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Could use some thoughts/tips on helping a recovering daughter...



Could use some thoughts/tips on helping a recovering daughter...

Old 10-02-2013, 07:57 AM
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Could use some thoughts/tips on helping a recovering daughter...

Hi Everyone, thanks for reading and for being part of such a great community!

So my wife and I have come across a bit of a hurdle in our daughter's recovery process and I found this site searching for some help and thoughts about our current situation.

It would probably make the most sense to start with a little background on the situation...

Our daughter moved out of the house at 18. She was working 10 hours a week at the time, not interested in school, and spending most of her days hanging out with friends (or getting READY to hang out with friends). At the time we believed she was "partying" and had way too much time on her hands so we gave her an ultimatum...go to school full time OR get a full time job so she can start paying for her fair share. She opted for option C...move out.

After a pretty rocky 2 years, fast forward to this summer...She called and said she was moving back to town because she got a DUI, wrecked her car and broke up with her boyfriend. At the time she was planning on moving in with someone else but after a stay in a hospital for substance abuse, alcohol, the works, she moved back home with us.

For 2 months she agreed to be on "lockdown" at home, and went through a local dependency program. She completed the program and is now ready to be social again.

So here's the dilemma...we know she needs to be around other people and not be home bound. However, it seems as though she is now using AA as a social outlet, which is good, but we're starting to see patterns that are eerily similar to the patterns we saw before she moved out the first time. Not necessarily with drugs or alcohol (yet), but with her attitude on going out and socializing.

Let me give you an example before I stop rambling ... She wanted to stay the night at a friends house the day she finished the dependency program, we suggested they stay at our house. She said they were going to go to a restaurant and wanted to be out until 2, we suggested 12. We find out that she went to a Hookah lounge and a party instead of a restaurant, but was back around 12. Two days later there was a Young People's AA dance. She said she wasn't exactly sure when things ended but would try to be home by 12, but would call if this changed since she had to find a ride. She called because she had a ride but everyone was going to get something to eat, and she stays out until 3am.

Last night she said she was invited to watch a documentary on Bill W the founder of AA. They were going to start the movie at 10pm according to her. Her ride picks her up at 10:30pm instead and she comes home at 4am.

We don't want to micromanage her life, and we know ultimately her life decisions and her sobriety are up to her. BUT if possible, we want to make sure she is in a situation that will help her with her sobriety, not hurt it. We'd love to trust her and her decisions, but at the same time she doesn't really have a good track record at 20.

Any thoughts? Can anyone share a similar experience and what they learned based on how they approached the situation? I know everyone's different but I think some ideas here would really help us bridging the gap between being on "lockdown", and have positive social real world experiences.

BTW, my current plan is to sit down with her and write a physical contract. Clarifying what is expected of us (paying for medical treatment/programs, making sure her basic necessities are met so she can focus on recovery and not how she is going to pay rent, supporting her recovery 100% and helping as much as possible with travel,etc), and what is expected of her (being 100% committed to the next program starting this week, staying sober (no drugs, no alcohol of course), helping around the house, being home at reasonable hours that are appropriate for the household...12pm weeknights, 2am weekends).

IF you got this far in the post THANK YOU for listening and reading. It kinda helps just getting this out there if you know what I mean.
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Old 10-02-2013, 08:11 AM
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ooh i like the physical contract but...
what happens when it don't turn out the first time?, and the second time etc....

healthy boundaries are awesome...

are you in al anon?
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Old 10-02-2013, 08:55 AM
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We don't want to micromanage her life, and we know ultimately her life decisions and her sobriety are up to her. BUT if possible, we want to make sure she is in a situation that will help her with her sobriety, not hurt it. We'd love to trust her and her decisions, but at the same time she doesn't really have a good track record at 20.

Any thoughts? Can anyone share a similar experience and what they learned based on how they approached the situation? I know everyone's different but I think some ideas here would really help us bridging the gap between being on "lockdown", and have positive social real world experiences.
What everyone usually says is to get out of the addict's way. You've been clear on your expectations and she explains and excuses them away.

A turning point for me was deciding what I could live with -- and I was very clear with my husband about it. When he chose other things, my answer was that he was free to live his life as he wanted... elsewhere. But not under my roof with my money on my life influencing my kids and my career and my mental health. I know it's different as a parent, but ultimately your daughter has to make her own decisions, and you will have to figure out how to back off and let her.

A disappointing thing for me was that when we split he moved in with his parents and they continue to float him and his "recovery." They pay his legal fees, his medical bills, his gas money, and his cigarette money, clothing money, and play money. He's a 35 year old man that is perfectly capable of maintaining a job and supporting himself, and yet he chooses not to. Why? He even went to rehab for a fourth time this year, claiming that he was sober despite needing detox, and his parents believed him and paid for it again. Why? Your daughter is only twenty, yes? My AH was twenty once, and his parents paid for him then too. His sister after him. Fifteen years later they're all dancing the same dance.

What I wish happens for his sake is that his parents decide to "detach with love" and stop enabling him to mooch off their ample bank accounts and let him suffer the full consequences of his choices. Healthy choices lead to healthy outcomes. Unhealthy choices lead to unhealthy outcomes. End stop.

So, what can you live with? For how long?

I think the turning point for you will be recognizing that you can't force positive outcomes on your daughter (who defines positive?), and that constantly trying to control her decisions, and the consequences of her decisions, is a disappointment for you and a deterrent to maturity for her.

She's an adult now. She will be unable to complete the maturational, character building steps you want to see as long as her parents are interfering in her life, hovering over her decisions. Your hand-wringing is a deterrent to her telling you the truth about her life. She's presenting a best face to you. You don't sound like you believe it. What if you acted on your gut, and held her accountable for what she does, and not for her just-so stories?
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Old 10-02-2013, 10:10 AM
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I have had a front seat to my parents efforts with my alcoholic brother, and can see a lot of similarities in your post.
We all learn the 3C's in AlAnon and SR. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Your well intentioned attempts to "help" with her sobriety may actually be getting in the way of her real recovery. The "suggestions" you make to her are a way of trying to control her actions/behaviors. You can't control it.
She is an adult, living in the real world. As long as she knows you are a safety net, not allowing her to fail or deal with the consequences of her bad choices, there is no real impetus for change. It really is her problem to figure out work, living arrangements, etc. Picking up all her responsibilities so she can focus on recovery isn't working, and that isn't real life. She has to learn to deal with sobriety AND be a responsible adult.

I watched my parents deal with this exact situation, starting when my brother was in his early 20's. Every time he got himself in a pickle, lost job/no room mate/ DUI etc, they stepped in "this time" to help him out. He would move home, and they would set rules. He ignored them. We drew up a written contract, when he broke that deal, they backed down. They helped and helped...and never got out of the way. Fast forward to today. He is 50 yrs old, and is currently living with my parents.

I can't tell you what to do, nor should I. But you don't want to be in my parents shoes 30yrs from now. You may not think it's a possibility, but neither did they. You can't decide how your daughter should handle her recovery, that's her path. But you can decide what you will accept in your home. Set boundaries, and be ready to stick with them. Find an AlAnon group near you, that is actually the best thing you can do to support her recovery. AlAnon will help you see your role in things, and you will find the support necessary for yourselves in dealing with this.
I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. I wish with all my heart that my parents had found AlAnon and stopped rescuing my brother. They might of all been happy today, we'll never know.
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Old 10-04-2013, 08:22 AM
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Thank You!

I wanted to thank everyone that responded. It was nice to share our current situation and get some great feedback.

We realize now that we should really get involved with al anon. Al anon was never presented in a clear way to us and after posting I did a little research and now have a better understanding.

The personal comments helped reinforce our current beliefs, and gave us more motivation to stand our ground.

Thank you!
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