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1st Bad Meeting

Old 10-24-2013, 05:05 AM
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1st Bad Meeting

So as many of you know I am a proponent of AA. The program has been instrumental to my sobriety and I genuinely enjoy the meetings - I would guess its is to me like church might be to people who go there.

Anyhow, I went to my normal Wed night meeting yesterday and I really like the group. I shared a little more than I usually do - I think this is bc the woman running it who has been away for a few weeks I really like and felt comfortable. There was a new woman there that was continuously crosstalking and made a direct comment to me during my share that I should never talk about my experiences bc I am romancing the drugs and drinking. There were a few others that quickly jumped on the bandwagon. The experience made me feel small and awkward and I don't want to return. I actually thought on my drive home why and I doing this, maybe I should grab a bottle of vodka. I didn't but she triggered me in a big way.

After sleeping and swimming this AM I am still bothered. I think some of it is bc I am worried maybe I am still romancing the experiences as a way to still dance with the devil and the time for me to be sober is not now - this scares me as I know the consequences. The fact others joined really troubles me, as I regret sharing and feel I opened up too much.

There were a few other things that occured yesterday and I am now doubting this whole process.

I think putting these words out there were more for me to vent and get this negativity out of me. Thanks.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:18 AM
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I have no advice about the meeting, but I know for sure that the recovery journey is not a straight line. It sounds like you hit a bump in the road, but you know you can and will carry on.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:25 AM
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Maybe suggest that the group ask that cross talk be avoided when opening the meeting. I used to hate others interjecting when someone else was sharing but now I attend a meeting where this is done a lot and actually enjoy it. I think it depends on how well everyone knows each other and the level of trust and intimacy between group members.

I have also learned to not take things so personally at meetings. Believe me, as an open agnostic I get my share of cold shoulders in AA. But there's many more nice people than judgmental I have found.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:35 AM
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Learning about AVRT helped me to see that there is a 'part' of me that thinks differently about drinking and drugs. I associate all positive feelings about drinking and drugs as coming from this 'part' of me, it's not separate from me the total being, but I try and isolate the thoughts and emotions of this part and deal with it as if it were.
Since it(AV, beast) is a part of me I experience the feelings or emotions. Being cognizant of these emotions or feelings is not the same as acting on them, I am uncomfortable with people who would tell me to ignore things about myself.
Recognizing the 'romancing' aspects is not unhealthy, imo. Acting on them would be though, obviously.
The AV's attitudes toward drinking tend to color the rememberances of those experiences, but thinking through them and recognizing the positive or enjoyable aspects is helpful, I think, in being able to have a better understanding of what addiction is and be better prepared to not fell back into its trap.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:42 AM
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Congrats on choosing to stay sober another day!!
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:44 AM
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I would not let it bother you but I would be honest with myself. I have found when things hurt me that usually there is some truth to them. I would also look at the source. Do the people in question seem to have long-term good sobriety?

This is the kind of thing I would ask my sponsor or at the very least someone that I'm comfortable with the program. I simply am not a good judge of me.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
.......but she triggered me in a big way.

......

For me, hurt feelings = feeling sorry for myself = strongest trigger.
Of the many things I have learned from being sober, trying not to take everything so personally is one of them. And when I do, I try to shake it off, like a dog shakes the water off, take a deep breath, and move on.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:50 AM
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Please just let it go. Trust me no one else there is thinking about it. There will be some insensitive people in AA just like everywhere.

It happens. I have been at meetings where there were fights, people with 28 years sober acting like total a-holes.

We are all on a spiritual journey and we all make mistakes and for all you know they could be regretting what they said realizing later the effect it may have on you or not. But either way it was one experience and it is over and I highly doubt you will have that same experience again. If it does happen again. Just find a different meeting. They should certainly enforce the no Cross talk rule.


Some people who have been around in AA for a very long time seem to forget what it was like in the early days of their sobriety. That they were vulnerable, but AA will also teach you how to have a thicker skin and how to not let anyone or anything steal your peace.

It'll be ok. Just let it go .I hope you will go back.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:59 AM
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thanks for all the advice.

I agree that it has affected me bc I know there is some truth in it. Others were talking about pain from my drinking and drugs. I only used drugs a few dozen times - but it became more often towards the end of my drinking. I drank steadily and the binges became more often towards the end.

I did not loose everythign but I recognize that the disease was progressing. I did not cause much pain around me - this is not denial, I really did not. I have a great career, two kids wife, two dogs, we have all the accoutriments but the only pain was internal - I was dying inside and fear or it all collapsing is what started my sobriety. Plus these people don't know any of this so the judgement seems off.

The woman was not malicious but only sober a couple days - so it is what it is - I am surprised it hurt me though. Or maybe I want it to be an excuse to convieniently break my sobriety? Perhaps I am manufacturing these feels so I can feel better about taking a drink?

Anyhow, seems to have thrown me for a bit of a loop. I didn't drink, felt better after my swim and so goes another day. Meet with my therapist tomorrow and will try to flush it out.

Olive1 - I am the same way. I have a hard time not taking things to heart but am working on this - funny in my job I get arrows shot at me all day long and whne they stick they never hurt as much as some stranger who does not know me commenting at a AA meeting with a bunch of sick people.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:02 AM
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Hi. There are times when my skin is more sensitive than at other moments, also times when I should keep my mouth shut at meetings as it's easy to say insensitive things that we think are OK. I recall the old timers saying we are sick people trying to get better and someone saying we expect the sick to act well. These things take the hated word TIME which I hated because

BE WELL
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
Olive1 - I am the same way. I have a hard time not taking things to heart but am working on this - funny in my job I get arrows shot at me all day long and whne they stick they never hurt as much as some stranger who does not know me commenting at a AA meeting with a bunch of sick people.
Perhaps this is because your sobriety is the most important thing for you.
Just sayin,
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:15 AM
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jdooner:
I've been to a few meetings where I had unpleasant experiences from the person chairing the meeting or someone else in the meeting, but I hung in there and came to realize that people are not perfect and that the main thing is to achieve sobriety. To do that it may be necessary to go to some other meeting for awhile, wait until the person you refer to is not chairing the meeting (or is she always the "head" of the group, "running" the group? If so that doesn't sound too healthy to me and maybe it's part of the problem. AA groups are often different. Some are run better than others).
Anyway, the important thing is not to take a drink. To maintain sobriety. I hope that AA is some help to you with that but if it isn't then you may do better in some other program. My personal experience was that I benefitted the most from a program where I could get the help and companionship of other alcoholics. Counseling or psychiatry was not enough. That happened to be an AA Agnostics group (even though I'm not really an agnostic or atheist)and even with that group there were occasional rough spots. What I learned was to go with the flow and not try to change stuff I couldn't change. To focus on the good stuff and realize that the only important thing for me was to achieve sobriety, to survive, and to take the long road back to being the happy and mature person I couldn't be when I was drinking. I'm happier than I ever was. I can cope with stuff, stress, etc. that I could never have coped with in my drinking days. Am I "mature"? Well you tell me! I don't want to overdo maturity! Reminds me of a friend of mine who got into AA and said that "He had more serenity than he could handle!" But he stuck with it, didn't overdose on serenity and was sober for thirty years. He died of other causes. I've been sober now for only 25. Working on it! Good luck

W.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:29 AM
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jdooner, one thing I am very greatful to read is ya DIDNT run for a a drink. yup, the thought may have come up, but ya didn't act on it!! good on ya!!
im guessin yer pretty early in the recovery process. them thoughts of running for a bottle can come up. I can remember quite a few instances where them thoughts would come up, but thank God I didn't completely destroy my memory and remembered how good that didn't work!

metings like that happen. don't let it stop ya from the help ya want. some day you'll be able to use the experience to help someone else.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:38 AM
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Hi JDoomer, I saw your thread and just couldn't help but add to it. I'm a mom of 2 ADs in therapy. I attend a group called friends and family of addicts, sort of like alanon or narcon, anyway our group is open but usually have about 5 people attend on Tuesday nights. Well this past Tuesday there was 13 people there (I was a bit frightened, you know the judgement thing) anyway, there were 4-5 people talking at once quite a few times. The leader let it happen and sometimes did slow it down. My head was spinning, people were criticizing the newbies, others arguing about methadone vs Suboxone it was crazy. If this happens again, I'll just walk out it too overpowering to Me to have so many people talking at one time, I couldn't listen to everyone, it disturbed me cause I thought I would miss something. One person was crying. Well that's my 2cents worth, I guess these things happen, emotions overwhelm people. It's best to carry on with your sobriety and let this comment from this newly sober woman just roll off your shoulders. Take care, TF
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:46 AM
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There's a reason most rooms don't allow crosstalk. This is it. As much as I like to believe I'm beyond this type of stuff, had your experience happened to me, I'd be pissed too. And there's a good chance it would come haunt me just a wee bit the next morning upon waking up. Rather than kick myself even more by agonizing why I let it get to me, I try to ease up on myself. We're alcoholics, we're sensitive, this is a part of what makes us what we are, and it's ok. To drink over something like that is definitely NOT OK, and you did that part right. Congratulations, and good for you.

When I was in rehab, I had a jerk roomate who had been around AA for a bunch of years before picking up. He knew a lot, I knew nothing, and I therefore respected him to a certain degree. He enjoyed taking my inventory, and told me a bunch of reasons why I wasn't going to stay sober. And he was pretty sure of it. I used the anger he stirred up as fuel. I held onto the things he said for quite a while, took what made sense and eventually got rid of the rest, but used it in my determination to NOT drink. I was determined to prove this guy wrong. I absolutely have.

Thinking back on that now, I have no resent towards that guy at all. He helped me a lot, and though he pissed me off and said things that weren't his business, I do think his intentions were good. I've a feeling the woman at your meeting last night's intentions were also good.

Last note. When I came into the program crosstalk was not only allowed, it was expected. A person qualified, and then responded to everyone else who shared at the meeting. There were certain things about that I actually enjoyed. Surely made for some colorful and interesting meetings.
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Old 10-24-2013, 07:32 AM
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It sounds like what they did was inappropriate at best, but just remember that everyone makes mistakes and they are all in recovery just like you. Don't take it personally and definitely don't let it stop you from going to meetings!

It is awesome that you resisted the urge to pick up. Congratulations!

Sharing a meetings can make you feel very vulnerable, but in that vulnerability, there is beauty and wisdom and cleansing.

I think romanticizing your experiences is normal, but beware that it can be the AV trying to creep in and convince you to drink again. Just remind yourself how things really turned out after that lovely buzz turned into a blackout, throwing up, embarrassing yourself, or whatever your personal experiences were.

Stay strong. Your not alone!
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Old 10-24-2013, 07:49 AM
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Jdooner your story replicates mine. I caused mostly internal strife on myself as in guilt, shame, hangovers etc. So far I have kept an outwardly functional appearance with only my wife and 2 close friends privileged to my once private hell. And honestly my non traditional methods and view of AA got me prodded on this forum when I began posting recently. I'm actually a privately religious guy I just don't think god got me drunk but he did give the freedom to make that choice and he gave me the freedom and intelligence to choose to not get drunk anymore. Don't let other peoples opinion of your method or struggles get to you. We are all worthy of help and we are all motivated by different things. I for one tend to get pissed about certain things and use that as fuel to win, or abstain or what ever I just do it my way until it doesn't work for me any longer.

Keep working
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Old 10-24-2013, 08:06 AM
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Often times when people speak to us they are speaking to themselves. Perhaps her comments to you were more for her to hear then you. None the less they struck a nerve with you. As you quickly approach your 2 month mark, of course you are going to question your motives and wonder what the hell you're doing. Just keep moving forward. I know you know that you are doing what you need to do. Don't let one woman at a meeting keep you from coming back, maybe, just maybe, you have something to learn from her and vise versa! The universe works this way

Keep strong and hold your head up high, no more driving with your eyes closed!
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Old 10-24-2013, 08:31 AM
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Thanks everyone - the support is quite helpful.

I am an Engineer by background, so I like to try and get to the root cause of problems and fix things. I tend to bump heads with many recovering/ed alcoholics that tell me to just trust things - this is why I am having difficulty with step #3. This is not to say I doubt the efficacy of this method just for me it not as effective.

I am feeling better and writing these words has helped, as well as reading the comments.

I enjoyed drinking and using. If I could do it recreationally I would still be doing it. I never had hangovers - they went away towards the later stages. I had some amazing experiences with celebs, a Prince, and several Sr. Execs at Fortune 500 companies. The money, clubs, bars, women were fun times. What I did not like was that I felt tired all the time and could never sleep. I hated hiding things from my wife. I felt like a zombie - envied for what I had on the outside but dead inside. Its bc of these things and the fear of loosing everything I have worked so hard to build that I chose to stop.

There was no real pain and I think for others at the meeting that are in much worse financial shape or have lost marriages, kids, houses etc they want me to feel their pain. But I don't. I can empathize to the best of my ability but their destruction helps provide strength to me bc the fear of becoming like them is keeping me sober.

I have no idea if this is right or worng but is working. I don't have a strong desire to drink but did last night. I felt like I would show them all and drink myself into a stuper. As I thought about this logic, and talked it through with my wife, I realized it was like being mad at someone and pouring gas on myself to hurt them. Yet, after I light the match the only one that will burn is me.

I hit 60 days this Sunday, so yes early in recovery.

Anyhow, you have all be a tremendous help - thanks.
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Old 10-24-2013, 08:44 AM
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[QUOTE=jdooner;4256408]

I enjoyed drinking and using. If I could do it recreationally I would still be doing it. I never had hangovers - they went away towards the later stages. I had some amazing experiences with celebs, a Prince, and several Sr. Execs at Fortune 500 companies. The money, clubs, bars, women were fun times. What I did not like was that I felt tired all the time and could never sleep. I hated hiding things from my wife. I felt like a zombie - envied for what I had on the outside but dead inside. Its bc of these things and the fear of loosing everything I have worked so hard to build that I chose to stop.

There was no real pain and I think for others at the meeting that are in much worse financial shape or have lost marriages, kids, houses etc they want me to feel their pain. But I don't. I can empathize to the best of my ability but their destruction helps provide strength to me bc the fear of becoming like them is keeping me sober.

QUOTE]

Goodness this is me to a tee. How interesting. Except I could get a hangover with the best of them. Funny I am also involved heavily in engineering and mechanical design work.
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