Ruby,
Well, I am a newbie here. I just came on the other day and have the same question, however, I think that part was answered for me the other night. I have been with my AGF for almost 4 years. (You can read my earlier post to get the background). We have broken up so many times, I have lost count. Then I started setting some serious boundaries. In her twisted mind, it was that I didn't love her, care about her. The reality is, I knew that if I didn't, I would drown with her. Our relationship started out with a flurry. She WAS everything I could every ask for......Drop dead beautiful, smart, fun, kind, caring. And then the head of the monster showed itself. In and out of treatment, cheated on me (physically and online) more times than I could count. And those were just the ones I KNEW about. Two DUI's. 4 treatment programs. This list goes on. Then about 2 years ago, I thought it stuck. Almost 6 months. And then she went back out. Like they say, it came back stronger than before. While I am sure I was not the perfect boyfriend, I helped drive her kids, cooked them meals, took them out, got her kids from school when they were sick. The list goes on.
Well, the other night she was pressuring me again about moving in together or getting married. All along I have said "not while you are actively using" (She never drank around me anymore, but I ALWAYS knew.) I said, "I want to grow old with you, but for my health, I cannot be married to an active A" Well, come to find out, she was already chatting with another guy, got pissed because I found out and of course, it was MY fault and I was the one with control issues. That was three nights ago.
When is it time? I can't answer for you but I can just say for me, I have been praying for God to take this desire for her away. To give me the strength. I am trying to look at this as an answered prayer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a wreck. She was (or so I thought) the love of my life. I take each day now MINUTE BY MINUTE. I'm scared. I'm mad. and I still thing, "You know.....if I do THIS....." it would be better. The reality is, it won't. Not until or if she gets the help.
I know what you're going through. I'm sorry. I'm afraid of second guessing myself, but I'm getting ready for bed and I'm like....Well, I made it through one more day. Only you can decide when it is time. Logically, I should have left after the first time she cheated on me, but love is a funny thing. I talk to myself......A LOT! Honestly, I think it is my head and my heart talking and for the first time, my HEAD seems to be winning. Lots of battles, but right now, its ok.
I'm sending out a HUGE hug. Take care of your kids. I know you are trying to do in protecting them, but there in is the difference. You are acting SELFLESS. Your AH is acting SELFISH. As the book always says.....Simple NOT EASY.
Hang in there. I'll say a prayer for you. Please do the same for me.