We don't want to micromanage her life, and we know ultimately her life decisions and her sobriety are up to her. BUT if possible, we want to make sure she is in a situation that will help her with her sobriety, not hurt it. We'd love to trust her and her decisions, but at the same time she doesn't really have a good track record at 20.
Any thoughts? Can anyone share a similar experience and what they learned based on how they approached the situation? I know everyone's different but I think some ideas here would really help us bridging the gap between being on "lockdown", and have positive social real world experiences.
What everyone usually says is to get out of the addict's way. You've been clear on your expectations and she explains and excuses them away.
A turning point for me was deciding what I could live with -- and I was very clear with my husband about it. When he chose other things, my answer was that he was free to live his life as he wanted... elsewhere. But not under my roof with my money on my life influencing my kids and my career and my mental health. I know it's different as a parent, but ultimately your daughter has to make her own decisions, and you will have to figure out how to back off and let her.
A disappointing thing for me was that when we split he moved in with his parents and they continue to float him and his "recovery." They pay his legal fees, his medical bills, his gas money, and his cigarette money, clothing money, and play money. He's a 35 year old man that is perfectly capable of maintaining a job and supporting himself, and yet he chooses not to. Why? He even went to rehab for a fourth time this year, claiming that he was sober despite needing detox, and his parents believed him and paid for it again. Why? Your daughter is only twenty, yes? My AH was twenty once, and his parents paid for him then too. His sister after him. Fifteen years later they're all dancing the same dance.
What I wish happens for his sake is that his parents decide to "detach with love" and stop enabling him to mooch off their ample bank accounts and let him suffer the full consequences of his choices. Healthy choices lead to healthy outcomes. Unhealthy choices lead to unhealthy outcomes. End stop.
So, what can you live with? For how long?
I think the turning point for you will be recognizing that you can't force positive outcomes on your daughter (who defines positive?), and that constantly trying to control her decisions, and the consequences of her decisions, is a disappointment for you and a deterrent to maturity for her.
She's an adult now. She will be unable to complete the maturational, character building steps you want to see as long as her parents are interfering in her life, hovering over her decisions. Your hand-wringing is a deterrent to her telling you the truth about her life. She's presenting a best face to you. You don't sound like you believe it. What if you acted on your gut, and held her accountable for what she does, and not for her just-so stories?