I am currently separated from my husband of six years. We have been together for almost twelve, having started dating when we were in our early twenties--seems worlds away now. My AH started showing signs of alcoholism then but we were young, didn't have kids or careers, and I always assumed he'd "grow out of it." But now here we are, me in a career for the last eight years supporting our family, him constantly in and out of work, and with a toddler. This was the second time I left. There were countless times that he didn't come home, either because I told him not to or because he chose to, and all because of his drinking. I decided to leave the first time because I needed to get our daughter out of such a toxic environment. His drinking had intruded on all aspects of our lives; there was no hiding it or pretending anymore. I was gone for a month. He then agreed to go to outpatient treatment and see our doc about anti-depressants. He had been unemployed and I found him a great job. I wanted so badly to believe him, sound familiar? When sober, he can be a wonderful person, lazy, but wonderful. I came home. He claimed to be sober. He wasn't. He didn't stick with outpatient treatment, he would even skip it and go drink and come home as if he went. He didn't get treatment for depression. He was back to his old habits of binging and hiding it everyday within 2 months. Whenever I confronted him he turned into a monster and did everything he could to blame me, make me feel bad, or simply shut up. This last binge was horrific. He drank himself to sleep every few hours, for 24 hrs a day for a few weeks. He became an angry zombie. Our daughter was so confused. I left in September. After filing for separation, he went off the deep end. His bender continued but this time he spent his waking hours drinking and harassing me, threatening me, and hallucinating. It was the worst thing I have ever endured. He of course claims it was the alcohol talking, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. A part of me can't help but believe that if he loved me and our child that he wouldn't do such horrible things. I have educated myself on alcoholism and I know it is a disease, but it does destroy everything in its wake. I decided to leave because I didn't ever want our daughter to feel that way. I know my husband loves her and she adores her daddy, but if things continued as they were, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she would be some of the collateral damage of his alcoholism. My husband now has 30 days sober, the longest he has ever gone. We are still separated but we are now able to start working on our issues without alcohol in the equation. I'll tell you what I told my husband--it's all about trust. Trust is not quantitative, so I cannot give my husband a number, like, "you have to be sober for 6 months before I take you back." I don't know when I'll trust him again. I want to but this time I have to be cautious. I have myself and my daughter to protect. Trust is something that has to be earned. Leaving was the hardest thing but also the best thing for me. Since leaving I have finally realized just how much I endured being married to an alcoholic, which takes a recovery of its own.