Originally Posted by
underoath 
For the most part I am capable of recognizing this self destructive behavior along with my addictive thought processes. . .
However, at the current moment, I just don't feel desperate enough for recovery. . . . In my current state, my only desire to seek help comes from the idea that I have pissed away my family's money and I no longer want to be a burden on them.
. . . Can I find a genuine desire to stop drinking and work a program of recovery? Right now the desire is not really there, but I'm just wondering if it's possible for it to come with time, without having to ride this thing into the depths of hell?
As much as I hate to say it, I am, for the most part, content with my drinking. It keeps me "comfortably numb." I know what the right thing to do is. I know what the wrong thing is. I know what the right thing to live for is, but sometimes I just love to do what's wrong. Occasionally I get the feeling, "I'm not about this life, I want something more, I want to live for what I know is righteous, and pure- I can't do that when my life is ruled by such an obsession..." but the thought is a fleeting one. I then find myself pouring another drink and indulging in the pleasures of this world.
I want the desire to quit drinking, and not only that, work towards a meaningful recovery...
Perhaps what sickens me the most is the fact that I have not had a hard life at all. I have no reason to have such an issue. Sure, I was once an angsty teen but as I've grown I've realized that I have no reason to drink so much damn alcohol or use drugs. I should be happy sober. I just find drinking and using to be so damn easy. I know this is selfish behavior, but the obsession is something I cannot seem to kick
I cut and pasted some of this message because if you reread it, it sounds as though you want something that is abstract "a meaningful life" but are drawn to concrete physical expression "the pleasures of this world".
It seems as though it might be helpful to come up with a plan that makes your abstract ideals happen in the real world. The obvious thing that comes to mind is a career or volunteer situation that involves caring about other people or things outside of your drinking. If things have been / are easy for you in terms of money and free time, maybe spend more of both of these on others and in that way you can begin to connect your daily physical life of on this planet with connections and meaning with other beings instead of with drink, drugs, and partying. I don't mean this as any type of judgement, just an objective observation. You obviously are aware and uncomfortable that your "easy" life is not fulfilling. Focusing outside of yourself is a good way to find connection and joy in life. Good luck!