It has taken 4 years of soul searching and education about alcoholism to make the decision that I do not want to live in this crazy relationship any longer. It is most definitely a process.
I finally understood that his behavior was classic A behavior and that it was NOT going to change no matter what I did to try and get him to understand his behavior was unacceptable to me. He is just not capable of "Getting it".
I've been with AH 10 years, married 8. He is a high functioning alcoholic. Retired and financially successful. Everyone things he's a great guy. He can be kind and generous and often treats me very well. Life can be grand and then it can change in an instant. My problem is his inability to accept responsibility for his behavior. I have talked myself silly, trying to get him to understand how I feel. NOT ONCE in our 10 years has he ever taken responsibility and apologized (and meant it) for whatever behavior I have called him out on. I had to ask myself “Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take the time or interest in understanding how I feel.” I am tired of hearing: “I don’t see it that way”. “I’m sure from your perspective it looks that way .”
I am currently in the legal process of divorce, still living with AH. It isn't easy. I have days where I remember the good times, the fun times, the laughter. On those days I have to remind myself who he really is. There is nothing that means more to me than true friendship and I do not have that with my AH because he is emotionally unavailable. I don’t’ believe that will every change.
I finally believed that I deserved to be treated better than he was treating me.