Originally Posted by
FreeTheLOVE 
I understand your point. But the problem is I want him. I just want him sober, completely sober. If he were sober he could give me the life I want.
Let's pretend he didn't have a drinking problem... If that were the case he would be everything that I want for the future.
That's what kills me.
I've been where you are now, playing the "what if?" game about my XABF...I'm sure you can't help it now, but when you catch yourself doing it, try to remind yourself that this way of thinking is NOT helping you and it will not bring you closer to peace. It is basically self torture.
Many people here on this forum, including myself, can totally relate to the pain of the XA (or RA, or current A) being "everything [I] want for the future"...except for the whole alcoholism thing. My XABF had so many wonderful qualities, and we had many moments were things just felt "right." It was something I hadn't felt in years, and before I met him, I began wondering if I was ever going to feel it again....Then we met, and it was amazing. Until, of course, his alcoholism revealed itself.
My XABF also had a criminal record with alcohol related charges. All of the incidents involved him wasted and arguing/fighting with police when they confronted him. When we met, he'd been on probation for 3 years because he kept violating it. He sounded remorseful and embarrassed, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'd forgotten about all that until I saw him wasted for the first time, and he got into a fight at a bar. I was terrified....What was I thinking, dating someone with that criminal record, someone who gets into bar fights?? Sometimes I think we listen to our hearts more than our heads...
It's incredibly painful to not only mourn the loss of a relationship, but you also mourn the loss of this person who you thought you knew/loved/had a future with. This is not to say what you or I or anyone else here had with their XA wasn't "real," but what we had was not enough to 'win' over the A's addiction. In my case, I thought my XABF wanted to change when he said he did. I believed him when he said I was the "best thing" that ever happened to him. But what he showed me with his actions, was something totally opposite. He showed me that he could manipulate me, put me down, ditch me, minimize my feelings, because I was a roadblock to his alcohol. Still, I mourn him and what I hoped we could have. No one here will blame you for doing the same. The thing is, you must focus on what DID happened...not what could have, or what you wished would have. I realize this is difficult now, but it will get easier with time. You deserve someone who is available NOW, not 'maybe' or 'what if?' in the future...