deejov

Just wanted to intro myself. This wonderful site was referred to me by a friend on TAM (Talk about Marriage). As you can guess, my marriage fell apart, and it took a long time for "me" to realise that my husband's alcohol use was much deeper than I had known.

I will say that I am known as a co-dependent personality. The fixer. I've been working on myself for the past year. I've grown used to the word "boundaries" and my sense of self worth is waaaay better than it ever was. I'm facing my demons, and feeling pretty good about my future. I credit my work on self-awareness, and establishing my own values, identity, and beliefs.

I have a grown son that lives on his own. We have no children together.
Married for 5 years. We are both 43. We both work full time, I have always been the higher earner, higher achiever.

I always "knew" my husband drank a lot. He had a DUI when he was 24, lost a few jobs, cleaned himself up. He always referenced that his drinking was "nothing' compared to what it used to be years ago. (The first big lie).

Since we have been married, his drinking has gone in 6 week cycles, with weekend binges that included no contact \ no response. We separated for awhile due to this.

To make a long story short... I'm not certain he even knows why he drinks, but I do know he doesn't have a good handle on how to deal with the stress of life without it.

He has tried to quit drinking a few times. Refuses AA, tried that years ago. Didn't like the religion aspect. It sticks for awhile, he believes he has it under control, but sooner or later he slides back into a pattern that I recognize immediately.

I'm sure this is all too familiar to many of you here, the details are just personal after that.

I'm looking for support, understanding, familiarity with basically the whole "watching your spouse fall to pieces in denial".

When it gets to that point, and you KNOW deep down that they aren't even capable of being a partner to you, WHY WHY WHY do you stay?

We live as civil room-mates. Meaning separate bedrooms, bank accounts, the only thing we share is the mortgage, legally. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck. His health is horrible. I don't know even KNOW if it's withdrawl symptons? Anxiety attacks, insommnia, forgetfullness, zero sex drive, job after job (it's always because his boss is an a$$) friends dont' talk to him anymore... he just marches on denying he has a problem.

I have been to Al-Anon. I am careful not to enable him in anyway. Unfortunatley, his mother will go behind my back and give him money. So I"m the only one that is asking him to accountable for his actions. Doesn't work so well.

At this point, where we have NO relationship, why hide it? Who cares?
I don't understand this point.

It's the little games that make me lose respect. "Oh, x called me at 5 at the last minute, asked me to go for a beer". According to your phone... you texted 5 different people between 1 and 3, asking anyone to go for a beer. Then you called me at 330 and said you were on your way home from work.

I don't understand the lying about it. I don't care if he drinks or not, at this point. It's not my life. If he gets fired or loses his license, it's not up to me to bail him out. We live like room-mates.

All I wanted was the truth. Who he really is. Flaws and all.
Is that even possible????