Writing down the truth so that I can face it.

Old 10-30-2013, 09:34 AM
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Writing down the truth so that I can face it.

I read an old thread last night, and the poster wrote down the truth about her life and the reality as opposed to the lies she had been telling herself. I don't care if anyone even reads this, I'm going to write down the truth so that I can read it back to myself. I posted last night that my husband is moving out. He is going this weekend. He says he can't live with my oppression anymore.

I have been clinging to a lie for SO long. I tell myself he's a good person deep down and that he loves us. He treated me to a haircut Saturday, and then texted me saying that he needs to start doing more for me because of how hard I work. That is confusing, because a couple of days later, I'm a worthless, horrible person. He can be loving and sweet when he wants to be. The next minute, he's calling me a horrible name and telling me how miserable I make him.

The reality is, every day I get up early and bathe/feed our kids, get them ready for school. Every night I make dinner, get them ready for bed, read to them, and prepare everything for the next day (as any mother should). He never helps, doesn't lift a finger. He can't drive right now because of the DUI, so he can't help in that way. The first day of kindergarten, I was so excited for our son. I thought we could go as a family, and maybe take him for pancakes before school. My husband was too tired from work to get out of bed and go with us. He was also too tired the day of our son's best friend's birthday to go to the party with us. When I told him I was upset that he wasn't going, he screamed and told me to get the F out.

When I was pregnant with our 2-year-old, I had an ultrasound scheduled and he was supposed to go with me. He drank the night before, so when I went to wake him up to go with me, he screamed and called me names. I went alone and got the news that we were having a boy instead of a girl. A few nights later, he went out and got so completely drunk. He came home and woke me and our son up. I tried to move our son into another room and he jumped out of the bed, smacked me in the face, and grabbed my throat. My cousin was visiting and called 911. When the police were there, I gathered my stuff and left. As I walked past him, he made that sign where you drag your finger across your throat, like "you're dead."

I ruptured a disc in my back during that pregnancy and was in so much pain on the couch that I couldn't move. He told me I was being dramatic. He left for work out of town and I ended up calling my mom to come over because I couldn't get up. She came and took me to the ER, and I ended up having emergency surgery. The doctor said I would have been paralyzed if I'd waited any longer. I was so scared and worried for the baby, even though the doctors assured me that he was safe. My husband didn't rush home to be with me, he came to the hospital when he got home two days later. He also called me at the hospital from home screaming because he couldn't find something.

A few months ago, his parents visited and he wanted to take them to a horse race. I'd never been, and didn't realize what it would be like. It was a horrible place to take the kids. My mother-in-law and I just tried to walk them around and keep them occupied. I was walking by the stands when I saw my husband walking down from the bar with two beers, one for him and one for his father. When I confronted him, he screamed at me in front of strangers and said he hated me, that it was a non-alcoholic beer, and that I should F off. He also said "I'll f--king kill you, you c--t." Later that night, he laughed when I brought up what he'd said, and said I'm dramatic and of course he didn't mean that.

We went to the DMV to pay registration on one of our cars, and there was a parking ticket from me on it. We walked outside and he started screaming at the top of his lungs, so that people saw, and then he threw the car into park and got out and started walking down the road, leaving me in the passenger seat.

Besides the hair pulling the other night, he also slapped me twice while drunk, both times while I was pregnant. The other night when I confronted him about being drunk, he screamed at me to get out of the bedroom and threw his pizza at me so that it hit the wall next to my head. He shoved me onto the floor during an argument last year, and still laughs about how I overreacted and how silly I was to exaggerate the way I fell.

I am still close to my immediate family, but I'm completely isolated from the rest of them. I never go to any family gatherings because I'm afraid to leave him home and the trouble he'll get in. He won't go to any with me because there's tension due to his past drunken behavior. Like our wedding reception. My parents spent a bunch of money to rent a room at a nice restaurant. He got super drunk and left me there to go out on the town and do cocaine. I spent that night crying, pregnant, with my sister in the hotel room.

I've been called every horrible name you can think of. Names I thought I would never let anyone call me.

I'm ashamed that I'm married to a person like this. I didn't know who he was when we got married. We married too quickly, and he was not who I thought he was.

I'm scared to be a single mom, and I'm sad that my dream of a happy family is dying. BUT...I have two boys who are cutest, sweetest, funniest little guys you've ever seen. I am very happy at my new job, and I just got a wonderful email from my boss telling me how much they love having me here. I have the greatest sister on earth, who is my best friend and will be there for me through this. I have supportive parents. I have some old friends I want to reconnect with. I even have supportive in-laws. I will get through this. I'm only 31. I want to be proud of myself again. He is a monster. He doesn't love me. This isn't love. I feel like a terrible mother for letting this go on so long. I completely lost sight of who I was. I used to be so laidback and fun. I want to be that person again. I'm so glad I went back to work and got some confidence back. I should have done this a long time ago. I'll be okay.

Thanks for listening. I have taken so much from this board, and I feel guilty that I haven't given more back to it so far. I've been so caught up in my own hell. Thanks for your kindness.
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:45 AM
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ooh honey, dont be afraid of singlehood mom...i am one, i am a widow of 11 years, coming up 12 in March...

my son is 12 and daughter is 11...you do the math...
i was lost for the 1st few years of my husbands death...but i had these beauties to think about...and life went on without him, and i did it as NORMAL without him as i can...

Jon was 10 months old and i was pregnant with my daughter....yes, i am single...but i am here, living my journay as best as i can...

give yourself some time and be patient with yourself...
do you have support? time to let the secrets out what is happening in your marriage...

a 12 step program will help...try it...

remember: you are WORTHY and VALUED....
~hugs
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:47 AM
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Wow, you were pregnant! That's amazing. You are strong. I want to be that strong. You know what? I think a lot about abused children. I recently applied to be a court appointed advocate. I am abusing my own children by having them in this environment, aren't I? That's the truth.
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:51 AM
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BIG GIANT HUGS to you! I'm going through a breakup now that hasn't turned ugly...yet. Stay strong and be excited about what the future holds. I can't wait to get there!

No human being deserves to be treated like that. Stay safe and strong!!
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by EmmyG View Post
Wow, you were pregnant! That's amazing. You are strong. I want to be that strong. You know what? I think a lot about abused children. I recently applied to be a court appointed advocate. I am abusing my own children by having them in this environment, aren't I? That's the truth.
The kids are being abused by being in that environment just like you are. You are obviously a wonderful mother and amazing person. He is being awful to you not only physically but mentally as well. Your children will pick up on that behavior and will accept that is what life is like and have that in their own lives. There are shelters and people who will help you, reach out. You are not alone and you most certainly do not have to stand for another second of this abuse.
Prayers and Blessings to you. Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:55 AM
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ur right on...

we all can do it...strength comes within...i look at my kids and laugh my silly head off, knowing my husband hears all the laughter in HIS HOME that he grew up in...this is what HE WANTED...(his parents are the A, and still active drinkers as of today)...I knew my husband knew deep down of the alcohlics of parents...NOW, he can hear all the laughter of all of my kids and their friends...i feel even though i never gave birth to their friends...its so comforting...

u have support...good, i had my parents...i wanted NOTHING to do with the in laws if they continued drinking...
my kids are healthy and well a where of the what alcohol does to ones MIND,BODY and SPIRIT...

have a little faith...it does the mind good!
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:56 AM
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((EmmyG))

prayers of strength, courage and wisdom for you to always know YOU are worthy of a safe, saner and better way of life ~

Please consider seeking help thru all avenues women's shelters, an attorney, safe members of your family and local law enforcement ~ all resources available to you to help you live happy joyous and free without ever having to go thru these types of experiences again ~

You are worth it & you deserve it

PINK HUGS
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:57 AM
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^^^ thanks Ms PINK LADY!! xxoo
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:44 AM
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Thank you for sharing your story Emmy and I agree with everyone else. You are a wonderful person and mother and deserve a wonderful life. I'm so glad you are going to get that for yourself. It is your husband's great loss that he doesn't understand what a treasure he had in you. Take care and be safe.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:42 AM
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Emmy, I don't know that you have anything to fear about being a single mother, as it sounds like that is exactly what you've been doing all along anyway...

It will likely be easier w/o the negative energy of your AH, not harder!

Keep coming back here, stay strong. You'll start to see your path more clearly and you'll start to realize you have the strength to follow it. You've been pulling way more than your own weight all along; you'll be OK on your own.
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Old 10-30-2013, 12:59 PM
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EmmyG

You don't deserve to be treated as you have by your husband--no one should ever be abused. Please know that there are resources available for you. You asked about making a plan, and I think that's a great idea. He may leave you, as you have said, but even if he does not, you get to decide what you want to do.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

I'm sharing this link because there is a lot of great information here about what abuse actually is, how to make a plan, and contact phone numbers for Domestic Violence counselors.

Sending hugs! You deserve so much better treatment!! I'm rooting for you!
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:10 PM
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I don't know what kind of resources you have in your community, but in my community there is free legal help and all kinds of help for women who've experienced DV. Please look into what's available to you. I'm so glad that you are lifting the facade and revealing the ugly truth. It's the only way to the beauty that awaits you.

Love and hugs,
LI
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:12 PM
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Sounds like you may be more afraid of the death of a past dream than fear of a future without him.

But as you astutely pointed out, now that you write it out, it's clear that you were not living a dream, were you? You can't wish away the abuse, or deny it.

Venturing into the unknown as a single parent is scary, but once you know your own power, that transition period should be really short!
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:27 PM
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I'm not even worried about the financial aspects or being alone. I'm mostly worried about what happens to him now. I don't want my kids to lose their daddy. They adore him. I'm afraid they won't understand. I'm also afraid he'll end up dead and they'll have no father, which seems worse than what we have now. I'm sure this feeling will pass if I just get through it.
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:36 PM
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Honey it is time to worry about you and your kids. He clearly is not worried about you at all. If you keep catching him when he falls and letting him get away with ABUSE, and that is what this is, don't forget it, ABUSE, then what ever breaks the chain? When you die? Behavior like this will escalate and eventually he will not only abuse you but your children also. It is not safe. Remember that each time you start having those codependent thoughts. He has to want recovery. His choices are his.

Stay Safe.
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:40 PM
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You're completely right. That's why I've written all of this down. I've re-read it at least ten times today. I also called my sister today and told her my plan, so that she can help me stick to it. I know how crazy it all sounds, but looking at it in black-and-white is helping. The other day, she told me about how her friend was attacked by her estranged husband, and all of the craziness, and it hit me how insane it is that she's trying to make it work with him...which led me to thinking about how insane it is that I've been doing the same.
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:41 PM
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Emmy,

I read your story and it sounds like my story although my husband hasn't hit me but all the other stuff is just the same.

We are single mothers even though married. Our AH/addict husbands aren't around and aren't helping. It is actually worse when my husband is around because he yells at the kids or he is inconsistent, giving them mixed messages. My two children love their father too but I am getting to the point that I have to protect them and myself from his craziness. I think you may be at that point too.

You can do it. My husband's mother and father were both abusive alcoholic/addicts when he was younger. I see the damage to him that they both did. It doesn't excuse what he is doing now, but I want my children to have a fighting chance at not continuing this cycle.

Your children can see their father but he isn't good for them, nor for you. To be screamed at and threatened in public? To have him swipe his finger across his throat in a threatening gesture WHILE THE POLICE ARE THERE?! He sounds very dangerous. You have supportive family. You deserve better and your children deserve better than to see their mother belittled in public. Hugs!!!
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:44 PM
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I'm also afraid he'll end up dead and they'll have no father,
Emmy....as gently as I can......lets try to make sure they have a mother and a healthy, happy mother into the bargain.

Wishing you well
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:48 PM
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I believe you have very good grounds to file for an order of protection. I am truly afraid for you. I agree, keep putting it in black and white and share with those you trust (not just on here but face to face). You need people who support you. You also need people who can help you get yourself and your children away from him if need be. I agree that his behavior is very scary. Please please keep your eyes open to this and recognize it for what it is, Abuse. Almost all communities have resources for people in your situation. Many of those resources are free. Please please reach out.

I hope I do not come across as nagging at you, I truly care and truly want you and your kiddos to stay safe.

God Bless!
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:54 PM
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Your children will be fine. My mother kicked my alcoholic father out when I was 12.. bad time to lose a dad, and I did love him, but it was the best thing that ever happened. I had the best high school life ever, not being afraid of having friends over, or the unpredictability of "is he drinking or not??" I thank my mother every day (in my prayers as she's no longer aliver) for that courageous decision.

One of the most useful pieces of advice I ever got was "detach yourself from the results." In other words, do what you have to do, move forward, and don't think about the "what if's." If you do the right thing, all will work out.
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