RJY, sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I think the only way we fail is if we give up and stop trying. You are here and posting which means you are trying. Alcohol is a depressant. However bad you are feeling right now it's a guarantee that drinking will make you feel worse. I don't know what you have been doing for your recovery but maybe you should consider some extra support. If you stop drinking you can move forward. If you don't you are going to be stuck in this cycle. Everyone has the ability to break free from this addiction. Wishing you well.