Your happy future won't start to unfold until you start to look at yourself. It won't be found in the empty promises of an active alcoholic.
Most of us here have been right where you are. If only. Only if. What if? Those are really torturous words. They keep us trapped.
My heart goes out to you, Free. I sincerely hope and pray that you are able to start putting your focus on you because at the end of the day, the only person responsible for your happiness is you.