Originally Posted by
LoveMeNow 
Although, it is unhealthy to blame our parents (or anyone) - I found it interesting to see how their influence molded my thinking.
A lot of times I feel I see people on this board (and I don't mean you personally this just brought this feeling up for me
) using the above to mean that we should just "put our past behind us and move on". In my therapy I have learned that burying the past is what has KEPT me stuck for so long - just saying "oh it happened and it's not a result of my childhood" kept me from identifying the maladaptive behaviors I learned from my childhood (in my case it was abusive but it doesn't have to be). What happened was I had an NPD, codependent, untreated Alanon mother and and absent alcoholic father. As a child I developed survival skills for that, things I needed at the time (such as building walls, becoming a doormat, being invisible, feeling I didn't have the right to exist and only existing in private where my Mom didn't know)...as a kid I HAD to do that. As an adult those same behaviors hold me back...if I am NOT willing to go back and admit that the way my mother treated me was WRONG and shaped who I am today there is no way I can adjust my behaviors and become a functioning adult.
Lately I have stopped posting here and abandoned quite a few of my own threads because I got some likely well intentioned advice that was harmful to my therapy and in my case felt condescending and triggery like that of my Mom. The fact that I felt condescended is growth for me - in the past I would have buried the emotion and let it go...however unfortunately SR is not a place I can explore those emotions so I just stepped away.
However...both therapists I have had as well as all the books I've read have supported the idea that for me to adjust the behaviors I learned as a child that no longer work as an adult I HAVE to go back and explore those relationships. It's not about blaming it's about feeling it, mourning it (the childhood I never had) and then being able to recognize the behaviors I have from that time that no longer work and adjusting them.
BTW LMN - this is not at all directed at you so I hope you don't think so your post just seemed a good one to respond to to bring up these things I've been feeling. Since I've known you a while I thought you would be OK with it.