Originally Posted by
Aeryn 
On the second part I also agree I would rather go through a period of feeling not so great then feel nothing on autopilot like I used to do - you can't feel good if you don't feel bad sometimes.
However I was wondering why you struggle alone father than with the therapist or others? Is this part of the healing I haven't gotten to yet? I was thinking seeking out help is a good thing (goes back to vulnerability) but maybe it's about balance.
I struggle to let myself "feel" when I am alone. The distraction mechanisms kick in, and I seem to continue to return to old, poor coping mechanisms. Is it better then it was, ABSOLUTELY! Is it harder when I am by myself then in the presence of my support (at this point paid support mostly). I have a sneaking suspicion that in part it is about how hard self-care can be for me. I also have found that I get great support in Al-Anon, and in therapy, but I have not quite figured out how to get support in other ways. Again it is better, but I get myself into relationships with others that frankly often trigger the same patterns I was in with my ex. I just need to find some balance right now that is not quite there yet. I feel like I am getting individual puzzle pieces in place, but can not quite see the picture the puzzle is going to make.
I did not mean for it to come across as me beating myself up, because it is not that, it is just the challenging spot that I am in at the moment.
So much of this is old, old patterns for me. Ones in place, not because of trauma necessarily, but because they were in there from such a young age that I don't even know they are there.