tpoint - my sponsor relapsed after 3 yrs and felt all the shame. He was in AA but never bothered to go through the steps and embraced the higher power. As Scott points out the structured programs have benefits and the numbers speak for themselves (over 50% recovery for AA). You may want to see a therapist to deal with the suicidal thoughts if they get too much...keep in mind you have been dousing your brain with a depressant after it was healing so its a shock to the system now. Help is here in many forms.