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Finally seeing clearly

Old 10-29-2013, 06:58 PM
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Finally seeing clearly

For the longest time I did not think of myself as an alcoholic because I don't need to drink every day, or even every week. I usually can stop myself after 2 or 3 beers, but when I don't, I can be completely reckless. I started binge drinking very early, around 12 years old. Had my first blackout when I was 15 in Cancun, Mexico. My only recollection is riding in a golf cart with a couple of hotel employees before waking up covered in my own vomit. When I was 17 I crashed my car into a rock wall and was arrested for a DUI. I'd say I drove drunk 5 out of 7 nights a week that summer. It was a wake-up call and up until a couple days ago, I believed that that incident saved my life. I vowed never to drive drunk again. I excelled in putting myself in situations in which I would not be forced to make the decision to drive after a night of drinking. I went to college and the blackouts continued. But this was college; it was fun and everyone was doing it, so who cares? I was drinking almost daily my senior year, and I remember one day having to run home to grab a beer between classes, because being completely sober was making me sick. After graduating I cut back my drinking to 2 or 3 days a week. I also got better at managing how much I drank at one time and I rarely blacked out. The problem is, every now and then I'd still lose control. I'd do something or say something embarrassing, pick a fight, get thrown out of a bar. I'd question whether or not I should stop drinking, but I never would.

This past Saturday was homecoming at my alma mater. I drove down to meet friends with the plan to leave my car overnight and crash at a friend's house, then drive home in the morning. We over drank, and I blacked out. I woke up frantically in my own bed, with no recollection of how I got home. I went outside, where my car was parked with one tire on the sidewalk, the driver's side dented and scratched from wheel to wheel. I had driven my car 30 miles home in a complete blackout with absolutely no recollection of what happened. This after I had vowed never to drive drunk again. This after a good friend of mine wrapped his car around a tree and died after driving drunk almost a year to the date.

I'm terrified. I knew I wasn't always a good drunk, but I never thought I would ever do something like this. Not after everything that's happened. Now, I have no idea what I am capable of when I drink and that's scary. I have never been able to find my limit. Maybe I don't have one. I always need just one more drink to have a good time. It will make everything better. Except it doesn't. I know now that the only thing I can do to save my life is to quit. Otherwise I'm going to end up in jail, or dead. I don't yet know how I am going to handle social situations, but I guess that's just a bridge I'll have to cross when I get there. Right now, it's been 3 days, and I feel good about my decision. I'm lucky to be alive and looking forward to a sober future. Thanks for reading and sorry for writing so much. Best wishes.
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:02 PM
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This is a supportive place to check in daily...so glad you are here
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:08 PM
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Welcome, Cowboy fan. My story is very, very similar to yours. I quit after a bad drinking and driving incident two years ago. I started seeing a licensed clinical social worker who specialized in addiction. I also become active in AA. If I can do it anyone can!
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:23 PM
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Welcome to SR Cowboy fan! You'll find plenty of help & encouragement here.

I had to reach that same conclusion. Every time I drank there was a possibility I'd put myself & others in danger. My behavior was unpredictable, so it really wasn't fun or relaxing anymore. The carefree good times I used to have were gone - and they weren't coming back. You've made a great decision - be proud of yourself for owning this problem and doing something to stop a tragedy. (I'm so glad you got home safely.)
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:41 AM
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Welcome to SR, NYcowboyfan! I've had those kinds of mornings...coming to, wondering how you got home, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see you drove, etc. At least you didn't get hurt or hurt anyone else. Time to change before things get worse. They can always get worse.
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Old 10-30-2013, 05:08 AM
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Welcome CBF. This might be a moment in your life to just admit without strings attached, as I had to, that "I can not drink alcohol in safety." Then it's action time like constantly being honest with ourselves about our drinking. There's a lot of help here and places like AA for ideas on long term sobriety. BE WELL
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Old 10-30-2013, 05:22 AM
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You are recognizing that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will always get worse unless and until we stop drinking. I had blackouts too, in the last months of my drinking, and they are so very scary.

I'm really glad you have committed to a life of sobriety.
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Old 10-30-2013, 09:29 AM
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to SR!
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:01 AM
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Hi NYcowboyfan, welcome. We are glad you joined us.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:32 AM
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Welcome ! You are in the right place.

Let this be your bottom, and get into a recovery program ASAP
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Old 10-30-2013, 05:57 PM
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Thank you all for the support. I have a friends birthday/halloween party this weekend that I'm a little anxious about, but I have already let them know that I won't be drinking(without being too specific about my reasons) and didn't get hassled too much for it, so that's good. Looking forward to conquering my first challenge. No turning back now...
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Old 10-30-2013, 06:01 PM
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It feels strange at first, but you'll soon enjoy knowing you're in control & nothing dangerous can happen. All those 'firsts' when we're newly sober are a challenge - holidays, vacations, celebrations - but they can be enjoyed without getting wasted or numb.
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Old 10-30-2013, 06:05 PM
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Wow cowboy fan,
I think you are right in making the decision to quit for good. you can clearly see where it's heading. Social events will sort themselves out, you may find yourself leaving early or find some people who are not drinking or not drinking much. Was amazed when I went to a social function and found that half the people were not drinking. When Iwas drinking I assumed everyone else was.

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Old 10-30-2013, 06:51 PM
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Welcome to SR!
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:08 PM
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I write this to only tell you because I know how stupid this behavior is. And I say what I say with the hopes of getting something (if only one point- do not drink & drive). But, WOW - excuse me for noticing NYCowboy - your post seems about "me" and "I", some more "me" - and what will happen to ME!!! Are there no other people your behavior when experiencing these blackout/drunk episodes that are effected? Where do you drive around drunk all the time with so little disregard for others using the public roadways? Let me know so I can stay the hell away. Sounds like you want to quit only because it's a little unpleasant and you are afraid YOU might get hurt/die. What about the person you injure/kill while driving blackout? Have you considered finding a good taxi service (I used to when I was drunk as a skunk - in my contact list on my cell phone). You seem intelligent (college graduate) - surely a cab would have been cheaper than repairing your damaged car/co-pay, someone's health, or life? Just a thought - welcome to SR.
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:16 PM
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Thank goodness you or others were not hurt. You've made the right choice.
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Old 10-30-2013, 07:32 PM
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I absolutely am very concerned with injuring somebody else by my foolish decision. It actually is the bigger impetus in my desire to quit than my own health. I figured that it went with out saying I am very lucky that nobody else got hurt by my reckless actions. As far as drinking and driving all the time, this incident would be the first time I have driven drunk in 9 years after promising to myself and my family I would never do it again. You are right, it would have been more logical to call a taxi, and if I was at all sober, that is exactly what I would have done. Or called one of my other friends for a ride. Or stayed at a hotel. Or just slept in the backseat of my car. However, I have no recollection of what happened, and what possessed me to be so reckless and drive. That is what scares me--that I know better, that I had other choices, but I did it anyway. I want to quit because my behavior when blacked out is unpredictable, and clearly dangerous to myself and others. I wish I could moderate myself so that I wouldn't get to the blackout stage, but I just can't seem to consistently do it. Eventually, I'm worried that if I keep trying to have "just a few" I will slip up, just like this past weekend, except with a less happy ending. Trust me, the feeling I have is more than "a little unpleasant." I wish I could get drunk as a skunk and be able to trust myself to make the responsible decision, but I'm just not sure it's possible anymore. Thanks for the response and I hope I clarified things for you.
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