I know what you mean Jeni I feel like the different me's are merging a bit more now too. I am allowing myself to think a bit more of myself and what I want now. In some respects I feel like I am more selfish in my sobriety than when I was drinking, but at least I am not making new resentments, or as many at least. And don't worry about the daughter bit for now. It is still early days in some respects and you have come so far already x
I have been having a bit of a headf**k the last few days which has largely passed now but I thought I would mention it anyway. A guy I see quite a lot has been flirting a bit and though I did kinda like him I have been pretty cool about it because I am not sure I am ready to go down that route. Well for a fairly random reason I ended up giving him my number and he has been sending quite sweet but suggestive texts. The thing is that I eventually got out of him that he is actually in a relationship. This kind of thing pisses me off at the best of times but I am annoyed at myself for going along with it for a bit and it has led me down the depressive thought route. Things like I am always gonna be the one on my own and that no one would like me enough to actually want anything other than sex from me. It is not the first time I have been propositioned by a married man put it that way. And to be honest the last 4 years of so all my 'relationships' have been very casual. I dunno, I guess I was hoping to redefine myself on that front. I am not desperate for a relationship or anything but the only people who seem to be interested are people who just see me in my former more promiscuous role. I don't have a problem with my past on that front, I have always been totally upfront and honest and have never slept with anyone I shouldn't, like anyone married (apart from once when I was lied to) but I stopped it because I didn't feel like people were being very respectful. I talked to a few male friends about this and they both basically said 'well what do you expect when you put yourself out there'. I guess the Madonna-***** complex is still alive and kicking.
Well there is nothing to do on this front except try and avoid a certain person, but I have to admit that it left me in a tailspin a bit. I think if anything it has proved that I am too emotionally needy to actually have a normal relationship, and that maybe it is gonna take a bit more celibacy before I get to the point of changing my behaviours. I am afraid that this abstinence isn't going to be a long term one so I will have to face up to it at some point. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
It is not something I have really touched on here because it hasn't been an issue for a long time, apart from one date I went on when I was sober which ended up with three different dates in the same week... That's when I decided not to bother anymore. I wouldn't say I have any sort of sex addiction but it is definitely compulsive behaviour. Just another one of those cross addiction things.
How is everyone else? x