NYcowboyfan

For the longest time I did not think of myself as an alcoholic because I don't need to drink every day, or even every week. I usually can stop myself after 2 or 3 beers, but when I don't, I can be completely reckless. I started binge drinking very early, around 12 years old. Had my first blackout when I was 15 in Cancun, Mexico. My only recollection is riding in a golf cart with a couple of hotel employees before waking up covered in my own vomit. When I was 17 I crashed my car into a rock wall and was arrested for a DUI. I'd say I drove drunk 5 out of 7 nights a week that summer. It was a wake-up call and up until a couple days ago, I believed that that incident saved my life. I vowed never to drive drunk again. I excelled in putting myself in situations in which I would not be forced to make the decision to drive after a night of drinking. I went to college and the blackouts continued. But this was college; it was fun and everyone was doing it, so who cares? I was drinking almost daily my senior year, and I remember one day having to run home to grab a beer between classes, because being completely sober was making me sick. After graduating I cut back my drinking to 2 or 3 days a week. I also got better at managing how much I drank at one time and I rarely blacked out. The problem is, every now and then I'd still lose control. I'd do something or say something embarrassing, pick a fight, get thrown out of a bar. I'd question whether or not I should stop drinking, but I never would.

This past Saturday was homecoming at my alma mater. I drove down to meet friends with the plan to leave my car overnight and crash at a friend's house, then drive home in the morning. We over drank, and I blacked out. I woke up frantically in my own bed, with no recollection of how I got home. I went outside, where my car was parked with one tire on the sidewalk, the driver's side dented and scratched from wheel to wheel. I had driven my car 30 miles home in a complete blackout with absolutely no recollection of what happened. This after I had vowed never to drive drunk again. This after a good friend of mine wrapped his car around a tree and died after driving drunk almost a year to the date.

I'm terrified. I knew I wasn't always a good drunk, but I never thought I would ever do something like this. Not after everything that's happened. Now, I have no idea what I am capable of when I drink and that's scary. I have never been able to find my limit. Maybe I don't have one. I always need just one more drink to have a good time. It will make everything better. Except it doesn't. I know now that the only thing I can do to save my life is to quit. Otherwise I'm going to end up in jail, or dead. I don't yet know how I am going to handle social situations, but I guess that's just a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there. Right now, it's been 3 days, and I feel good about my decision. I'm lucky to be alive and looking forward to a sober future. Thanks for reading and sorry for writing so much. Best wishes.