This video isn't about alcoholism at all - it's about living a healthy authentic life....I no longer have active alcoholism in my life (or any kind of alcoholism actually) so my goal is a healthy authentic life (emotionally, spiritually, physically)...I'm in therapy for me not for my XAH, my NPD mother, nor my A father (now passed).
Codependency from what I understand (this is just based on what I've learned in therapy) is actually a way of numbing real emotions...so emotions don't cause it, codependency is used to suppress real feelings. My therapist explained it like this: codependents are so busy focusing on someone else they don't focus on their own feelings, desires, or vulnerabilities or their real selves. In other words helping someone else and focusing on someone else helps to suppress what is going on with ourselves and our own issues. I personally think "love" and those things we hear drive codependency are not the vulnerable love or joy (which is the kind I want) - they are what others make people think "love" should look like. Real love has to come from mutual vulnerability and active alcoholics are not capable of that (I think they may have been early in the disease but as the disease progresses they are not unless they seek recovery long term). That's why Alanon recommends "detachment" I believe.....not because feelings and vulnerability are "bad". Just my experience.
I left my XAH over a year ago - quite honestly it was the wake up call of my life...I finally am starting to live again. At one time I had planned on staying and living my life "detached" but through a great therapist I realized that was not the way I wanted my one and only life to be. (That's not to say there is anything wrong with staying, it just wasn't for me and didn't work with my life and my self - it took therapy to figure out who I was to get to this point).
My recovery is therapy based - Alanon is something I do on the side as a support for therapy only - my work is on me, and has nothing to do with my XAH (who I am amicable with but that's it- being vulnerable or not has nothing to do with him it's about me...so I guess I'm detached from him but not my own feelings - or that's my goal!). Research states one cannot suppress negative vulnerability without also suppressing positive vulnerability. For me suppressing all of that, well that just sounds like trudging through life on autopilot, getting by in survival mode - i just decided I didn't want that, I wanted to experience it all and if I do have another relationship I want it to be with a real partner capable of the mutual vulnerability needed for the relationship to be authentic for me. My XAH just wasn't enough for me and I wasn't willing to give up me to "detach". I'm not an Alanon but I do think what goes on in therapy at the core is at the base of Alanon (I think it's in the steps).
Based on what I know of Alanon detachment is a temporary solution to get through living with an alcoholic while you work on yourself and make decisions as changes take place. I don't see detachment as a way of life - I personally would be very unhappy going through the rest of my life suppressing my emotions. Suppressing emotions is why I ended up with an alcoholic in the first place, I wanted to be around someone that kept my attention away from me - I got to this point in my life doing that, it didn't work, my new way in my new life is not to ever suppress my real self for anyone or anything again ever. That is part of the reason I don't live with an active alcoholic, in my experience that makes authentic life much more difficult (maybe not impossible but I couldn't imagine having to detach in my home - my sanctuary) and I didn't see it as worth it. (this is all about me though and my path...this is just how it is working for me)
I also don't identify as codependent, I'm an ACON (Adult Child of a Narcissist), ACOA and someone who temporarily fell into codependent patterns while living with an active alcoholic. Now that active alcoholism isn't part of my life I'm free to live authentically as me and choose to be vulnerable and open. And I want to because I'm ready to feel those things I suppressed by being "perfect", "living in disappointment" and "people pleasing" (that included Alanon for me for a while, I wanted to do it "right" so I started out following all the rules to a tee until I realized instead I should find me and follow the path for me which is mine and mine alone).
Anyway that's where I am in my recovery and why I found the video so enlightening.
I wish you strength and hope in your journey. Definitely take what you want and leave the rest (I just figured I'd post my path in case any of it might be useful) - everyone's journey is different.
