My wife is an alcoholic. She drinks scotch mostly but other hard liquor too. She also smokes. I quit both three years ago. I have no problem staying sober with her scotch in the house, nor not smoking with her carton in the house.
Our marriage has changed. I said from day one that she can drink and smoke around me but I would like her to do what she harangued me about for years. Smoke only outside. Funny but since I quit she has decided that she will smoke inside because I used to smoke inside. Same with her drinking. She says she only drinks two drinks. She fills a glass with ice and about five or six shots of scotch, then a splash of water and a twist, has a couple then passes out for a couple of hours them wakes and goes to bed.
What has happened is that I saw her clearly for the last three years. Her previous harangues were to feel better about her drinking and smoking. See, as long as she drank and smoked less than me, she was convinced she was within bounds. She no longer has that comparison to make, and I am no longer under the influence to not see the childish lies and manipulations that are utterly unnecessary.
No, it is no one's place to try to manipulate another to quit. Or start. I am not in the least tempted. I don't even notice the smokes in one cabinet and the liquor in front of the saltines other than to move them out of the way.
Ronf, I have set my boundaries, and decided not to abandon her as you did yours. Mine started to get pretty mean looking for passive aggressive justification. I told her to go to counseling or go on without me. Looks like I am in for a decade or two also. But it isn't looking too appealing at this point. But like you said, I deserve better, and so did she when I drank. We are not so much human as co-dependent. Being a sober codie sure beats being a drunk one. More entertaining watching the other try to be clever, manipulative, and drunk, all at the same time. As long as they do it friendly or in pouty silence. I may or may not stay. My sobriety was one day at a time, unexpectedly along with my marriage now.