I'm out of my relationship with my XAH (legally separated) so all of my real issues have come to the surface now and I'm working through them in therapy. One of those issues is about vulnerability and a couple of things she said were really eye opening to me (below is just a summary of how I understood a couple points she made):
1. you can't numb out the bad vulnerability without also numbing the good. I was numbing through perfection and striving for image and that combined with having an NPD mother (incapable of love) made me realize I'm not sure I have ever felt true joy or true love...and I want to.
2. Perfection (and codependency IMHO) are used to numb vulnerability and in essence numb out life. Striving to be perfect is not healthy striving for excellence it is putting up a barrier between us and others and making a shield so we "can't" be the vulnerable (the bad kind or the good kind). By focusing on being perfect and helping others we wear a shield against the world and in essence live an inauthentic life. We lose ourselves in the inauthenticity. (sp)
3. I was also struck by what she said about living life in disappointment...if we expect things to be disappointing or go bad we protect ourselves from vulnreability - unfortunately both the good and bad kind. I did this as a survival technique as a kid (NPD mother) and it worked but as an adult it doesn't work and keeps me from authentic living.
4. Finally the one about people trying to be extraordinary and losing vulnerability that way - it is not only ok to be "ordinary" it can be very fulfilling. I love that idea....so while we are lost trying to be "special" (my logic on that is - when everyone is special no one is) we lose vulnerability.
5. Oh one more - one that made me think of SR was she said we numb vulnerability by being "too busy" - too busy to feel, be exposed or be authentic. So business may eventually need it's own 12 step program.
I also was struck by all the numbing - we are the most addicted (in various ways), debt ridden, overweight adult population in history. Thinking of it all in bigger terms of just me as an individual is a bit scary - but I can only work on me so I'll leave it there.