EmmyG

I read an old thread last night, and the poster wrote down the truth about her life and the reality as opposed to the lies she had been telling herself. I don't care if anyone even reads this, I'm going to write down the truth so that I can read it back to myself. I posted last night that my husband is moving out. He is going this weekend. He says he can't live with my oppression anymore.

I have been clinging to a lie for SO long. I tell myself he's a good person deep down and that he loves us. He treated me to a haircut Saturday, and then texted me saying that he needs to start doing more for me because of how hard I work. That is confusing, because a couple of days later, I'm a worthless, horrible person. He can be loving and sweet when he wants to be. The next minute, he's calling me a horrible name and telling me how miserable I make him.

The reality is, every day I get up early and bathe/feed our kids, get them ready for school. Every night I make dinner, get them ready for bed, read to them, and prepare everything for the next day (as any mother should). He never helps, doesn't lift a finger. He can't drive right now because of the DUI, so he can't help in that way. The first day of kindergarten, I was so excited for our son. I thought we could go as a family, and maybe take him for pancakes before school. My husband was too tired from work to get out of bed and go with us. He was also too tired the day of our son's best friend's birthday to go to the party with us. When I told him I was upset that he wasn't going, he screamed and told me to get the F out.

When I was pregnant with our 2-year-old, I had an ultrasound scheduled and he was supposed to go with me. He drank the night before, so when I went to wake him up to go with me, he screamed and called me names. I went alone and got the news that we were having a boy instead of a girl. A few nights later, he went out and got so completely drunk. He came home and woke me and our son up. I tried to move our son into another room and he jumped out of the bed, smacked me in the face, and grabbed my throat. My cousin was visiting and called 911. When the police were there, I gathered my stuff and left. As I walked past him, he made that sign where you drag your finger across your throat, like "you're dead."

I ruptured a disc in my back during that pregnancy and was in so much pain on the couch that I couldn't move. He told me I was being dramatic. He left for work out of town and I ended up calling my mom to come over because I couldn't get up. She came and took me to the ER, and I ended up having emergency surgery. The doctor said I would have been paralyzed if I'd waited any longer. I was so scared and worried for the baby, even though the doctors assured me that he was safe. My husband didn't rush home to be with me, he came to the hospital when he got home two days later. He also called me at the hospital from home screaming because he couldn't find something.

A few months ago, his parents visited and he wanted to take them to a horse race. I'd never been, and didn't realize what it would be like. It was a horrible place to take the kids. My mother-in-law and I just tried to walk them around and keep them occupied. I was walking by the stands when I saw my husband walking down from the bar with two beers, one for him and one for his father. When I confronted him, he screamed at me in front of strangers and said he hated me, that it was a non-alcoholic beer, and that I should F off. He also said "I'll f--king kill you, you c--t." Later that night, he laughed when I brought up what he'd said, and said I'm dramatic and of course he didn't mean that.

We went to the DMV to pay registration on one of our cars, and there was a parking ticket from me on it. We walked outside and he started screaming at the top of his lungs, so that people saw, and then he threw the car into park and got out and started walking down the road, leaving me in the passenger seat.

Besides the hair pulling the other night, he also slapped me twice while drunk, both times while I was pregnant. The other night when I confronted him about being drunk, he screamed at me to get out of the bedroom and threw his pizza at me so that it hit the wall next to my head. He shoved me onto the floor during an argument last year, and still laughs about how I overreacted and how silly I was to exaggerate the way I fell.

I am still close to my immediate family, but I'm completely isolated from the rest of them. I never go to any family gatherings because I'm afraid to leave him home and the trouble he'll get in. He won't go to any with me because there's tension due to his past drunken behavior. Like our wedding reception. My parents spent a bunch of money to rent a room at a nice restaurant. He got super drunk and left me there to go out on the town and do cocaine. I spent that night crying, pregnant, with my sister in the hotel room.

I've been called every horrible name you can think of. Names I thought I would never let anyone call me.

I'm ashamed that I'm married to a person like this. I didn't know who he was when we got married. We married too quickly, and he was not who I thought he was.

I'm scared to be a single mom, and I'm sad that my dream of a happy family is dying. BUT...I have two boys who are cutest, sweetest, funniest little guys you've ever seen. I am very happy at my new job, and I just got a wonderful email from my boss telling me how much they love having me here. I have the greatest sister on earth, who is my best friend and will be there for me through this. I have supportive parents. I have some old friends I want to reconnect with. I even have supportive in-laws. I will get through this. I'm only 31. I want to be proud of myself again. He is a monster. He doesn't love me. This isn't love. I feel like a terrible mother for letting this go on so long. I completely lost sight of who I was. I used to be so laidback and fun. I want to be that person again. I'm so glad I went back to work and got some confidence back. I should have done this a long time ago. I'll be okay.

Thanks for listening. I have taken so much from this board, and I feel guilty that I haven't given more back to it so far. I've been so caught up in my own hell. Thanks for your kindness.