Originally Posted by
RJY9 
I have failed again. I have been drinking again since my day 4 post. I'm an emotional wreck. I actually want to die. I want to die so I can pass to the other side and see my 2 best friends who tragically died in 2011. I have tried so hard to stop drinking. I have experienced worst things in my times of sobriety so im gonna carry on drinking for now. I cant move forward and my mind just lives in the past no matter what I try. I'm cursed and will never be free.
RJ, the fact that you came here and posted shows that there is still hope. You still want to stop and you don't know how. It's a lot harder than controlling your arm to not pick up that drink but friend, you must find a way be it rehab, a program, or whatever you need to do to get away from it.
It's hard to envision what life can be without alcohol. Unfortunately it's not like a car that you can take for a test drive for a day to see how you like it before you make a decision. If only! You gotta pull out the wallet and lay the bucks down and have faith. At first it might seem like you bought a lemon but rest assured, that lemon is going to turn into what you want it to be.
First and foremost you have to want sobriety more than you want to drink. What can you do to make this happen?