underoath

For those of you that haven't seen my recent posts, I am without a doubt an addict/alcoholic. My behavior is certainly abnormal and I am in no denial about that, 90% of the time...

I've had my run in with rehab and 12 step programs before, so I have a small glimpse of hope after seeing what is on the other side, and I have a small bit of wisdom to go along with it. For the most part I am capable of recognizing this self destructive behavior along with my addictive thought processes.

However, at the current moment, I just don't feel desperate enough for recovery. Does recovery require desperation? Does it require a severe bottom? I am unsure. It may be necessary for me, sadly. In my current state, my only desire to seek help comes from the idea that I have pissed away my family's money and I no longer want to be a burden on them.

Would it be possible for me to detox and then enter a 12 step program, all the while being on the fence? Can I find a genuine desire to stop drinking and work a program of recovery? Right now the desire is not really there, but I'm just wondering if it's possible for it to come with time, without having to ride this thing into the depths of hell?

As much as I hate to say it, I am, for the most part, content with my drinking. It keeps me "comfortably numb." I know what the right thing to do is. I know what the wrong thing is. I know what the right thing to live for is, but sometimes I just love to do what's wrong. Occasionally I get the feeling, "I'm not about this life, I want something more, I want to live for what I know is righteous, and pure- I can't do that when my life is ruled by such an obsession..." but the thought is a fleeting one. I then find myself pouring another drink and indulging in the pleasures of this world.

I want the desire to quit drinking, and not only that, work towards a meaningful recovery... the question is though, how can I find it? Is this something I have to have before entering AA or is it something I can gain there?

Perhaps what sickens me the most is the fact that I have not had a hard life at all. I have no reason to have such an issue. Sure, I was once an angsty teen but as I've grown I've realized that I have no reason to drink so much damn alcohol or use drugs. I should be happy sober. I just find drinking and using to be so damn easy. I know this is selfish behavior, but the obsession is something I cannot seem to kick