How many have walked away?

Old 10-18-2013, 08:13 PM
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How many have walked away?

I am sitting here knowing that my AH/addict husband is not coming home tonight. Knew it this morning when I got the kids up, made their lunches, took them to school and then came home and got myself ready for work while AH slept away. Just had "that" feeling. Worked a full day, picked up the kids and came home. A never ending cycle of me being virtually a single parent.

We have been through this roller coaster for almost nine years. His addiction, my alcoholism. My one treatment, his two. three. It has gotten to be enough. I stayed with him for the kids. I stayed for what small help his paycheck would be when and if he came home with the check. I stayed because i kept thinking we loved each other and could work through this. That when sober and working a program he really is a charming and warm person. When not, like now? Nightmare.

When and did you finally realize that you could not handle this any more? I am so tired. I thought after he had been sober over a year that we were on the right path but he started drinking again in August and the crack demons seem to have followed soon behind. And the train wreck continues. I have lost count of how many times I have been through this. When did you just say enough?
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:24 AM
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Hello Ruby,

I wish I had some wise words, but I think taking care of yourself and your children should be a priority. It doesn't sound like your husband is 'done' yet. There is no guarantee that he ever will be.

If you can accept him now, as is (and it sounds like you can't), then great! If not, then you might have some decisions and plans to make.

Sending you many hugs of support, S
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:42 AM
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For me it wasn't an overnight decision. The pattern had repeated itself too many times, and I was finally accepting the odds of it never changing. I was losing the real me. I was exhausted from living the cycle. One day, the opportunity presented itself and I said enough is enough. It was time to live my own happy. I cried my eyes out that night and haven't shed one tear since. But it took five years for me to find my way and to make the decision when it was right for me. When I knew, I knew.
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:30 AM
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I too left after five years- just about a month ago. I was stuck on the ifs. If only he would quit drinking, then he could get help for his brain injuries and PTSD. But he might not ever do any of those things. Right now he's hemming and hawing about going to the VA's TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) clinic because its inpatient and he won't be able to drink for eight weeks. I did a trial separation this summer while he was supposed to be "getting his act together". I was back home with the kids for less than a month before I decided to make the move permanently. When you're living with something every day you kind of get used to it, no matter how awful it is. When you have even a small break and some breathing room, you realize how intolerable the situation actually is. I don't miss anything about my old life even though the kids and I are presently crowded in with my (untreated) schizophrenic mother. Not ideal, but I'm getting to practice detachment on a daily basis and I'm working at us getting our own place soon. Take care of yourself and your kids, and don't stay there hoping he'll get better. It could be detrimental to your sobriety and will definitely be detrimental to your children. You don't have to do it all at once. How about instead of sitting around dreading the moment he comes home, you start going through your stuff, packing up boxes for donation, making lists of what you'll need. Unless you're going to try to get him out. Even if you're not quite ready to leave, taking some active steps to get organized will help your peace of mind, at least it did for me. If nothing else, your home will be slightly more organized. Good luck.
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:58 AM
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I am currently separated from my husband of six years. We have been together for almost twelve, having started dating when we were in our early twenties--seems worlds away now. My AH started showing signs of alcoholism then but we were young, didn't have kids or careers, and I always assumed he'd "grow out of it." But now here we are, me in a career for the last eight years supporting our family, him constantly in and out of work, and with a toddler. This was the second time I left. There were countless times that he didn't come home, either because I told him not to or because he chose to, and all because of his drinking. I decided to leave the first time because I needed to get our daughter out of such a toxic environment. His drinking had intruded on all aspects of our lives; there was no hiding it or pretending anymore. I was gone for a month. He then agreed to go to outpatient treatment and see our doc about anti-depressants. He had been unemployed and I found him a great job. I wanted so badly to believe him, sound familiar? When sober, he can be a wonderful person, lazy, but wonderful. I came home. He claimed to be sober. He wasn't. He didn't stick with outpatient treatment, he would even skip it and go drink and come home as if he went. He didn't get treatment for depression. He was back to his old habits of binging and hiding it everyday within 2 months. Whenever I confronted him he turned into a monster and did everything he could to blame me, make me feel bad, or simply shut up. This last binge was horrific. He drank himself to sleep every few hours, for 24 hrs a day for a few weeks. He became an angry zombie. Our daughter was so confused. I left in September. After filing for separation, he went off the deep end. His bender continued but this time he spent his waking hours drinking and harassing me, threatening me, and hallucinating. It was the worst thing I have ever endured. He of course claims it was the alcohol talking, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. A part of me can't help but believe that if he loved me and our child that he wouldn't do such horrible things. I have educated myself on alcoholism and I know it is a disease, but it does destroy everything in its wake. I decided to leave because I didn't ever want our daughter to feel that way. I know my husband loves her and she adores her daddy, but if things continued as they were, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she would be some of the collateral damage of his alcoholism. My husband now has 30 days sober, the longest he has ever gone. We are still separated but we are now able to start working on our issues without alcohol in the equation. I'll tell you what I told my husband--it's all about trust. Trust is not quantitative, so I cannot give my husband a number, like, "you have to be sober for 6 months before I take you back." I don't know when I'll trust him again. I want to but this time I have to be cautious. I have myself and my daughter to protect. Trust is something that has to be earned. Leaving was the hardest thing but also the best thing for me. Since leaving I have finally realized just how much I endured being married to an alcoholic, which takes a recovery of its own.
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Old 10-19-2013, 08:08 AM
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Trust is a huge thing. I was finally starting to trust him after he was sober for a year and then he went back out. I am back to hiding everything so he doesn't take it.

I will work on organizing stuff and clearing the clutter if only to keep busy and clear my own head. I will not be leaving the house as I bought it myself before ever meeting AH. I never put his name on the title.
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Old 10-19-2013, 08:30 AM
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"When and did you finally realize that you could not handle this any more?" (Ruby2)


I cannot say that there was one specific incident that led up to " the straw that broke the camel's back." The last year that we were together, my life was a non stop roller coaster, it was constant chaos, as his 20+ years of drinking was progressing, his behavior and actions were escalating to a new unacceptable level. ( At the time I did not understand this disease, and what was transpiring in front of my eyes)

I found myself running out of excuses for his daily crap.

I found myself tired of being tired.

I was sick and tired of babysitting an ADULT man.

I found myself in isolation, I didn't want to go out in public with him, fearing he would make ANOTHER scene.

I grew to hate the holidays, as it was just another excuse for him to be "social"

I would go to bed at night with a 1000 WTF's running through my head, and would wake up with 1000 WTF kind of fresh hell is in store for today.

Seemed I always had a headache, or a bellyache, the stress was taking a toll on my physical well being.

We maintained separate homes so that made it alot easier in the end, but one evening he came over to dinner, trying his damnest to act sober, and of course I was quite disappointed to know I just spent 3 hours preparing dinner for a drunk who would not even remember what we had to eat the previous night, and it was like a ton of bricks hit me in the head, My inner voice was screaming in my head, "no more, I'm done" and that was it, I turned to him and asked him to leave.

Sending you strength, Ruby.

All I can offer, listen to your inner voice, it won't steer you wrong.
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Old 10-19-2013, 09:32 AM
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Ruby, an attorney in your home state can advise you on joint marital assets.

Just a heads up, some/many states have dower rights for women, and homestead rights for men.
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Old 10-19-2013, 09:58 AM
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The main thing that led me out was my kids' well being; I've posted about that on other threads.

Also I got tired and scared of the way wishing he would die soon, so that I could have a decent life, made me feel.
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Old 10-19-2013, 12:12 PM
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I didn't have children, but that would have gotten me out very quickly because most alcoholics come from alcoholic homes. For me it was when he drifted towards another woman, which is something I simply can't tolerate. It jolted me into reality by realizing there was something wrong with me for choosing a very destructive relationship. I saw that what I called love was really need, that I didn't trust or respect him. What has followed is a great deal of hard work on myself that will only end when I take my last breath. Alanon has saved my sanity by teaching me I'm responsible for the choices I make in life, the people I share my life with.
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Old 10-19-2013, 01:12 PM
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I agree with when you know you know. I'm so close to it myself it's just a matter of time
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Old 10-19-2013, 02:01 PM
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It has taken 4 years of soul searching and education about alcoholism to make the decision that I do not want to live in this crazy relationship any longer. It is most definitely a process.

I finally understood that his behavior was classic A behavior and that it was NOT going to change no matter what I did to try and get him to understand his behavior was unacceptable to me. He is just not capable of "Getting it".

I've been with AH 10 years, married 8. He is a high functioning alcoholic. Retired and financially successful. Everyone things he's a great guy. He can be kind and generous and often treats me very well. Life can be grand and then it can change in an instant. My problem is his inability to accept responsibility for his behavior. I have talked myself silly, trying to get him to understand how I feel. NOT ONCE in our 10 years has he ever taken responsibility and apologized (and meant it) for whatever behavior I have called him out on. I had to ask myself “Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take the time or interest in understanding how I feel.” I am tired of hearing: “I don’t see it that way”. “I’m sure from your perspective it looks that way .”

I am currently in the legal process of divorce, still living with AH. It isn't easy. I have days where I remember the good times, the fun times, the laughter. On those days I have to remind myself who he really is. There is nothing that means more to me than true friendship and I do not have that with my AH because he is emotionally unavailable. I don’t’ believe that will every change.

I finally believed that I deserved to be treated better than he was treating me.
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:30 PM
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Hi Ruby,

RAH and I are not on the separation or divorce path, but we are living separately. Not yet sure how everything will turn out, but I am glad that I kicked him out of the house, and should we end up back together and he relapses again, I would not hesitate to kick him out immediately.

So, what made me do that was he was on his 5th attempt in 5 months to quit drinking, but rather than getting better at staying sober he was getting better at hiding his drinking and lying to me more and more. It was then I accepted that nothing I said or did would make him quit...it was all on him but I didn't have to deal with it daily. Like I have read from a lot of people here, when I knew I had to kick him out, the decision was made, I really didn't doubt it and I was done. I posted a day or two ago about the actual process of kicking him out.

What I would say is make a plan, get support, and talk to a lawyer. Congratulations on your recovery - such an achievement especially given what you are currently dealing with.
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Old 10-20-2013, 12:34 AM
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Ruby,

Well, I am a newbie here. I just came on the other day and have the same question, however, I think that part was answered for me the other night. I have been with my AGF for almost 4 years. (You can read my earlier post to get the background). We have broken up so many times, I have lost count. Then I started setting some serious boundaries. In her twisted mind, it was that I didn't love her, care about her. The reality is, I knew that if I didn't, I would drown with her. Our relationship started out with a flurry. She WAS everything I could every ask for......Drop dead beautiful, smart, fun, kind, caring. And then the head of the monster showed itself. In and out of treatment, cheated on me (physically and online) more times than I could count. And those were just the ones I KNEW about. Two DUI's. 4 treatment programs. This list goes on. Then about 2 years ago, I thought it stuck. Almost 6 months. And then she went back out. Like they say, it came back stronger than before. While I am sure I was not the perfect boyfriend, I helped drive her kids, cooked them meals, took them out, got her kids from school when they were sick. The list goes on.

Well, the other night she was pressuring me again about moving in together or getting married. All along I have said "not while you are actively using" (She never drank around me anymore, but I ALWAYS knew.) I said, "I want to grow old with you, but for my health, I cannot be married to an active A" Well, come to find out, she was already chatting with another guy, got pissed because I found out and of course, it was MY fault and I was the one with control issues. That was three nights ago.

When is it time? I can't answer for you but I can just say for me, I have been praying for God to take this desire for her away. To give me the strength. I am trying to look at this as an answered prayer. Don't get me wrong, I'm a wreck. She was (or so I thought) the love of my life. I take each day now MINUTE BY MINUTE. I'm scared. I'm mad. and I still thing, "You know.....if I do THIS....." it would be better. The reality is, it won't. Not until or if she gets the help.

I know what you're going through. I'm sorry. I'm afraid of second guessing myself, but I'm getting ready for bed and I'm like....Well, I made it through one more day. Only you can decide when it is time. Logically, I should have left after the first time she cheated on me, but love is a funny thing. I talk to myself......A LOT! Honestly, I think it is my head and my heart talking and for the first time, my HEAD seems to be winning. Lots of battles, but right now, its ok.

I'm sending out a HUGE hug. Take care of your kids. I know you are trying to do in protecting them, but there in is the difference. You are acting SELFLESS. Your AH is acting SELFISH. As the book always says.....Simple NOT EASY.

Hang in there. I'll say a prayer for you. Please do the same for me.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:04 AM
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<--- ME ME ME!! Walked away 3 yrs ago after I caught him cheating and 5 yrs of hell with him. I never looked back and I am HAPPY!
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Old 10-20-2013, 09:48 AM
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Seperated from xAH after about 4 months of marriage and divorced after 1 year and 32 days. 7 days no contact. Each boundary has brought me closer to sanity and given me more time and space to look at myself in the mirror along with my issues. Then only thing I regret is marrying him. Now it's the year of me. My time to heal the hurt that brought me into that relationship on the first place.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:48 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. I am getting to the end in terms of making a decision. He went out on Friday and is playing the "I'm done. No more!" role today. And I, of course, am thinking "only until the hangover wears off." Been through it too many times.

If we do divorce I don't think he is going to put up a huge fuss but one never knows. The house is not marital property so he, at most, would be entitled to the value of any enhancements he contributed to during our marriage. Really nothing considering I've only put in new windows. Savings? None. Retirement? Not much. Cars? Each own our own old clunkers.

I did actually file for divorce about two years ago. Could not get AH served because he was in Florida. Then he got sober and we reconciled. Attorney should still have paperwork and remainder of retainer just in case.

It is almost a relief when he disappears for a day or so because he doesn't throw our routine into chaos and the kids an I enjoy ourselves. Sad, really. Knowing that we can do this without him.

And the comment about"why aren't you dead" or something similar. I have had those thoughts. Thinking that if he were dead I could get his social security for the kids and it would be a darn sight more reliable than expecting him to make it home with his paycheck.
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