Thanks everyone - the support is quite helpful.
I am an Engineer by background, so I like to try and get to the root cause of problems and fix things. I tend to bump heads with many recovering/ed alcoholics that tell me to just trust things - this is why I am having difficulty with step #3. This is not to say I doubt the efficacy of this method just for me it not as effective.
I am feeling better and writing these words has helped, as well as reading the comments.
I enjoyed drinking and using. If I could do it recreationally I would still be doing it. I never had hangovers - they went away towards the later stages. I had some amazing experiences with celebs, a Prince, and several Sr. Execs at Fortune 500 companies. The money, clubs, bars, women were fun times. What I did not like was that I felt tired all the time and could never sleep. I hated hiding things from my wife. I felt like a zombie - envied for what I had on the outside but dead inside. Its bc of these things and the fear of loosing everything I have worked so hard to build that I chose to stop.
There was no real pain and I think for others at the meeting that are in much worse financial shape or have lost marriages, kids, houses etc they want me to feel their pain. But I don't. I can empathize to the best of my ability but their destruction helps provide strength to me bc the fear of becoming like them is keeping me sober.
I have no idea if this is right or worng but is working. I don't have a strong desire to drink but did last night. I felt like I would show them all and drink myself into a stuper. As I thought about this logic, and talked it through with my wife, I realized it was like being mad at someone and pouring gas on myself to hurt them. Yet, after I light the match the only one that will burn is me.
I hit 60 days this Sunday, so yes early in recovery.
Anyhow, you have all be a tremendous help - thanks.