Can I find a genuine desire to stop drinking and work a program of recovery? Right now the desire is not really there, but I'm just wondering if it's possible for it to come with time, without having to ride this thing into the depths of hell?

As much as I hate to say it, I am, for the most part, content with my drinking. It keeps me "comfortably numb." I know what the right thing to do is. I know what the wrong thing is. I know what the right thing to live for is, but sometimes I just love to do what's wrong. Occasionally I get the feeling, "I'm not about this life, I want something more, I want to live for what I know is righteous, and pure- I can't do that when my life is ruled by such an obsession..." but the thought is a fleeting one. I then find myself pouring another drink and indulging in the pleasures of this world.

I want the desire to quit drinking, and not only that, work towards a meaningful recovery...
Perhaps what sickens me the most is the fact that I have not had a hard life at all. I have no reason to have such an issue. Sure, I was once an angsty teen but as I've grown I've realized that I have no reason to drink so much damn alcohol or use drugs. I should be happy sober. I just find drinking and using to be so damn easy. I know this is selfish behavior, but the obsession is something I cannot seem to kick
I cut and pasted some of this message because if you reread it, it sounds as though you want something that is abstract "a meaningful life" but are drawn to concrete physical expression "the pleasures of this world".

It seems as though it might be helpful to come up with a plan that makes your abstract ideals happen in the real world. The obvious thing that comes to mind is a career or volunteer situation that involves caring about other people or things outside of your drinking. If things have been / are easy for you in terms of money and free time, maybe spend more of both of these on others and in that way you can begin to connect your daily physical life of on this planet with connections and meaning with other beings instead of with drink, drugs, and partying. I don't mean this as any type of judgement, just an objective observation. You obviously are aware and uncomfortable that your "easy" life is not fulfilling. Focusing outside of yourself is a good way to find connection and joy in life. Good luck!
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Old 10-29-2013, 08:07 AM
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It is true that you have to want it. You have to want it more than anything. As of how to get there exactly I don't know. We are all different. I know for me I woke up one day went to work with a typical hangover. Something in me just said enough is enough. I immediately contacted a local licensed therapist. I also stumbled upon this wonderfu site. This site has helped me tremendously. Read and eat up all you can here. Check out AVRT in the secular section. Subscribe to the daily 24 hr thread. Once you get a few sober days going you will see and feel so much better you'll want to keep at it. Best of luck!
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Old 10-29-2013, 08:15 AM
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To be honest I never wanted to quit. If I could have carried on drinking without the anxiety, insomnia, regrets, shame, damage to my oesophagus, throwing up, probable marriage break up etc etc...well I'm positive I would still be doing it.

I just reached that point when I didn't want to waste one more weekend curled up in pain and hungover.

To stop all those negatives the only option was to quit completely. I thought it was a bit drastic, but I couldn't moderate so there it was. To continue or quit completely.

Really pleased I chose the latter. You will be too.
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Old 10-29-2013, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
To be honest I never wanted to quit. If I could have carried on drinking without the anxiety, insomnia, regrets, shame, damage to my oesophagus, throwing up, etc etc...well I'm positive I would still be doing it.

I just reached that point when I didn't want to waste one more weekend curled up in pain and hungover.

To stop all those negatives the only option was to quit completely. I thought it was a bit drastic, but I couldn't moderate so there it was. To continue or quit completely.

.
Lots of good posts on this thread.


I too have had a pretty good life and in the beginning I never drank to self medicate...I did it for fun and to be social.

And believe me, if I could drink and not be hungover, get anxiety, get high blood pressure, etc. I would be drinking this minute.

At 93 days sober I feel so great physically and mentally; I sometimes wonder if I could handle going out and having a few drinks. But I know I won't stop and the whole cycle will start again.

Out of the last 25 years the longest I ever went without a drink was 12 days; and that was because I was on presciption pain killers from oral surgery. This 93 days sober is a whole new feeling for me.

I just wish I could get over thinking about how great it would be to have a drink. I know it would suck if I did - it is as if I need to test myself.
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:34 AM
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I can so understand what you mean if I understood what you meant.
That state of mind is the complexity and the difficulty of addiction. Some say it feels like you have two personalities... at your core, you REALLY want to stop drinking and get on with your life... on the other side is the urge or powerful desire to continue drinking, with doubts included whether it really is worth it, life without alcohol.

In fact, if I understood you correctly, that same issue you're thinking right now is the reason why it took me so long to finally get sober. For me there was pretty much no other way for that but to stay sober,a day at a time, and with time it got easier and easier (with some random stronger crave episodes here and there(in the beginning)).

What I can say for sure is that you won't regret getting sober. I haven't regretted it one bit... But so that wanting to want to quit is the confusing stumbling block of alcohol addiction (imo). Instead of focusing on that question... and not forcing yourself into a new state of mind with that, I'd say just try to learn to live in a relaxed manner and don't worry about wanting to want, or the craves... The craving is a sign of addiction and also it is a sign of healing.

Good luck on your sobriety today.
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:02 AM
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Your post is so confusing, but then so is this disease. It seems as if you almost want us to tell you to go ahead, drink and use. Get really bad off! Lose everything...just as long as you get a few more drunken days out of it. I can't tell you how down you have to be, how sick, how sorry you must become to want to stop. Most of us finally stops because we've made such a mess of our lives that we have no other choice. Is there one single person on this website who I is happy that they got to drink longer than they should have? I doubt it.

If you can do it, stop now, before your health or the things that you love are taken from you.
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